JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Powerfully-Built Guy

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

]]]]]

Really Gross!!

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Playing with Grandma's twat.
He stuck in his pinky,
Pulled it out stinky

]]]]]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant.
This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has
any questions.

She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How
much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman
and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to
describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

The Gynecologist

A girl goes to the gynecologist for the first time. She's up in the
stirrups, and the doctor notices she's trembling. He says: You're
nervous, aren't you?
Yes, it's my first visit to a gynecologist.
Would you like me to numb you down there?
Oh, yes please.
He sticks his face between her legs and goes Num, num, num .


CONFUCIUS SAY:

Woman who springs on innerspring this spring, gets offspring next spring.

Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.

Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water.

Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock.

Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy.

Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed.

Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants
Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine.


My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told
her she couldn't make love. I've known this for years I want to know how
he found out!


It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without
her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for
herself. The next day her mother called to see how everything went.
Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble
trying to eat the turkey said the daughter.
Did it not taste good her mother asked.
I don't know,the blonde said. It wouldn't sit still!

 

[melody]

Five Short Stories For Men, By Men

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.

THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'."

FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE
At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other is getting oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?
Don't look down

---------

I once had a lady friend, Rose,
Double-jointed she was I suppose.
And I watched fascinated,
As Rose masturbated;
Herself with the tip of her nose.

--------

A mortician was laying out the body of a man with an unbelievably long penis.

He called in his receptionist to show her.

She took one look and said, "It's just like my husband's penis."

"Wow, you mean he's got one that long?" the mortician asked.

"No," she replied. "That dead."

Annual Physical

70 year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with great results. Dr. Smith said, "George everything looks great
physically.
How are you doing mentally, emotionally and are you at peace with your
self and have a good relationship with God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. We are so close that when I get
up in the middle of the night, poof! The light goes on & I go to the
bathroom and then poof!
The light goes off!"
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"
A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because
I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up
during the night and poof! The light goes on in the bathroom and then
poof! The light goes off?"
Thelma replied, "Darn fool's been pissing in the fridge again!"
__________________

Blonde Moments!
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!"
The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"
"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.
With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did.
He then said, "Get on your knees" She did.
Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead!"
The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM???
__________________

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend
says, OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
...The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

 

[melody]

Pussy Jokes

A woman was drying herself off in the shower when she suddenly slipped over and landed spread-eagled on the bathroom floor. She tried to stand up again but then she realized that she had landed so hard that her pussy had stuck to the floor, creating such a vacuum that she couldn't move.
She called out to her husband for help, and he rushed in and tried with all his strength to lift her up, but she just wouldn't budge.
So he went next door and got the neighbor. Both of them started pulling her arms with all their strength, but she just wouldn't budge, she was well and truly stuck fast!
Suddenly the neighbor said, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her pussy?"
"Great idea pal," said the husband, "but just let me rub her tits a little so that I can then push her over to the kitchen, the tiles are a lot cheaper in there!"

;;;;;

What's the difference between a clit and a cell phone?
Nothing, every cunt's got one!

What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A pussy is sweet, juicy, succulent, warm, fun and a useful thing.
The cunt is the thing that owns it!

What tastes good on pie but not on pussy?
Crust!

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can't gargle sand!

Have you heard about the New Wave band called 'Toxic Shock Syndrome?'
Their new hit is called 'Ragtime!'

;;;;;

Around lunchtime Sheryl left school and headed for home, crying because her first period had started and she had no idea what it was. The girl's teacher was reluctant to get involved, so she suggested Sheryl should have a word with her mother. Suddenly she ran into little Johnny.
"Why are you crying?" asked Johnny.
"I'm crying because I am bleeding." replied Sheryl.
"Let me have a look." said little Johnny.
She lifted her skirt and showed him.
"Fucking hell!" laughed Johnny, "No wonder your bleeding, some bastard has cut your cock off!"


Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
10. No one steals your chair.

Friends

For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality.
* When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge
against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.
* When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever's choking you.
* When you smile...I'll know you finally got laid.
* When you are scared...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
* When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how
much worse it could be and to quit whining.
* When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your
dumb ass.
* When you are sick...Stay away from me until you're well again, I
don't want whatever you have.
* When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge till the end. Why may you ask?
Because you're my friend.

 

[melody]

Good Samaritan

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead.

She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch
the drama. Then she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the
roadside wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

Little Johnny thought for a second, raised his hand, then said, "I'd
probably puke my fucking guts out."

xxxxx

This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened
last night."
His buddy says. "Well then, tell me what happened."
The guy says, " Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened
the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Of course, you can," and shut the door."

xxxxx

Q: What is the best thing about dating a "homeless" woman?
A: You can drop her off anywhere.

Q: Did you hear about the new radio station with the call letters WPMS?
A: It has a monthly programming cycle that is three weeks of the blues
followed by one week of ragtime.

Q: Did you hear the one about the guy they found with his dick stuck
in a vacuum cleaner?
A: He was trying to have sex without attachments.

Q: How do you get a faggot interested in a woman?
A: That's easy, just fill the woman's uterus with shit.

Population Control

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the
medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth
control pills, They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the
men to wear condoms.
One of the men who came in had eight children in eight years, and
the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.
He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have
another baby. About a month later, the wife came in and she was
pregnant. The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him
a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't
worn the sheath.
The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."
The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his
wife is pregnant again?"
"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a
piss so badly that he cut the end off."

********

A guy walked into his friend's office, he found
him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary
for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"
"Neither, He's bald."

Camilla had come to see Dr. Freud. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"

"A phallic symbol," explained Freud, "represents the phallus."

"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla.

"Well," said the analyst, "the best way to explain it is to show you."
He stood up, unzipped his fly and took out his prick. "This is a
phallus."

"Oh," said Camilla. "It's just like a cock, only smaller."
========
When I was young I used to eat my boogers.
They were quite a treat!
I'd swallow the snot, and the ones that would clot
I'd save up to fill my mom’s pepper mill
And sprinkle on fish, or on a side dish,
But I’ never eat them with meat, oh no,
Don't ever eat them with meat.

You can eat them on rye, or baked in a pie
Or mix them with peas, or grate them with cheese.
They're easy to chew, but whatever you do,
Don't ever eat them with meat.
========
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see a
marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from which to
begin his analysis said, "Tell me about anything the two of you have in
common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us sucks cocks."

 

[melody]

Mike and Jenny are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her with one arm,
and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he
sees a policeman approaching. "Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect ?" Jenny says, "A perm?"

ggg

Q.: What should a guy do when her girlfriend forgets to take her birth
control pills?
A.: Give her a good tongue-lashing.

Q.: How can you tell if a pig is in heat?
A.: She buys the first two rounds.

Q.: What do you call a woman that does everything you want in bed?
A.: Your girlfriend.. ..just don't tell your wife.

Have you seen an asshole wrapped in plastic?
Let me see your driver's license and I'll show you one.

definition of desperation
Teeth marks on the toilet door.

There are many ways to say I love you,
but screwing is the fastest.

Did you hear about the new shoe Nike is making for lesbians?
The tongue is twice as long and it will only need one finger to get it off.

Q: What do a farmer and a pimp have in common?
A: Both need a hoe to stay in business.

Q: If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day,
….what do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday.

Q: What do lesbians need to get married?
A: A licker license.

ggg

Jim and Fred are at the local discussing the respective sex lives
"Well," says Fred, "truth be known, I'm just bored with fuckin' the same
hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankering' for a bit of
variety."
Jim replied, "Well, if you want variety, why don't you just, you know,
turn her over every now and again?"
Fred says, "What? And have a house full of kids?"

Diagnostic Machine

This guy goes to the doctor due to a wicked headache that's been hanging around for over a week. He asks the doc if he could provide something to make it go away.
The doc has just purchased a new diagnostic machine (similar to those used to diagnose car problems, except this one diagnoses humans), and he's been dying to try it out on his first patient.

He says to the guy "not only will this thing tell you what's wrong with you, but it will even prescribe a remedy. All you need to do is provide a urine sample, which I will then pour into this funnel at the top.

The guy does as instructed, the doc pours the sample into the analyzer, then after about 20 seconds of beeping noises, buzzing, and flashing lights the machine spits out a piece of paper into the bottom tray. The doc picks up the paper, reads it, and then says, "you have tennis elbow".
The guy says, "that doesn't make sense. I don't even play tennis, and my elbow feels fine. My head on the other hand is fucking killing me..."

At this point the doc interrupts and says, "nonsense, this device doesn't lie. I want you to go home and soak that elbow overnight and then come back and see me tomorrow morning, and don't forget to bring another urine sample with you."

The guy leaves, but on the way home decides that this doctor is full of shit. He then has an idea. Once home, he finds a mason jar and deposits a small urine sample into it. He then gets his wife, daughter, and dog to also make a contribution. Not satisfied with this he scrapes some oil off the garage floor under where his car is parked and drops that into the mix, and for the icing on the cake he chokes his chicken long enough to get the desired results, drops that into the jar, seals the lid, and then gives the concoction a good shake.
"There ya go, doc. Stick that up your computer!"

Next A.M. he hands the doc the jar. Doc pours the contents into the machine. This time it takes a full 10 minutes for the paper to drop. Doc picks it up and begins reading: "Your wife's pregnant, your daughter's fucking the entire football team at Richmond High, your Doberman has rabies, your Volvo needs an oil change, and if you don't quit spanking your monkey you'll never get rid of this tennis elbow!"


A guy is suffering from severe headaches. The doctor says "I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."


“Dr. Smith.” Said the woman in a very deep voice, I – I hate to say it, but I thing you overdid it on the hormone pills.”

“Don’t worry,” the doctor assured her. “A deep voice is a natural development. It will only last a few days.”

“But I’ve also noticed hair on my chest,” she said.

“Really? And how far down does it reach.”

She replied, “All the way to my balls.”


Morris And Sadie

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying.
"I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been
having an affair with that chippie secretary in your
office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I
always been the good wife? I've cooked for you,
raised your children, and I've always been by your
side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to
make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie,
you've been the best wife a man could hope for.
You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't
moan when we have sex!"
Sadie questions: "If I moaned when we had sex,
you'd stop running around?!
All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I,
too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and
climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No not yet." Morris begins fondling Sadie.
"What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when!"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds
before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
"OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had!"


An Alabama redneck was sittin' on the sofa, with his half naked woman,
watching the news from San Francisco. "Jus' look at them
homo-sexshuals. They're ruining the country. with men marryin' men, and
women marryin' women. It's disgustin. Darlin', we oughta' go out there
and protest! Don't you think so?"
She replied, "Yes, Daddy."

 

[melody]

Nasty Chit

A tramp walked into a bar one day and started begging for drinks. One of the patrons says he will by the old drunk a drink, but first he has to take a drink from the spittoon in the corner.
The wino is in a bad way, so he takes the guy up on his offer, goes over and picked up the spittoon, raises it to his lips, and starts swallowing all the greeny yellow snot down his throat.
The guy at the bar, who didn't really think the tramp would do it is horrified, "Stop, Stop," he yells, " I will buy you a drink now!"
But the tramp keeps drinking all the snot, dribbling some down his chin, gurgling away on the slimy fluid.
"Stop now," says the patron, "I will buy you a full bottle!"
But still the tramp keeps guzzling down the rotten cough drizzle. "Please stop," said the patron, "I will buy you two bottles!"
But still the tramp keeps swallowing the snotty greeny liquid. Finally after about 5 minutes the tramp tips the spittoon right back and slurps the rest of the snot from the bottom.
He walks back to the bar collects his two bottles and begins to leave.
The patron, spewing all over the bar, tears running down his face says, "Tell me, why didn't you stop when I asked you to?"
"I couldn't," said the tramp, "It was all in one lump!"


Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny's house.
"Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!"
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks,
"What, you mean it's shaped like a peanut?"
"No silly, it's salty!"


Little Tommy is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's
never seen one before and so he asks his teacher, "What's that, Miss?"
Miss decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Daddy calls
Mummy, Tommy."
Tommy thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a
fucking pig!"

Intercourse Etiquette And Decency

1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).


2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!


3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.


5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy is not.


6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.


7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!


8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.


9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.


10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, .... and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.


11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.


12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.


13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.


14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.


15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.


16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.


17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks fist.


18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular movements.


19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.


20) CUMMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

Two Notorious Drunks

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying.
The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some
other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell
her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your
clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at
him about his clothes and how disgusting he is.

The drunk starts spinning the lie and says "Look for yourself, there's
ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds a twenty dollar bill.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy only gave you ten bucks for puking on you?"
"He did," says the drunk. "But he shit in my pants too."

rrr

A guy walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar and said,
"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"
She said, "Do you like sex?"
He said, "Of course I like sex."
She said, "Do you like to travel?"
He said, "Yeah, I love to travel."
She said, "Good, then fuck off."

rrr

What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's?
A cock that melts in your mouth!

What do you call a dwarf prostitute?
A little fucker about this high.

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their
wedding night?
A last name.

 

[stupidcar]

Think of 'transplanting'?

 

[melody]

Midlife

Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so
old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

The good news about midlife is that the glass is still half-full...of
course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are
floating in it.

Midlife women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no
longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can
see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you
realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in
film.

You know you've crossed the midlife threshold when you're in the
grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in
the produce department.

Midlife is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's
more like Splat!)

Midlife brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're
now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in midlife...jiggly, yes; jiggy,
no.

Midlife is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand
McNally.
(more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of
Wisconsin).

Midlife is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top
and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things
will too!

Midlife can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your
latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this
I have stretch marks?

Midlife is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow
suit.

Midlife is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a
control top flea collar.

Midlife is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you
still retain is water.

You become more reflective in midlife. You start pondering the "big" is
life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before
it's no longer a healthy choice?

20 More Intercourse Etiquette and Decency

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off to Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don't.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.... and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen

 

[melody]

Top 10 Things Not To Say To Your Girlfriends Parents

10. Gee, Pops, you're not nearly as big an asshole as your daughter said
you are.
9. Wazzzaaaaap!
8. The water in your toilet tastes funny.
7.You got a spoon and a lighter I can borrow? I left mine at home.
6. No... No... It's OK. I kinda like it when your dog humps my leg.
5. Your daughter is attractive, but have you seen the tits on her friend Joanne?
4. Hi, Mr. Jones. I'm Bob. This is Chuck, George, Steve and the midget
is Sam. Is Sally ready?
3. (While honking horn in driveway) Hey! I'm waiting out hear! Send the bitch out!
2. You should be proud, Mr. And
Mrs. Smith, you've raised a good girl. I can't get her to blow me no matter what I say.

And the number 1 thing not to say when you meet your girlfriend's
parents for the first time:

1. Man, living under the same roof with a piece of ass like that, I bet you wish you were anyone else but her father.
_________

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.

Corner Deli

A man goes into the local corner deli. When the shop
assistant, a very buxom young girl, asks if she can
get him anything, he leans over and whispers, "Is it
true that you give hand jobs in the back room?"
"Why, yes sir," the shop assistant coos. "I've already
satisfied five customers this morning, and it still isn't
noon yet."
"Good, good," the man replies. "Then go and
wash your hands. All I came for was a ham sandwich."
________

Q: What is the Alzheimer's society slogan?
A: Remember those who can't.

Q: Have you heard about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
A: He wanted to know who the other man was...

Q: Why do women have babies?
A: Because it hurts and they deserve it.

Q: Why can't Italian men give their wives mink coats?
A: Because the fur clashes with their wives' moustaches.

If a man speaks in the woods and there's no woman there to hear him,
is he still wrong?

Q: How do Eskimos give birth?
A: They start out by rubbing noses, and pretty soon the little buggers fall out.

Q: How do you make Italian sausage?
A: From retarded pigs.

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes 20 visits.

Q: What is the one social advantage to being Polish?
A: You never miss a phone call due to being in the bathtub.

Q: What do you do when a cat spits at you?
A: Turn the grill down.

Q: Why did the little girl keep a dead goldfish in her pocket?
A: Because she wanted to smell just like a big girl.
________

A woman went to see her doctor because of serious abrasions on her
knees. "Do you know what caused these injuries?" the doctor asked.
"Well," she blushed, "I've been having sex doggie style."
"Oh, that's no problem. Just roll over and do it missionary style for
awhile."
"Oh, but that is a problem," she asserted. "Every time I try it that
way, my dog's breath makes me retch."

MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES

Just in case we don't understand one another.
1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety"
2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".
6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".
7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra".
8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"
10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".
11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".
12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our anniversary."
13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".
14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt".
15."Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing" -
Means.. "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon".
16."I can't find it" -
Means.. "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless".
17."What did I do this time?" -
Means.. "What did you catch me at?"
18."I heard you" -
Means.. "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
19."You know I could never love anyone else" -
Means.. "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse".
20."You look terrific" -
Means.. "Oh God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving!"
21."I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are" -
Means.. "No one will ever see us alive again".
22."We share the housework" -
Means.. "I make the messes, she cleans them up".

 

[melody]

If Men Got Pregnant:

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem
Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay
Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained
Natural childbirth would become obsolete
All methods of birth control would be 100 per cent effective
Men would be eager to talk about commitment
There would be a cure for stretch marks
They'd serve beer instead of coffee at antenatal classes
Men wouldn't think twins were so cute
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10 p.m.

Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
They'd have to stop saying, "I'm afraid I'll drop him".
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree.
Women would rule the world!


A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman.
They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? ... really means, "There is no way I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. ... really means, "without you in it."

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?... really means, "We haven't had a fight in a while."

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.... really means, "you cheap slob!"

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. ... really means, "I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? ... really means, "I can't believe you have nothing planned!"

COME HERE. ... really means, "My puppy does this, too."

I LIKE YOU, BUT... really means, "I don't like you."

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.... really means, "just not in that way."

YOU NEVER LISTEN. ... really means, "You never listen.

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. ... really means, "I'm not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.... really means, "I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will."
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. ... really means, "I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch."

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. .... really means, "We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
___________

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.
'Care to go upstairs and have a shag?' the husband asks.

`Sshhh ' said the bride. `All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper-thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, "Have you left the washing machine door open" instead?'

So the following night, the husband asks, `I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open did you?'

'No, I definitely shut it,' replied the wife who rolled over and went to sleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little randy herself and she nudged her husband and said,
`I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?'

'No thanks,' said the husband, 'it was only a small load and I've done it by hand.'


Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: How do you get four faggots to share a barstool?
A: Turn it upside down!

======
A worried young man from Stamboul,
Found lots of red spots on his tool,
Said the doctor a cynic, "Get out of my clinic!",
Just wipe off the lipstick you fool!"
======
Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen!

Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung

Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a feminist?
A. The lawyer sucks blood and the feminist sucks my cock.

Q. Did you hear about the new feminine hygiene spray called SSY?
A. That's what you have left after you take the PU out of pussy.

Did you hear about the necrophiliac who thought he was in love, until
the rotten cunt split on him?
======
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "You
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied. "Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on
a dead beaver."
======
Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was white as snow,
and everywhere that Mary went, she stepped in lamb shit.

Q. Do you know why no woman will ever be truly satisfied?
A. Because no man will ever have a Chocolate Penis that ejaculates
Money!

 

[melody]

Plastic Surgeon

A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis.
The doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it.
"Well," the patient said, "I live in a trailer camp.
A gorgeous buxom creature lives in the trailer next to mine.
I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that she had a habit.
... Each afternoon she would take a hot dog from her refrigerator
and put it in a hole on her trailer floor.
Then she'd sit on it and have a ball.
She nearly drove me crazy.
So I got a bright idea.
One day I got under her trailer and when she slid
the hot dog in the hole, I slid it out
and slipped my penis up through the hole.
She sat down on it and everything was going just great
until there was a knock at the door."
"And then?" said the doctor.
"Aw hell," the patient explained,
"That's when she tried to kick it under the stove."
___________

Mary Sue, a country blonde, was visiting the big city for the first
time. She checks into her hotel and the bell boy takes her bags. She
follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes
her fist at him.

"Young man -- I may be old and straight from the hills, but that don't
mean I'm stupid! I paid 'good' money and this room won't do at ALL!
It's too small, there's no ventilation, no TV -- why, there's not even
a BED!"
"Ma'am.....don't get all worked up! This is just the elevator!"

Pussy Whipped

The husband had finally had enough of being Pussy-whipped. He burst through the door after work and yelled, " Here's the deal Woman. I want my dinner on the table in 15 minutes. Afterwards, we're going upstairs where you'll give me a great blowjob.
Then while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me. Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys. And do you know who's gonna tie my fucking tie just the way I like it."
"Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker."

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

How many Rednecks does it take to eat a meal? Two, One to eat and
another to watch for cars.
~~~
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
~~~
They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love.........after marriage it is self-defense.

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

You know You're A Redneck When . . .

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. (oh ick!!!)

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

South Texas Tavern

At the end of the bar in a South Texas Tavern on the Mexican border sat
a huge Mexican. He was having a few beers when a short, well dressed,
and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay fellow finally plucked up the courage
to say something to the big Mexican.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?" At
this the massive Mexican leaped up with fire in his eyes and smacked the
crap out of the gay guy, knocking him completely off his stool. Then he
proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised
and battered in the parking lot, then returned to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the big
Mexican. "I've never seen you react like that," he said. "Just what did
he say to you?"

"I don't know," the big Mexican replied with a Mexican accent,
"Something about getting a job".

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with
Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist.

She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love
with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha your 34 years old, your beautiful,
you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"

" Because he is the First man that ever said to me....
....SPIT, don't SWALLOW. "

*~»§«~*~» «~*~»§«~* *~»§«~*~»

A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor
prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy complained
to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," said the man, "shoving
them up my ass?"

Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say:

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately.

I don't blame you for ignoring me. I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, but I still want you right now!

This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.

Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.

Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?

I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby sitter Tracy.

You're my daddy, you're my daddy!

The new girl in my office is a stripper, I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down
and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

Bar food again? Kick ass.

I liked that wedding even more then ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one,
what a wonderful Valentine's Day present, thanks "Poopy."

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.

I've decided to buy myself a boob job, how big do you want 'em?

It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

Honey come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie's bare ass!

My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.

I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigarettes and beer.

You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!

You are so much smarter than my father.

If we're not going to have sex, then you have to at least let me lick your balls and suck you off.

 

[melody]

They Are Keepers If You Hear Them Say...

She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .

* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wet spot.
* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch porno's again?
* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
* Bar food again!? Kick ass.
* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
* You are so much smarter than my father.
* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sports center.

He's A Keeper If You Hear A Man Say...

* I know you just blew me, but I need a kiss.
* I'm sick of beer, give me a fruit juice with a lemon twist.
* Great, your mother's coming to stay with us again.
* I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell her.
* No way, you weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
* Better get rid of these old Penthouse magazines, I don't look at them anymore.
* I understand.
* This movie has too much nudity.
* Damn, we're late for church.
* No. I don't want to see your sister's tits.
* Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
* Put some panties on, for Christ's sake!

Shorties

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it

all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"



A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,

"No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool..!"

His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"

Husband replies, "Our wedding video"


A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies,
"isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?!"


There once was a lass from Kilkenny,
whose usual price was a penny,
for half of that sum,
you could finger her bum,
and have money left over for Denny’s.


“Get this…” said the bloke to his mates “Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. “Did he get anything?” his mates asked. “Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk.”

Tight Skirt

A nice looking woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was standing in line to board a bus in Houston Texas. When her turn came to get on the bus she went to step up but her skirt was too tight and she could not. She smiled at the bus driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little to give her enough movement to step up onto the platform. She tried a second time and still her skirt was too tight, so again she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. When she stepped up the third time she still could not reach the step do to her tight skirt. So smiling at the bus driver again she reached behind her for the third time and lowered her zipper even more. It was no use. Her skirt was still too tight to give her enough legroom to step up.

All at once the big burly Texan behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and lifted her onto the bus platform. The woman whirled around in a rage. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! We don't even know each other!"

The Texan smiled and said, "Well mam, normally I'd say the same thing. But I thought we were at least friends after the third time you reached behind you and unzipped my fly!"
_______

A man lost both of his arms in a car accident.

When he recovered in the hospital, he found that he was useless and decided to commit suicide by jumping out of a 10th-story window.

As he looked down from the window, he saw a man with no arms just like him dancing wildly and happily on the street.

He decided to find out what made this man so happy.

Arriving on the street, he asked, "Hey, brother, stop dancing for a minute and tell what your secret is that you are so happy."

The dancing man responded, "What do you mean, happy? Hell no! My ass itches like hell, but I can't reach it."
_______

A young man from a prominent family was being divorced
by his glamorous wife. His lawyer called with news about
the property settlement. "The good news is that she isn't
asking for any share of your future inheritance."
"Great!" said the young man. "What's the bad news?"
"Well," said the lawyer, "after the divorce, she's
marrying your father!"
_______

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so
shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

Horse Shit

A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic
state.

She says, "Doctor, I think I'm turning into a horse!"

The doctor, taken aback, replies, "I'm sure you may have SOME problem,
but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."

The woman became more insistent and said, "Doctor, look at my teeth.
They're getting bigger and more yellow!"

The doctor calmly replied, "Yes, I see. Your teeth appear a bit larger
and more yellow than your last visit, but I don't think you're turning
into a horse."

Getting more frustrated, the woman said, "Well, I think I'm getting a
mane! Look at all this hair on the back of my neck. It's grown 5 inches
in ONE WEEK!"

Becoming more concerned, the doctor said, "You're NOT turning into a
horse. We'll just shave your neck occasionally."

At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking faster
and louder. "Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very
thick and big. I'm developing HOOVES!"

The doctor in amazement cried, "Holy cow! I've never seen finger and toe
nails THAT big!"

Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said, "And look at
this, doctor. My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"

The doctor looked in amazement, then started scribbling on a small piece
of paper.

The woman asked, "Are you writing me a prescription?"

The doctor said, "No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works
at City Hall. Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take a
shit in the street!"



A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!" whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen."
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.

 

[melody]

An Indian Boy

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on
his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made
her."
"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was
conceived."
Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are
you so curious?"
------
Two Polish guys are discussing one's upcoming wedding.
"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test for that."
"All you need is some red paint, some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On your honeymoon, if
she laughs and says, 'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!'
you hit her with the shovel!"
------
A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped
by a man who was carrying out a survey.
"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."
"Really!" said the woman smiling.
"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"
..."Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable,
especially when you've got a vase stuck up your ass"!

A Man Named Jacques

One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named
Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up
some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual
desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and
brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent
the young lady on her way. She immediately reported this to the police
and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of
the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the
judge with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin
my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room,
BOOM-BOOM,
give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!"

"Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a
lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape.You
must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at
the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her
cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent
everywhere!!!



A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
When the National Anthem began, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
... The patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, the doctor yelled, "Down nuts!" so the patients all sat back down in their seats.

During the game, one of the players hit a home run. The doctor yelled, "Cheer nuts!" so the patients all broke out into applause and cheers.

Considering things were going very well, the doctor decided to leave his patients momentarily and get some munchies and a beer.

When the returned to his seat, there was a riot in progress.
"What happened?" he asked a fellow patron sitting next to his group.

The fellow replies, "Well... everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled "Peanuts! Peanuts! Peanuts!"

No Speakah De English

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one
of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.
"In this country we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda
how to spell 'Mississippi'."
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!

Send cash !



4 blondes walk into an apartment building.
You'da thought that one of them would have seen it.

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
By the lipstick on the cucumbers.

Know what to call the stuff that collects in the crotch of a woman's panties?
Clitty litter.

What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
An armadildo.


Johnny and Tommy where hot one summers day.
The boys decided to go swimming. They went to the public pool.
Soon the lifeguard calls them over. She says, "I've been watching you two. You will have to leave now. "But why?"
"For peeing in the pool."
"Well, but everyone does that." the boys replied in unison.
"Not from the diving board, they don't!"

Who is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone
says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle
the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe
Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the
owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply
religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The
twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva
Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a
cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva
Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and
consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the
world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa
Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you
can correct them.

This guy comes home dead tired from working a twelve-hour
day and collapses in bed.
He's just about asleep when his wife rolls over and says,
"What would you do if I told you that you had a beautiful,
sexy, horny woman lying next to you?"
He replied. "Don't worry honey I'd stay faithful!"

 

[melody]

Female Pilot

As the airliner pushed back from the gate,
the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual
information regarding seat belts, etc.
Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip
while your captain, Judith Campbell,
... and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
"Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said,
"Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas.
I don't know what to think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We no longer call it the cockpit,
Now it's the 'box office'."
________

A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants who
were beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart.

On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous, but tried
to make the best of her performance.

The host asked, "Who was the first man, for one thousand dollars?"

She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman, but he only
paid me one hundred dollars!"

Marrying an Arab Sheik

A beautiful young girl comes home and says,
"Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says,
... "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik.
He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams.
You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury
for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says,
"Ma, I love my Arab sheik,
but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night,that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass.
When I got married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now,
it's the size of a silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

Mary: Yeah, he was nice enough, but the real reason I
dated him for so long was RBD.
Jill: RBD?
Mary: Yeah, Really Big Dick.

The thought for the day:
Some people are like Slinkies Not really good for anything,
but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a
flight of stairs!

Great Blonde One-Liners

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her
cherry?
She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had
the box it came in.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3
days.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the
bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara
Desert.

How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.

What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than he gave horses?
So they wouldn't shit during the parade.
__________________________________________________

Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"
Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"
"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.
"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."
Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks,
"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?"

Obscene Limericks

My back aches, my pussy is sore,
I simply can't fuck anymore,
I'm covered in sweat, And you haven't come yet,
And my God, its a quarter to four!
***
There once was a hacker named Ken,
Who inherited truckloads of Yen,
So he built him some chicks, Of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
***
There was a young girl from Hong Kong,
Whose cervical cap was a gong,
She said with a yell, as a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong"
***
There was an old pirate named Bates,
Who was learning to Rumba on skates,
He fell on his cutlass, which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
***
There once was this bum-fucking faggot,
He'd see anything male and he'd shag it,
One day he fucked the wrong ass, now he's pushing up grass
And his only mate now is a maggot!
***
There once was a horny boy Matt,
Who played with a vampire bat,
With his dick in his hand,
His voice did command,
"Try sucking the blood out of that!"
***
My dorky ex-roommate Pierre,
Once fell asleep in my chair,
I pulled out my unit,
Proceeded to tune it,
And fired my load in his hair!
***
There once was a girl from Nantucket,
Whose boyfriend was about to just chuck it,
She said with a grin,
Wipe that cum from your chin,
I told you it's my job to suck it!
***
Hickory Dickory Dock,
In ten seconds you'll be sucking my cock,
So think very quick,
As I whip out my dick,
Hickory Dickory dock!
***
There was a young man from Crete,
Who could shoot sperm across the street,
A chemist named Kelly,
Bottled the 'jelly',
And sold it as extract of meat!

 

[melody]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father was distressed with his son's preoccupation with
breasts. His son would repeatedly point to attractive girls and whisper,
"Hey, Dad, look at the knockers on that one!"

His father finally took Little Johnny to a psychiatrist, who assured him
that just one day's intensive therapy could cure the boy. When the
session was over, Little Johnny and his father walked several blocks
back to the car. Little Johnny was silent as they passed a number of
attractive girls.

As they neared the car, his proud father was thinking to himself, 'Wow,
it worked', pleased with the psychiatrist's work. Then, as they passed a
guy unloading barrels of beer from a truck, Little Johnny pulled at his
father's sleeve and whispered, "Hey, Dad, look at the ass on the truck
driver!"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*

Little Johnny walked into his Dad's bedroom one day only to catch him
sitting on the side of the bed sliding a condom onto his penis in
preparation of fucking his wife.

Johnny's Father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it
bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doing Dad?"

His Father quickly answered, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the
bed!"

Little Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do when ya catch him, fuck him?"

The 100 Rules Of Porn Movies
Part 3

51. Women always love
having their nipples bitten right away, while they're
still warming up.

52. No one ever gets sore or cramp.

53. Women love laying there and getting pounded in the same position for
hours at a time.

54. Especially when taking on three, four, or ten guys
in a row.

55. All women love facials. Really.

56. The man's dick never
accidentally slips out at the wrong moment.

57. Women "never want a man
as bad as this one."

58. A straight woman will go mad with ecstasy when
a lesbian eats her out.

59. Two or more high school girls left alone all
weekend in a big house will invariably engage in lesbian sex.

60. And when little sis complains about being left out, she is immediately
introduced to every sex act imaginable.

61. If you're a single male,
visiting married friends will involve your fucking the wife while the
husband fucks you because, you know, it just feels right.

62. All
attractive women are insatiably bisexual.

63. But all "bisexual" women
really want a man. That's why two women having sex with each other will
instantly drop everything and pay all their attention to the man who
just walked in on their scene.

64. All women have a secret longing to
fuck someone other than their husband, so that they can finally see what
a "real dick" feels like.

65. All married men are under-endowed, and
every wife cheats with a man whose dick is twice her husband's size.

66. Husbands never raise an eyebrow when their wives leave the house alone
at night dressed in sexy stockings and a garter belt, and head off to
the bar.

67. No man ever has any objections when his wife comes home
from that bar and tells him how a stranger just fucked her better than
she'd ever gotten it from her husband.

68. Instead of being mad, having
just learned that his wife cheated on him with another man, a husband
will get more turned on than he's ever been in his life and willingly
suck the strange man's cum out of his wife's pussy.

69. He will then
begin planning her next night out where he will be able to join her and
maybe even get to watch her fuck another strange man.

70. If the husband
decides to take part in the orgy involving his wife, he will not
actually participate in her adventures until after she's been drenched
in sperm by several men/eaten out by a wild lesbian/fucked silly by a
total stranger.

71. If a wife is "lucky enough" to have a husband who
encourages her to have sex with another man, it only shows her how much
he loves her.

72. Only men who are already married themselves sleep with
another man's wife (presumably because their own wife is already having
an affair with another man).

73. Bosses routinely have sex with their
married female employees, with no fear of sexual harassment charges
being filed.

74. Every woman desires sex with their boss.

75. After sex,
no woman ever tries for advancement by bribing her boss with the threat
of going to his wife with details from their sordid affair.

Driving Steady

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles, and says, "The airbag."

====

A man goes to his doctor for his annual exam. After some tests, the doctor comes in and says, " I have some bad news, you'll only have 18 more erections in your life." The man, disheartened, rushes home. "Honey!" he yells. "I'm only going to have 18 more erections in my life!" His wife, horrified, says, " Well, that's okay, we'll just have to use them sparingly that is all." The man says, " What in the hell are you talking about? You're not on the list."

HORSE RACE
Line up:

In lane 1. Passionate Lady
... In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry

AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught
between Thighs and Big Dick is knocking on the door.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is moving in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got
and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes
through with one final thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weakens...
Heavy Bosom pulls up..
And Clean Sheets never had a chance.
________

Morris was visiting a friend in the hospital.
He was trying to stop smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he
got on the elevator. A lady said to him with a snarl,
'Sir, there's no smoking in here.'
"Morris said, 'I'm not smoking lady.'
" 'But you have a cigar in your mouth,' the woman said.
" 'Lady, ' Morris answered,
'I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse.' "