JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

THERE'S TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY!

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing
the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe.

Blow Job Etiquette


WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no damner of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[melody]

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

English: He's cleaning his automobile
Chinese: Wa Shing Ka

English: This is a tow away zone
Chinese: No Pah King
English: Is there a fugitive here?
Chinese: Hu Yu Hai Ding?

English: Small Horse
Chinese: Tai Ni Po Ni

English: Your price is too high!!!
Chinese: No Bai Nut Ding!!!

English: Did you go to the beach?
Chinese: Wai Yu So Tan?

English: I bumped into a coffee table
Chinese: Ai Bang Mai Ni

English: It's very dark in here
Chinese: Wai So Dim?
English: Has your flight been delayed?
Chinese: Hao Long Wei Ting?

English: I thought you were on a diet?
Chinese: Wai Yu Mun Ching?

English: They have arrived
Chinese: Hai Dei Kum

English: Your body odor is offensive
Chinese: Yu Stin Ki Pu

English: You know lyrics to the Macarena?
Chinese: Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

English: I got this for free
Chinese: Ai No Pei
English: Stay out of sight
Chinese: Lei Lo

English: Phew! Does this bathroom stink!
Chinese: Hu Flung Dung?


You Know.....

YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE SUCKS WHEN.....
A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.
You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.
The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.
Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.
You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.
Your children's school calls to surrender.
The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.
Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection,plastic.

You know you are in the wrong Church when:

1. The church bus has gun racks.
2. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.
3. The Bible they use is the "Dr. Seuss Version."
4. There's an ATM in the lobby.
5. Choir wears leather robes.
6. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. -- "Bring Your Own Snake."
7. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.
8. Karaoke Worship Time.
9. Ushers ask, "Smoking or Non-smoking?"
10. The only song the organist knows is "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida."

 

[melody]

Red Tomatoes

A very beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get
her tomatoes to turn red.

One day while taking a stroll she came upon a handsome gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

She asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my
tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn
red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same
thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.

So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping
for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way,
how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied,"but my cucumbers are enormous."

A Fairy Wish

A Fairy told a married couple:

"For being such an exemplary Married couple for 25 years, I will give
you each a wish."

"I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband"
said the wife.
The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared
in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said:

"Well......this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this
only occurs once in a lifetime. So....I'm sorry my love, but my wish
is......to have a wife 30 years younger than me"

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish.

The Fairy made a circle with her magic stick and.......abracadabra!...

Suddenly the husband was 90 years old.

Men might be bastards But Fairies are Female!

=========

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking
about their professions.
The one guy says,
"I'm a YUP..ya know...Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guys says
... "I'm a DINK..ya know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?
"She replied.... "I'm a WIFE...ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

 

[melody]

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get
naked, and start fingering themselves and each other. After a few
minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they
measure the slimy outline she leaves. The second one then squats on
the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which
is even bigger. The third one squats on the table, but when she
stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."
She says, "Smell the rim."
=======
*There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

*My dental hygienist, Faye Ray,
Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day;
Your gums will be stronger,
Your teeth will last longer,
Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!"
*On the banks of the Thames stood lord Buckingham
Dreaming of tits and of sucking them
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fuckin' 'em


Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex

~*~ "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
~*~ "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
~*~ "How come it's so BIG in there?"
~*~"You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
~*~"Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,...OK?"
~*~ (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
~*~ (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
~*~ "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
~*~ "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
~*~ "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
~*~ "Maybe if you did some push ups, your boobs would grow."
~*~ "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
~*~ "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday
night or something?"
~*~ "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
~*~ "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
~*~ "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."
~*~ "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
~*~ "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

O0O0O0O0O0O

Little Johnny and his dad were in the front yard attempting to fly a
kite. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down.
This went on for a while until Little Johnny's mom stuck her head out of
the front door and yelled, "You need more tail!"

Little Johnny's father yelled back "Shut the Fuck up you BITCH! I told
you yesterday that I needed more tail... and you told me to go fly a
fucking kite!"

 

[melody]

Babies

A polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had
a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without
hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What
ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year

or so he'll start to talk.
We just want to be able to understand him."

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist,
so everyone will know what it looks like in here."
The next one says, "I want to be an olympic swimmer because I get so much practice
in here." Then the last baby says," I'm going to be a hunter, because if that
snake comes in here and pokes me again I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.

It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

A young boy knows about sex and where babies come from because his
mother told him that "the man puts his penis inside the woman and she
gets pregnant." A few days later, after pondering this for some time,
the boy asks in all the innocence and wonder of a child, "Does the man
ever get his penis back??"

A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".
======
Three prostitutes are chatting in a bar one night and the topic comes up on how loose they are.
The first one says, "Oh, three fingers."
The second says, "Gotcha beat, my whole fist!"
The third one just laughed and slid down the bar stool.
=======
Pick-Up Line: "That blouse looks very becoming on you, but if I were
on you, I'd be coming too."
======
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts.
"This is her husband!"


Q: What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?
A:A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Q: What is the difference between garbage and an ugly girl?
A: Garbage gets picked up at least once a week.

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

Q: What is the strongest muscle?
A: Tongue.... Because it can raise woman's hip with just one lick.


Love is a complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.


"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"
"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he had a premature ejaculation."
"What did he say when it occurred?"
"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

 

[melody]

Good Girls; Bad Girl's And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

Piano Player

A bar had a sign in the window advertising that they needed a piano
player. A scroungy-looking, old, retired Navy Chief entered the bar and
told the bartender he was interested in the job. The bartender wasn't
too impressed with his looks but said, "What the hell," and pointed the
old sailor to the piano in the corner.

The tattooed old veteran sat down and started to play the most
beautiful, melodious piece of music the people in the bar had ever
heard. All talk stopped while he played, and when he finished with a
musical flourish, they all applauded.

"Hey, man, you're good," said the barkeep. "What was that?"

"That was an original composition I call, 'Drop Them Panties And
Grease-Up, Woman, 'Cause It's Gonna Be A Long, Long Night.' "

"Interesting title," said the bartender. "Got another?"

The old sailor broke into a foot stompin' honky-tonk piece that brought
the bar patrons to their feet, clapping along until it was finished,
when they again gave him a thunderous round of applause.

"You are great, man. Really great. What do you call that one?" asked the
bartender.

"That's another original little ditty I call, 'I Wanna Lick Yer Bare
Butt, Baby, 'Til I Make You Bark Like A Fox.' "

The old sailor then turned around on the bench and said, "If you'll
excuse me, I need to use the restroom."

While he was gone, the bartender decided to offer him the job, starting
immediately. When the old musician returned a few moments later, the
bartender said, "If you want the job, it's yours."

He looked down and noticed the old sailor hadn't "quite" finished his
trip to the restroom.

"By the way," he asked him, "do you know your pecker is hanging out for
all the world to see?"

"Know it? Hell, I WROTE it!"

BBBB

Two men were in the pub discussing their latest sexual conquests. The
first man says he picked up this girl last week and they agreed to go
back to his
house and have sex. Once in the house the girl stripped off her
clothes,
lay down on the bed with legs apart and panted, "I want you to give me
twelve inches and make me bleed."
The second man not for one moment believed his friend was that
well-hung, asked what he did.
"Well" he says, "What could I do - I laid her twice and smacked
her in the face!"

 

[melody]

I Will Survive
~To the tune of Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive"~

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
By the ugly fucker lying by my side.
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head,
If I'd known for just one second I'd be in your crusty bed ...

I tried to go, walk out the door.
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor.
Your butt's a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace,
But I'd rather look at that, than at your fuckin' ugly face ...

I want to go, I've got to leave.
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave.
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Cuz when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere!

I can't believe that we both shagged.
You should be wearing concrete shoes, or simply bound and gagged.
I'm fucking off right now, I'm jumping on the flippin' train
and I'm not stopping till I'm home and washed your greeblies down the drain.

Please let me go, I feel quite sick,
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly little prick.
I should have fucked your gorgeous roommate, at least he's got a nice tight ass
But no, I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, and you have no class.

It's time to go, run out the door.
You look so ugly it should really be against the law.
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun,
Cuz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun!

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤»¤«::::»§«::::»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

Yes, in fact I do suffer from PMS ...
Putting up with Men's Shit.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

As the doctor removed the fourth peanut butter cup
from my rectum, I came to a very, very important
realization: There *is* a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

»¤«::::»§«::::»¤

I don't mean to sound pessimistic, but it seems
as if everything I eat lately turns to shit.

Lesbionics

Q: What do lesbians do after an argument?
A: The go home and lick each others wounds.

A group of blind lesbians were bunchin'
Together to have a big luncheon.
But no one could tell,
Except by the smell,
Exactly whose cunt each was munchin'!

Q: How many screws are there in a lesbian's coffin?
A: None, it's all tongue-in-groove, with no studs.
Although most were called back because their tongues weren't long enough.

There's a new tennis shoe on the market made strictly for lesbians,
they are called DYKYS.


Q: Why were lesbians invented?
A: So feminists wouldn't breed.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 19-One to change it and 18 to make a documentary about it.

Q: How do you know that you are in a real lesbian bar?
A: Not even the pool table has balls.

Q: What is the name for a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A: A tong war.

A lesbian was in the gynecologist's office one day, and as the doctor began his examination, he remarked, "My, aren't we clean today?"
"Yeah," replied the rug muncher, "I have a woman who comes in twice a week."

Q: What's the new and politically correct name for Lesbian?
A: Vagitarian.

What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.

Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.

What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 city workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.

 

[melody]

Old Mr. Periwinkle

Old Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room. Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle." He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time." Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room. A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and wal ks in his room. "Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says. "Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies. To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"
,,,,,
Deb and Jeff had just finished a vigorous round of passionate sex when
Jeff discovered that the condom he was using had come off. After the
initial panic wore off and expletives were issued, Jeff, in a fit of
humor, grabbed a flashlight, and while pointing it towards Deb's
private parts yelled:
"Swim toward the light! Swim toward the light!"
,,,,,
"You'll never believe what happened to me!" said Andy to Fred.
"What?"
"This weekend, I went out hunting, and I came across a girl tied to the railroad tracks! She had the most beautiful body I ever saw! I untied her and I fucked her for hours! It was great!"
"So, did she suck a good dick?"
"Well, that's the only thing. I looked and looked, but I never did find her head."

Dr. Chang

A woman is very distraught because she hasn't had a
date or any sex in quite sometime. Concerned that she
may have something wrong with her, she decides to
employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her
family doctor recommends Dr. Chang, a well-known
Chinese sex therapist.
The next day, the woman enters the examination room,
and Dr. Chang says, "Okay, take off all your crose."
The woman thinks nothing of the doctor's request,
considering she is in a doctor's office, after all.
Then, Dr. Chang says, "Now, get down and crawl reery
fass to the other side of room."
The reluctant woman complies. She gets down onto the
floor and crawls to the other side of the room.
The doctors holds back a smirk, slowly shakes his head,
and says, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary
Disease. Worse case I ever see. That why you not haf
sex or dates."
Confused, the woman asks, "What in the world is this
Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang replies, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."


Q: Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my
legs?
A: You will when you're older, Lucy!
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a cat?
A: A pussy-gobbler.
Q: What's the difference between a gynecologist and a geneologist?
A: A genealogist looks up your family tree and a genealogist looks
up your family bush.


One day a boy asks his dad,
What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me." He took his
son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude.
Son" he whispered, see that brown soft furry patch?
That is a pussy".
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?
No!" replied his father.
That might wake the cunt up

 

[melody]

Prostitutes

A cowboy arrives in a little town, enters the saloon and screams, "I want a woman, I want a fuck!"
"Welcome." says the owner, "We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30!"
"She's wonderful!" replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem." said the owner, "For $20, Blondie the Blonde sucks your cock out of your underwear!"
"She's real pretty," replied the cowboy, "But I don't have that much money!"
"No problem sir!" said the owner, "For $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand til the mornin!"
"She's nice," replied the cowboy, "But I don't hav......"
"How much fucking money do you have then?" screamed the owner.
"Errrrr," whispered the cowboy, "25 cents!"
"Alright then," gasped the owner, "Go upstairs to room 22!"
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young girl lying with her legs wide open. He jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and says to the owner, "I... I think I have a problem!"
"What about?" replied the owner.
"Well," said the cowboy, "You know the young lady in room 22.....I was having fun with her and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a load of white mess!"
"Oh shit!" screamed the owner, "Someone go and change the corpse in room 22, it's full again!"

iiii

Two prostitutes were talking about how rough times were.
One said, "You know, times are so bad that I did a trick last night for five measly bucks, just so I had the taxi fare home!"
"Huh," replied the other slag, "I gave away a blowjob last night just to get something warm in my stomach!"

I've Learned.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love
you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they
panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up
trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy
it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for
about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better
have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself
to others - they are more fucked up than you
think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after
you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what
we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and
steamy a relationship is at first, the passion
fades, and there had better be a lot of money
to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will be
the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad
friends because their dysfunction makes us feel
better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually
get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about
in life are taken from you too soon and all the
less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take
a joke" in 6 languages.

========================================

Did You Know!

Laughing stock is really cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?
...
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Eating right. Staying fit. Die anyway.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

A shin is a device for finding furniture in the dark.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

 

[melody]

The Older Woman

A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. They drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”? “What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother and daughter threesome.” she said.
As the guy’s mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, “No, I haven’t”. They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, “tonight’s your lucky night.” They hopped into a taxi and went back to her place. When they arrived back at her place and they walked into the front door, she turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs “Mom… you still awake?”

*****

*There once was a lass called Louise,
who’s cunt smelt like Limburger Cheese,
she leaked so much grunge,
that she purchased a sponge,
that sopped up the muck to her knees.

*There was a young man from Bombay,
who shagged 20 chickens a day,
he wouldn’t stop fucking,
till they all started clucking,
then he’d eat all the eggs that they lay.

*There once was a man from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
within half an hour,
his dick was a flower,
and his balls were all covered with weeds.

*There once was a lady from Reno,
who lost all her cash playing keno,
so she laid on her back,
opened her crack,
and now she owns the casino.

Sex Therapy

A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven
Florida.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, Will you watch
us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished,
the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find
out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married

and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for

$50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.


Which is more profitable, a two story or a one story whore house?
-A one story because there's no fucking overhead!
What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant?
-A whore who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever!
Why do men like women in leather?
-Because they smell like new cars.
What should you do if you arrive home and find your wife in bed
with another man?
-Make sure his guide dog hasn't shit on the bedroom floor!
How does a woman know when a man fakes an orgasm?
-She ends up swimming in a sea of piss!

 

[melody]

A Redneck Letter

Dear Son,

I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....

Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

00000000000

Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment."

Women's Ass Size Study

*There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric
Association about women and how they feel about their asses!

The results were pretty interesting:

1. 85% of women think their ass is too big..
2. 10% of women think their ass is too little...
3. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's
a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

============ ========= ========= =========

Dirty Leroy is out on the playground during 4th-grade recess.
He goes up to his classmate Lucy, and tells her "I'd sure like to be in
your pants right now!"

"How can you say such a thing?" she demands angrily.

"Well, I just shit in mine!"

============ ========= ========= =========

Two cannibals, a father and son, were out trying to get something to eat.
They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came a little old man.
The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one." "No", said the father.
"There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs.
We'll just wait." A little while later, along came a really fat man.
The son said, "Hey dad, he's big enough." "No", the father said.
"We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, there came this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one Dad, let's eat her."
"No", said the father. "Were not going to eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive,
and eat your mother".

 

[melody]

The Front Door

This boy just takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy???!!!" "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up."

"I've already said NO, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

"My love.. don't be like that.."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her night gown with hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says."

Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will comedown and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

Statistical Findings:

10% of the women had sex within the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-traditional place
36% of the women favor nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the morning
80% of the men have never experienced homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced sex in the office.

Conclusion: Statistically speaking, you have a better chance of having anal sex in the morning with a strange woman in the forest than to have sex in the office at the end of the day. Moral: Do not stay late in the office. Nothing good will ever come of it!

Jack And Mabel

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack.
Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer,
the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.
One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel
bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the
first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this
strange phenomena. Upon finding the farmer he proceeded to drop his
trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.
"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"
"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.
"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."
"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.
"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the
milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick.
It'll go down quick smart, trust me."
The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw
the farmers' wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he
rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfuls
of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.
"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel. "Well," Jack replied,
"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."
"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and
lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"
So he did.
Both handfuls!!!!!



There once was a girl from Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
the men who got pussed,
were desperate for lust,
and licked up what was left in her drawers.

There was a young lady from Brewster
Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her,
But her panties were thin
And my finger slipped in
And it still just don't smell like it used ter.

L A Math

LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME GANG/CREW NAME________ ___ CRIB.

1. Ramone has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip.
He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and
He uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting.
How many drive-by shootings can Ramone attempt
Before he has to reload?

2. Otis has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an
8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for
$85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest
Of his hold?

3. Rufus pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick,
How many tricks per day must each ho turn to support
Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Dave wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought
For $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags
Will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?

5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for
Stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4.
If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's,
How many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?

6. Tom got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000
For the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100
Of his hit money per month, how much money will
Be left when he gets out?

17. If an average can of spray paint covers 22
Square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet,
How many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce
Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 3 girls in the gang.
There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact
Percentage of girls Tyrone knockup?

9. LaSheena is a lookout for the gang. LaSheena also
Has a Boa Constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week
At a cost of $5 per rat. If LaSheena makes $700 week
As a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on
One week's income?

10. Marvin steals Joe's skate board. As Marvin skates
Away at 15 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes
Joe 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when he gets whacked?

 

[melody]

Groaners

In which battle did Napoleon die?
His last battle.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom of the page.

The Talahatchie River flows in which state?
Liquid.

What is the main reason for divorce?
Marriage.

What can you never eat for breakfast?
Lunch and Dinner.

What looks like half an apple?
The other half.

If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
It will become wet.

How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack!

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away!)

She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg, but broke it off!

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A Local Area Network in Australia is a LAN down under!

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick says, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My friend just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak!

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit!

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery!

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

"Is It Because I'm Blonde?"

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl
said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes,
it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."


A road repair crew was working on street outside a convent. The crew
was typical with their rough language. The Mother Superior called the
supervisor of the crew inside and lodged a complaint about the language
being used. The supervisor said, 'Well Mother the crew is plain spoken
and will call a spade a spade'. Mother Superior said, 'In this case they
are calling it a fucking shovel'.

Penis Stretcher

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush
tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a
certain age, a string is tied around the penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked down at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"

"No...it's turned black."

nnn

Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they
are born?
A: It knocks the dicks off of the dumb ones.

nnn

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub
and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself
at the bar, so he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance
floor for a slow one. While they were cheek
to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific.
What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said,
"You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on,
but I didn't think you could smell it."

 

[melody]

A Pet Rooster

A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater." The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go. "Oh, I understand.” but if that is the case "you should not come in either." The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!” So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies. About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out. The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out." Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty." "Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!"

=====

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?" "Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning." "My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims. Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

=====

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

Woman asks, 'What are you?'

He says, 'I'm a Fireman'

'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!

The TRUE Story Of Jack And Jill.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack pulled down his pants.
Jill said, "What's that?"
Jack said, "I don't know."
Jill pulled down her pants and
Jack said "EWE!! What's that?"
Jill said, "I don't know."
And then they went home.

Later on, Jill went to her mom
and pulled down her pants.
Jill said, "mommy, what is that?"
and her mom said,
"that's your garage,
never ever let a car park on your garage."
Jack went to his dad and pulled down his pants.
Jack said, "daddy, what's this?"
His dad said
"That's your car,
don't park a car in anyone's garage till you're older."

The next day Jack and Jill went up the hill again.
Jack pulled down his pants and Jill said,
"Ewe, what IS that?
Jack said, "That's my car,
I'm not supposed to park my car in anyone's garage."
Jill pulled down her pants and Jack said
"Ewe, what IS that?
Jill said, " that's my garage,
I'm not so posed to let any car park in my garage."
And then they went home.

Jill's mom saw Jill come in and asked
why she had blood all over her hands.
Jill says, "Jack tried to park his car
in my garage so I ripped off his back tires!!"

 

[melody]

Ten Signs Your Spouse Is Having A Cyber Affair...

10. Lately, she sits at the computer naked.
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette.
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand.
5. Every day, Bill Gates sends 10 million dollars worth of flowers.
4. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear.
3. During sex she screams "A COLON BACKSLASH ENTER INSERT!!!!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's ass.
1. Lipstick on the mouse.



As an usher made his rounds one evening at a posh Texas theater,
he noticed an obviously drunken cowboy sprawled across three seats.
He nudged the cowboy's foot with his flashlight.
"I'm sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned, but didn't move.
"Sir!" the usher insisted. "If you don't move I'll have to get the manager."
The cowboy groaned again, wiggling one hand, but still didn't move.
The usher marched off and came back with the manager.
The manager tried to get the cowboy to move, but he just moaned.
Finally fed up with the man, the manager called the police.
The policeman walked in, listened to the manager's explanation,
then grabbed the cowboy by the shoulder, shaking him slightly.
"All right, buddy, what's your name?"
"Steve," the cowboy groaned.
"Where ya from, Steve?" the officer asked, hoping to talk him into moving.
Steve moaned, tried to lift his hand to point, and said,
"the balcony!"

If Men Wrote The Dear Abby Column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
**********
A fraternity brother confronted a junior member, telling him, "A
sorority girl is running around campus telling people you have a
small dick." "Yeah?" the junior member replied. "Well, she has a big
mouth."