JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

A Sunday Drive

A couple were doing the Sunday drive thing in the country when the
husband spotted a sign on a farmer's fence that read, "Cow 4 sale;
$5,000.00."

He stopped and approached the farmer. "No cow is worth that kind of
money." He tells the farmer. The farmer argued, "This cow is a special
cow. It has a cunt like a woman." To prove it, he lifted the cow's tail.

The husband got back in the car and told his wife, " It's just not fair.
That cow has a cunt like a woman and is worth five grand. You've got a
cunt like a cow and you're not worth shit."

~*~^~*~^~
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th
anniversary. "HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the
day you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic
area forward, "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn
coat!"

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was
your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards
it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT
WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

Women's Test

I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama

Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible.

1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out
and leave it as food for wild jackals

2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"

3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a back rub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons

4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the
demon-horns

5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit

6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) [giggle] What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are cool !
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!

7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture

8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader

9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed

10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade

11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping

12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JiffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store

13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor

14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards

15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?

16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes

17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup

18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh

19) My favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek:TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual

20) My favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Dasz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart

21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns

22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you

23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom

24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the
first place."

25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably

Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the
Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"

Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.

Middle Aged Couples

Two middle-aged couples go on a camping trip. The men stay in one
tent and the women stay in the other.
At about two in the morning one man wakes up and says, "Oh my gosh!"
The other guy wakes up and asks, "What's wrong?"
The man says, "I gotta go find my wife, I just woke up with the
biggest erection I've ever had!!!"
"Want me to come with you?" asks the other guy.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because you're holding my dick."


Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

Men Vs. Women Jokes

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I pray beside my bed,
I look at the clown you sent me instead.
Amen.

MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store. Amen.



A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


Cash, check or charge? I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


Woman to her husband: Bye darling, I’m going to take the car and go shopping!
Few minutes later,
Woman: The engine is not starting anymore; will you come and look at it?
Husband: Have you checked the fuel?
Woman: No there's water in the carburetor
Husband: You don't know shit about mechanical so how do you assume this to be true?
Woman: Because the car is in the pool.


There needs to be more elaboration here:

WELL- this usually means that the woman in question cannot form a sufficient argument and is instead stalling. Usually, if you go on without pause during this time, you are asking for trouble and she will remember it for a very long time. There will be hell to pay. Watch out for WELL.

OH GOD- Listen up men, this does not mean a woman is praying to God. It means she is so utterly repulsed by what you have done or said that she has nothing else to say. If encountered at the right conjunction, this word is very deadly coupled with WELL and FINE.

 

[melody]

Animal Love

Bats have sex in the air while flying.

Kinsey found that the most frequent animal/human sex was in excess of eight times a week.
The age group that was the most frequent was less than 15 years old.

Erect giraffe penises are four feet long.

Chinese lovers, before the days of Mao, were most fond of sex with fowl.

When faced with an unfamiliar partner, a pregnant female rat or mouse will
spontaneously abort its fetus and go into heat.

To have sex with donkeys, Mongol men would often tie their hind legs together.

Average sexual intercourse between minks lasts eight hours.

Middle Eastern cave paintings reveal that men used to have sex with female crocodiles
because they believed that it would make them rich and important

A dragonfly's penis has a shovel on the end that scoops out a rival male's semen

The Inca enacted laws to prevent llama drivers from having sex with their animals
and enforced the laws be requiring that the llama drivers be escorted by chaperones.

The average gorilla weighing 200 pounds has a penis that is two inches long.

Upon losing battles, apes will tend to masturbate.

Male boars excite females by breathing on their faces.

In the animal kingdom, chimpanzees hold the record for the fastest quickies.
Sexual intercourse can last as little as three seconds.

Most giraffes are bisexual.

Billy goats urinate on their own heads to smell more attractive to females.

Pigs and hogs have corkscrew-shaped penises.

The sea slug does little more than eat, sleep, and copulate--actually it copulates a lot,
often in orgies. One researcher at the University of Miami has witnessed as many
as 10 sea slugs at a time engaging in chain copulating.

Damn sea slugs got the right idea

The Elderly Couple

Morris, an elderly gentleman and woman met at a nursing home where they
both had taken residence. They enjoyed each other's company a great
deal, often ate their meals together, and talked throughout the day.

One morning during breakfast, Morris said to the woman, "You know
Sherry, you and I are still in pretty good health and enjoy visiting
with each other. I have an offer to make you.

"Yes?" Sherry replied.

"How about if we get together tonight and, you know, have sex? I'd even
be willing to compensate you $50 for your time. We deserve a little
pleasure." he said.

While she wasn't exactly sure what a "pleasure" it would be, the woman
decided that she could use the $50 and said, "OK Morris. Meet me in my
room at 11:00 tonight."

That night the man showed up promptly at 11pm. After the activities
were
completed, Morris was getting dressed. As he pulled out his wallet, he
said, "Wow, that was great. And ,gee, if I had known that you were
still
a virgin, I would have been willing to offer $100 for the evening."

"Yeah?" she replied, "And if I thought that you could still get it up,
I would have taken off my pantyhose!"



A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his
gorgeous, sexy very blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he
brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband,
winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get
horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the
garbage.
"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should
use
it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled all my fillings
loose."

Farmer John

Ol' farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who
should he see, but his old friend Chis the tractor salesman sitting up
at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go
up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these
days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his
face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said,
shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these
days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor, and
soon, or I'll lose that dealership forever."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think
you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this:

"I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That old
cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit
down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes started slappin'
me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with
it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to
the rafters. Then I got back to work.

"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a
kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that didn't piss me off!
So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of
the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again.

"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any
part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't
about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope
and tied Bessy's left leg to the side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take sip his beer.

Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John,
"Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what...If you can convince my
wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from
you!"
-----------
Regina needs orgasms badly
But Daniel, her husband, is sadly
Deficient in size
And technique; it's no surprise
That she diddles her middle bits madly

A Young Man And Two Women

A young Spanish man new to this country was seated at the bar. The
bartender notices him staring at two women at the other end of the bar.

Son, he says, I noticed you staring at the two women at the end of the
bar I want you to ignore them; they are undesirable in this country.
A few moments later the bartender notices the young man staring again.

Son, I'm trying to help you, they are undesirable in this country.
A moment later the bartender again notices the young man is again staring
at the two women.

He blurts out, son, see the blonde she wants to rip
off the panties of the brunette and suck her pussy. The brunette wants
to rip off the bra of the blonde and suck on her tits. We call women
like that lesbians and they are undesirable in this country.
As the
bartender returned to work he heard the young man behind him sobbing.
What's wrong son, he ask. I think I'm a lesbian too!!!"

**********

Confucius says, thou who gives rim job, talks shit.

**********

"A new birth control pill named Seasonale promises to reduce
the frequency of women's periods, from every month to four times
a year."

Downsides include tusks, massive weight gain and a 24-month
gestation period.

**********

Doctor: "I'm afraid I have some good news and
some bad news, Miss Hottwot."

Miss Hottwot said, "Well, give me the good news first, Doc."

Doctor, speaking rather somberly, said, "Your lab
tests came back today, and your crabs are all gone."

Miss Hottwot smiled, and said "Gee, that's great!
But what's the bad news?"

Doctor: "We don't know what killed them."

 

[melody]

Yoga Style

Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual
activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was
able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally naked,
lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.

The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she
got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs
behind her head. The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as
she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked
herself backwards until she finally got it behind
her head. However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped
slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in
the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed,
"For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in!
You look like an asshole!!"


Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.

Q: Why don't blondes water ski?
A: Because they lie down as soon as their crotches get wet.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: If you slap a mosquito, it'll stop sucking.

Q: Why can't you tell blondes knock knock jokes?
A: Cos they go and answer the fucking door.

Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

Q: How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: She can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear!

Q: Which 3rd grader has the best body, the blonde, brunette or redhead?
A: The blonde - she is eighteen.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
A You shine a flashlight in her ear.

Near Death

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Asshole, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
===========
A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"
===========
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant. "No, no, no!" insisted the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Jamaican Fisherman

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood, and his possessions. He was trudging around the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps) he rubbed it. POOF! A Genie appeared - a Jewish one.

"Vey!" he said. "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you, my boy?"

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes.

"Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins," the genie said.

"Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women."

"No problem," said the Genie.

POOF! The Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie-there's always a string attached.


There was a blonde and she bought a brand new Convertible Porsche. She was driving along and she hit a guy's diesel. The man got out burning with anger. He pulled the blonde out of the car got a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the road and put the blonde in the circle and told her to stay in that circle. Then he got back in his diesel and ran over the blonde's new Porsche several times. Then when he got back he saw that the blonde was laughing. He asked:” why are you laughing? I just ran over your car”. The blonde said,"I got out of the circle 3 times".


A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And, no doubt, you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, No!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache!" "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

If God Was A Woman....

1. Sex would smell like chocolate
2. Farts would smell like roses
3. Dogs would smell spring fresh
4. Babies would come from vending machines
5. Men would be born with a permanent erection
6. All women would have the same size breasts
7. There would be no cellulite
8. Every food on the planet would be FAT FREE
9. Men would be born with an "OFF" switch
10. There would be no "Hooters"
11. A man's paycheck would be made payable to his wife
12. All menstrual cycles would be replaced with a 5-8 day vacation in
Hawaii!
13. Men would inherit the menstrual cycle
14. Men would come with software to be custom designed
15. Men would come equipped with homing device for quick location by
wife
16. Men would have a built in lie detector on forehead for instant
verification of truth
17. Men would be intelligent enough to tell the
difference between six inches and three inches
18. Sex would last longer than 30 seconds
19. Foreplay would not be a quick slap on the fanny and a kiss on the
cheek
20. Viagra becomes an over the counter drug.


A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and said, "my house is on
fire!"
The man on the phone said, "Well, can you tell me how we get there?"
She said, "Duhhh!!! In the big red trucks!"
How can you tell a woman is really ugly?
A cannibal takes one look at her and orders a salad.

 

[melody]

Apples

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign,
"Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should
Cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples
Are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly
Apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the
Peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a
Sweet jelly.
The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but
They're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow,
These are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and
A rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.
The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got
Some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're pussy
Apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says,
"YUCK, these taste like shit!"
The farmer says, "Turn it around."


John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law, " John replied,
While shaking his head sadly. "I have
A real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has
Problems with their mother-in-law. "
"Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant."

Splitting Headache

I cuddled up to my wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

She rolled over away from him. "Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied rather tersely.

Too horny to read the obvious signals the husband pleaded. "Please, honey. I'll only stick it in for a minute"

"What do you think I am," his wife retorted, "a fucking microwave?"

------------

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord...
"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"
"It's my four year old son..." the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting
in school? - my lad's just the same - forget
about it, it happens to boys that age" said
the landlord, sympathetically. " I only wish
it was that" continued the customer, " but it's
far worse than that. The little bastard has got
our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord
"It's not" said the man...
"the little shit stuck a pin in all my condoms"

------------

Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flaps to get to the good stuff.

Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.

Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.

Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls

Q. How can you tell if you are in a gay amusement park?
A. They issue gerbils at the tunnel of love.

Trays Up

I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male
flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting
and announced "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your
trays, that would be great."

I did as he had instructed but the woman sitting next to me did not. A
few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her:
"Ma'am,
perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I asked you
to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the plane."

She still wouldn't comply. Now he was getting angry and asked her again
to put up the tray.

She then calmly turned to him and said: "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one."

Our flight attendant replied: "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called
a queen and I outrank you, bitch, so put the tray up!"



Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane
and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was into clubbing, so I'm going to
scatter his ashes on the dance floor."

The third man said, "My Paul was such a good lover, I think I'm going
to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one
more time."

Perversions

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There
is a hot chick sitting a couple of stools over. She looks at him
and gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink,
which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries
of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through
a divorce.
"You too huh?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"
"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.
"What a coincidence, MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he
says to her. "She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex."
"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we
explore our perversions together?"
He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing
neither can go to one another's house because of their estranged
spouses, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone.
The woman was becoming quite aroused about this time,
and jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation
of what is to come...
"Please hurry baby, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans
from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears
his zipper come down, then finally his pants coming down.
Nearly beside herself, she is somewhat surprised when she
hears him pull his pants back up, then his zipper, then his belt
getting fastened.
"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our perversions here!"
she complained.
"We did!" he says, "I just shit in your purse!"
=====

Men's Three Rules Of Getting Old
1. Never pass a bathroom
2. Never waste a hard-on
3. Never trust a fart

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my
son move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: Why do women always go to the bathroom right after sex?
A: They can't teach their pussies to spit.

 

[melody]

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.
She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the
back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass
and again tips it down her skirt back.

Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down your
skirt?"

"Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the
only asshole I'm sharing it with."
__________

Q: Why were lesbians created?
A: So feminists couldn't reproduce!

Q: Why did god give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Why do gay men have mustaches?
A: To hide the stretch marks.

Q: Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?
A: They can't decide whether to do him regular or crispy.

Q: What did the wife do when she found out her husband was
gay?
A: She turned around and took it like a man.

Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies
down to get knocked up.

Old Man And Old Woman

An old man and an old woman are both in an old folks home and have not had sex in almost thirty years, they both quite fancy each other, and decide to have sex with one another.
The old man tells the old lady there is a day trip to Blackpool for the old folks on Wednesday, he suggests they should stay behind so they can get it on while the others are away.
When Wednesday comes round all the old folks leave on a bus and the old man makes his way round to the old ladies room.
As he enters the room he finds the old woman naked on the bed with her legs spread, the man races in to perform some well-needed cunnilingus on the woman.
After about 10 seconds the old man raises his head and tells the old woman he can't carry on as the smell is too bad.
The old woman slightly embarrassed by this and says "I'm sorry, the smell must be down to my Arthritis"
"Arthritis?" says the old man "How can arthritis cause such a bad smell?"
"It's my shoulders" says the old woman "I can't wipe my arse properly".


Squirrel Bait meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter.
He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.

"Blonde Work Crew"

Two blonde girls were working for the Timaru District Council Parks Department. One would dig a hole and the other girl would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other side, before moving on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling the hole in again, then moving on.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but had absolutely no idea what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, I'm impressed by all the hard effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig the holes, only to have your partner follow behind you and fill it up again?
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, Well, I suppose it looks odd because we are normally a three person team but the girl who plants the trees called in sick today.

<>*<>*<>*<>*<>

"Blonde Tattoo"

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant seashell on her inner thigh. Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo and in that location.
She responds, "It is really cool. If you put your ear up against it, you can smell the ocean."

The Pretty Girl

A man walks into a bar and winks at a pretty girl at the other end "bartender", he says, "I'd like to buy that lady a drink."

"Don't do it," the bartender says, "She's a lesbian."

"You're crazy," he said, "She's beautiful and she winked back."

So the bartender gives her the drink. A minute later she moves down and thanks the gentleman.

"Bartender," he says, "Give the lady another drink." "I'm warning you," the bartender says as he hands her the drink.

After she finishes this drink she asks if he would like to see her breast. "YES!!!" he says and the woman lifts her blouse.

After the next drink, and another warning from the bartender, she takes his hand and asks, "Would you like to touch my ass?"

The gentleman replies "OH, YES!!!, DEFINITELY!!!" So he sits with his hand on her bottom and asks for another drink.

The bartender, thoroughly impressed by now and convinced he was wrong in his judgement obliges.

After this she asks " Are you ready to taste a hot, wet, sweet pussy?"

"THANK YOU GOD!!!", the man exclaims, and then "YES!!!!!!!"

At this the attractive lady grabs him by his tie pulls him close, kisses him and says, "Hope you enjoyed!"
________

Little Johnny and two of his friends were sitting on a front porch one day after school.

Billy looked down the street and saw a bright red Corvette.

"Some day I'm gonna be a lawyer so I can buy me one of those Corvettes," he said.

Robbie looked over at the driveway next to the Corvette and saw a brand new Ferrari.

"I'm gonna be a doctor," he said, "so I can get me a fast Ferrari."

Little Johnny looked over at the other two and replied, "I'm gonna learn how to suck dick when I grow up."

The other two jaws dropped.

"That's what my sister does, and she owns both of those cars," explained Little Johnny
________

Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.

The local priest, walks by and gives her a glare.

"Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"

"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"

 

[melody]

Jewish Humor

A lady approaches her rabbi and tells him, "Rabbi, I have
a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only
know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the rabbi inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want
to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the rabbi exclaimed, "but I have a
solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots
over to my house and I will put them with my two male
talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read Hebrew.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that
terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise
and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the rabbi's house.
His two male parrots are wearing tiny yamulkes and praying in
their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots
and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and
exclaims, "Put away the siddurs! (prayer books) Our prayers have been
answered!"
*****
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox
rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "for modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?" "Fine," says the
rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!" "What about different
positions?" the man asks. "No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi, "It could lead to dancing!"

Useless Penis Facts

*Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
*Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
*Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
*Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons
*Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
*Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
*Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
*Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
*Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
*Average length when erect: 5.1
*Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
*Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
*Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
*Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
*Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
*Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
*Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
*Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
*Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
*Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
*Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
*Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
*Average # of erections during the night: 9
*Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
*The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
*Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
*Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
*Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
*Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
*Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
*Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
*Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
*Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
*# of times condoms are thicker than plastic wrap: Almost 6
*In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.
*Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.
*Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.
*Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
*Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
*Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
*It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.
*Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.

A Very Large Woman

A man with a fetish for very large women walks into
a brothel. When asked what he wants, he says 'I want
a really large woman - as big as possible.' He is
shown this enormous woman, but he shakes his head -
'nope, not fat enough. Get someone bigger than that.'
He is shown another, even more enormous woman.
'Nope, still not big enough. I tell you what - give
me the biggest woman you have!'. He is shown the
biggest woman who works in the brothel. She is
unbelievably big - 'That's more like it!'
He is taken off to a room by the woman, and presently
is on top of her going about satisfying his sexual
desires. After a few minutes of heaving and groaning,
he suddenly stops and says to the woman -

'Sorry. Do you mind if I turn the light off?' to
which the woman replies

'It's me, isn't it? I'm so big that you find me
unattractive.' to which the man replies -

'No, not at all! I think you're a very attractive
woman. It's just that the light bulb's burning my ass!
_________

Little Johnny goes over to little Billy's house and rings the bell. His mother answers and Johnny asks if Billy can come and play war in the street with his friends. Billy's mother says to Johnny "you know Billy doesn't have any arms or legs". Johnny replies "I know, but we want to use him as a sandbag".

The Dogs

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man’s dog asked the second man’s dog what he’s there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, “Well, you see… I’ve been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I’m going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, “Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn’t like it because my scent wasn’t anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said, “This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her clothes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!” The other dogs say, ” so’ that’s why they are putting you to sleep?” No says the dog, “She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!”

********

Morris and Sherry were married for five years and sex was
becoming routine and boring.

"Look," said Morris , "if you don't put some more action into
it in the sack, I'm gonna go out and get me some strange stuff."

"Listen, Romeo," said Sherry , "if you could somehow manage just a
teensy inch or two more, you'd be into some strange stuff right here!

*********

A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast, very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..." The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221!!!"

 

[melody]

Hills Of Alabama

While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, the big city man discovered
that he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence.
He went into the small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned
country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass,
quite obviously a local farm girl.
... He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"
"Well," she giggled, "I can...until I have an orgasm, then
I just go plain wild and crazy!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My wife said " Honey , go get a dozen condoms, I'm horny ....
I said "Great Darlin, I'll be right back .....
when I got back , she said "Thanks" and walked out the door.
A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth.

The mother-in-law said to her son's wife, when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look
anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...
not a freaking photocopier."

The Creation Of A Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a cunt.
=================
Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michal Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapor
in a shit house with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger
watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to preform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

Dad will never say
Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
----------------
Fathers day jokes and one liners

Dad Wisdom: Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.
Dad Wisdom: Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree!
Dad Wisdom: Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.
Dad Wisdom: Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Dad Wisdom: Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Dad Wisdom: Half the people you know are below average.
Dad Wisdom: I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.
Dad Wisdom: I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
Dad Wisdom: I finally got my head together and then my body fell apart.
Dad Wisdom: I never start something that I am not going to fi
Dad Wisdom: I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done already.
Dad Wisdom: Looking for a helping hand? There’s one on your arm.
Dad Wisdom: Love is grand. Divorce is 20 grand.
Dad Wisdom: Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Dad Wisdom: Old age comes at a bad time.
A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
You’re old when you don’t care where your wife goes, Just so you don’t have to go along.
Father’s Day brings out my paternal instincts. An hour of babysitting takes them away.
You can tell it’s almost Father’s Day. The kids suddenly want to stop at all the garage sales.
Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Ask him for advice.
Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Clean out the garage for him.
Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Tell him you love him a whole hardware-store-full.
Want to really surprise your dad on Father’s Day? Ask him to autograph a baseball.
Dad’s still say: Because I said so.
Dad’s still say: Go ask your mother.
Dad’s still say: Don’t make me stop this car!
Dad’s still say: Were you raised in a barn?
Dad’s still say: You don’t know what hardwork is.
Dad’s still say: It builds character.
Dad’s still say: Money doesn’t grow on trees.
Dad’s still say: A little bit of dirt never killed anyone.
Dad’s still say: When I was your age…
Dad’s still say: Your grounded till you’re 30!
Show your dad you really appreciate all the things he’s done. Lend him the keys to your car.
The perfect Father’s Day gift? Take Mom on vacation with you.
I know what I’m getting for Father’s Day. Last night my daughter asked me what size aftershave I wear.
My dad’s not real affectionate. The last time he hugged me I think it was called a “half-Nelson.”
Father’s Day always worries me. I’m afraid I’ll get a gift I can’t afford.
Nowadays, Father’s Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.
My son wants 50% of my Father’s Day gifts. He says, if it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be a father.
Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: I’m lost. Let’s stop & get directions.
Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO WILD!!
Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: Mom & I are going away for the weekend. Would you like to throw a party?
Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that.
Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: No. I have no idea what’s wrong with your car.
Things you’ll never hear a Dad say: You don’t need a job! I have plenty of money for you to spend.
In 1900, a father’s horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it’s the size of his minivan.

A women, gasping for her last breath on her deathbed,
whispered a confession to her husband who was by her bedside.
"Dear, before I die I must tell you something. It was I who stole
the $50,000 from your safe. I spent it on a ritzy fuckfest with
the mail boy at your office. And it was I who got your cheap whore
mistress secretary to skip town by bribing her to leave you. And
it was I who snitched you off for evasion to the IRS. Can you
find it in your heart to forgive me before I go?"
"Yes, dear," he smiled. "After all, it was I who poisoned
you."

________

The three stages of increasing gut size consist of the following:
Stage 1. You can no longer see your penis.
Stage 2. You can no longer see if your penis is erect or not.
Stage 3. You can no longer see who is giving you head.

________

Question: If you are sitting in the living room watching football on the tele and drinking a beer when all of a
sudden the wife walks into the room, what is wrong?
Answer: The chain is to long.

________

There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it

 

[melody]

Inventions by Blondes

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical Pencil sharpener

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Waterproof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

See-through toilet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do-it-yourself road map

Turnip ice cream

Toe implants

An all white flag

Rolls Royce pickup truck
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "Ididn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy."
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
Did you know... Captain Hook died from jock itch!


A little girl is taking a shower with her grandmother. She looks down between her grandmother's legs and says, "Grandma, what's that?"
"That's my beaver."
A few days later the little girl is showering with her mother. She points between her mother's legs and says, "Mommy, I know what that is. That's your beaver!"
"That's right," says the mother. "How did you know?"
"Grandma told me," says the girl, "but I think her beaver's dead -- its tongue was hanging out."


Q. What's green and melts in your mouth.
A. A leper's cock!

Q. What's blue and doesn't fit?
A. A dead epileptic.

Q. What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A. A kidney dialysis machine!

Q. What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's
shelter should do?
A. The dishes, if she's smart.

Q. How do you cook vegetables in the microwave ?
A. Take them out of their wheelchair.

Q. What's sicker than sick?
A. Masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....


A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let Have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
The patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephant's penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
The patient replies "He fingered me first".

The Princess And The Frog

Once upon a time a beautiful independent self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so". That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed to herself and thought :
"I don't fucking think so".


Yo mama so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!
Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her.
Yo mama so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo momma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo momma is like a toilet; fat, white, and smells like shit !!
Yo momma is like a bottle of ketchup, she gets turned around, banged, and then she comes out slow.
Your mother is like a doorknob.... everyone gets a turn!
Your mom is like a race car driver, she burns 50 rubbers a day.


Seventeen year old Marty came home and announced that he'd gotten laid for the first time.

Shocked, his mother slapped him and sent him to his room.

When his father got home and heard the news, he dutifully went to see his son.

Secretly pleased, he said "Well, Marty, I hope you learned something from this."

"Yes, I did, dad." Marty replied. "Next time I won't tell mom, and I'll use Vaseline.

My butt is killing me!"

The Cock And Hens

The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing!
The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.


A local Mexican family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Catholic facilities were completely full so they put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, the family went to visit grandpa.
"Pa-Pa...how do you like it here...?" asked the grandson.
"It's wonderful...! Everyone here is very courteous and respectful,"
"We all are so very happy for you. We were worried that this was not a good place for you....."
Grandpa smiled, then said, "Let me tell you something about the way they treat the residents here....
there's an old musician here -- he's 85-years old.....he hasn't played the fiddle in over 20 years and everyone still calls him 'The Maestro'....!
There's an old physician here too -- he's 90 years old. He hasn't practiced medicine for over 25 years and everybody still calls him 'Doc'......
And for me.................., I haven't had sex for over 30 years and they still call me.........
"The Fucking Mexican"

 

[melody]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man
to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

1a. Then give him a Blow Job

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage
with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three, or
four hours, max.

3b. Then ... give him a Blow Job

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. A blow job will
usually do just fine. Or, offer to cook him something
that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his
remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and
microwave again for another 35 minutes. Or, threaten to
not give him a blow job.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or
"do as I say and no one will get hurt".

7. When all else fails ... Blow Job.

OK, seven rules.

How to Piss Off A Woman

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

Sex Frogs

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.
As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: SEX FROGS! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions!

The girl excitedly looks around to see if
anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the young man behind the
counter, "I'll take one of them."
The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she
closes the door to her apartment, she grabs the instructions and reads them
very carefully. She does exactly what the instructions say:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you.
5. Allow the frog to follow its training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her dismay, nothing happens!
The girl is very disappointed and quite upset. She grabs the instructions and
rereads them and then notices at the bottom of the page, in small print, it says,
"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she calls the pet store. The same young man is still at work.
When he hears her problem, he says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The young lady welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn
thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes
and sternly says:
"Now you listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE more time..."


The preacher got up in church one Sunday morning and told the
congregation, "Brothers and sisters, we are going to have to do
something about teenagers parking behind the church at night. I was out
there this morning and there are enough beer cans out there to build a
car." One of the old sisters stood up and said, "Amen brother, and
enough rubbers to put tires on it."

Bar Jokes

A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the guy asks,
Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for?
Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.
Guy: Oh yea, what is it?
Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, you have to go down to the end of the bar and
knock that big fellow there out in one punch.
The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.
Guy: Well, I think I could take him.
Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?
Guy: Yea I see it.
Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and you got to yank it out.
The guy thinks for a little while and replies
Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that.
Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.
Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!
Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?
Guy: Yea
Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.
Guy: I’m OUTTA THIS BET!
But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens...
The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender:

Guy: Now where's the old bitch with the rotten tooth.


A guy walks into a bar in a town with no women and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?". The bartender replies, "It's not that bad when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel. So he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole. After about 5 minutes he walks back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?" The bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

A somewhat strange guy walks into a bar. The bartender notices him and watches as the man walks up to a group of men at a table and starts talking to them. The man then gets up and goes to the bartender and says..."I bet you $500 that I can piss in that shot glass on the back wall without spilling a drop." The bartender, thinking he could make himself a quick $500 takes the bet. The man then unzips his pants and starts pissing all over the bartender and the bar. He pisses on everything but the shot glass. When he is finished the bartender says,” well I guess you owe me $500." The man walks back over to the table and comes back and gives the bartender $500 the bartender then ask..."How did you get that money from them?" The man replies..."Well I just bet them $2,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you wouldn't get mad."
Tony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews. Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble. Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it. Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared. The genie said "I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said "I wish this whole lake was beer." Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said "you asshole, now we have to piss in the boat.


A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot. "Big night?" asked the barkeep. "I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!" The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!" As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth.

 

[melody]

A Pending Divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!

--------------

A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

The Nine Important Men In A Woman's Life....

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."
2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."
3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".
4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or
the back?"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll
love it!"
6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up,
fluctuate for a while, and then slowly fall back again."
7. THE BANKER: because he says,
"If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.
8. THE HUNTER: (our favorite) because he goes deep in the bush,
shoots twice, and always eats what he shoots.
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says,
"Would you like it on the table or up against the wall?

@@@

All the young men chased after Aunty Em.
For she wore a white skirt with short hem.
With a smile and a wink,
She flashed us her twink.
Like diamonds and pearls, she's a gem.


There was an old man from Gosham,
who took out his balls to wash ’em,
his wife said “Jack!,
if you don’t put ‘em back,
I’ll stand on the fuckers and squash ’em!”
=========
There was a young fellow named Paul,
who couldn’t rely on his ring-piece at all,
when he sat on the loo,
it went slightly askew,
and splattered some poo on the wall.
=========
There once was a man from Winsocket,
who rode down the street on a rocket,
the force of the blast,
blew his balls up his ass,
and his pecker was found in his pocket.
=========
A horny young sailor named Clark,
who picked up a slut in a park,
she was ugly and crude,
and a horror when nude,
but she was good for a fuck in the dark.
=========
There once was a man from Fort Myers,
who wrapped his balls up in wire,
he flicked on the switch,
and oh what a bitch,
his balls began to catch fire.
=========
There was a young girl named Sapphire,
who succumbed to her lover’s desire,
she said “It’s a sin,
but now that it’s in,
could you shove it a few inches higher?”
=========
I once knew a lass from Tacoma,
whose twat had a wondrous aroma,
when the lads took a whiff,
about half would get stiff,
the rest would fall into a coma.
=========
There was a young harlot from Kew,
who filled her vagina with glue,
she said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
they’ll pay to get out of it, too.”
=========
There was a young girl named Denise
Who’s pubes hung down to her knees
The crabs got together
To knit her a sweater
So in winter her twat wouldn’t freeze.
=========
There was an old man from Harrow,
who tried to have sex with a sparrow,
the sparrow said “No,
you can’t have a go,
as the hole in my arse is too narrow.”

 

[melody]

Condom Slogans

THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS
PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

<< COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
<< BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WACKER
<< DON'T BE SILLY... PROTECT YOUR WILLIE
<< BEFORE YOU BLAST HER, GUARD YOUR BUSHMASTER
<< DON'T BE A LONER... COVER YOUR BONER
<< WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
<< YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
<< IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WACK IT
<< IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
<< BEFORE YOU BAG HER, SHEATH YOUR DAGGER
<< IT'LL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
<< IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN THIGHS, BE SURE YOU CONDOMIZE
<< TO SAVE EMBARRASSMENT LATER, COVER YOUR 'GATOR'
<< SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU CAP YOUR DICK
<< IF YOU GO INTO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
<< WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP THAT PENIS
<< WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS N' BLOUSE, SUIT UP THAT TROUSER MOUSE
<< DON'T DO MORE THAN NECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
<< ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT-WRAP YOUR MEMBER
<< BEFO' DA VAN START ROCKIN', BE SHO' YO' COCK GOTS A STOCKIN'
<< DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
<< THE RIGHT SELECTION, SACK THAT ERECTION!
<< WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
<< A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
<< DON'T BE IN A JIFFY... COVER YOUR STIFFY
<< IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON.
<< NO GLOVE, NO LOVE.
<< NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER.

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, "Is that you, Jim?" And that cured him.
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."
________

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to." replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
________

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You are still getting the same service!"
________

"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I would be home that night, and when I got into my room, I found my wife in another man's arms. Why, Dad? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, and then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."
________

"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what is your problem?"
He replied, "I am going to be a father."
"But that is wonderful," I said.
"What is wonderful? My wife does not know about it yet."


The Lottery

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

_____

A farmer, concerned that his horse had not had experienced a bowel
movement for three days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very
large suppository.

The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the
animal's rectum. The farmer returned home, went to the barn and
systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the
designated port of entry.

Finally, unable to locate its' rectum, the farmer exclaimed:
"Listen horse, if I don't find your rectum pretty soon, I am going to
stick this thing up your ass!"
_____

Three girls are sitting on stools at a bar. The 3 of them are arguing on who is the slackest. The first one says: "My boyfriend can put his whole fist in my pussy!!!" The second one says: "Oh ya? Well my boyfriend can put his whole head in my pussy!" The two of them then look at the third one, waiting for her to reply. She then looks at them and says: "Oops! There goes the stool!!!"

My Penis Is Orange

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me.
My penis is orange."

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he
can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy,
"This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot
of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy,
"How are things going at work?"

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor
tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy
responds,
"No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours
of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours,
I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a
really great guy."

So the doc figures this isn't the reason. He asks the guy, "How's
your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight
months ago."

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys
stress.

But the guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag,
nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch!"

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires,
"Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"

The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I just sit at home,
watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos!!!"

 

[melody]

Things Not To Say During Sex...
Part 1

1.. Is it in?
2.. That's it?
3.. You've got to be kidding me.
4.. (Phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?
5.. Do I have to pay for this?
6.. Do I have to call you tomorrow?
7.. Oh momma, momma!
8.. Oh dadda, dadda!
9.. You look better in the dark.
10.. This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11.. I thought that goes in the other hole...
12.. Don't tell my husband/wife.
13.. You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14.. This sucks.
15.. Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16.. I hope you
don't expect a raise for this...
17.. I think you might get the job for
this.
18.. Damn! Is that all you know what to do.
19.. Did I tell you, I
have herpes?
20.. Now we must get married.
21.. Hurry up, the game's
about to start.
22.. I'm hungry.
23.. I'm thirsty.
24.. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25.. Are you trying to be funny?
26.. Can I have a ride home after this?
27.. Are those real?
28.. By the way, I want to break up.
29.. Is that
smell coming from you?
30.. Haven't you ever done this before?
31.. Wow!
I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32.. Do you know what
some female spiders do after sex?
33.. You're so much like your
sister...
34.. Your mom's cute.
35.. What's your name again?
36.. Do I
have to be here in the morning?
37.. A second time? I barely stayed
awake the first time!
38.. But you just started!
39.. You're about as
good as a 9 year old, and I should know!
40.. Don't touch that!
41.. Can
we order a pizza?
42.. I think my dad is listening at the door.

On The Intercom

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final
approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're
on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with
us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot. "Well,
skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

Now all ears are listening to this conversation. "Well," says the
skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then I'm
gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with
the huge boobs. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room
and put it to her all night."

Everyone on the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and
get to the cockpit to turn off the intercom. Halfway down the aisle, she
trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over
and says: "No need to run dear. He's gotta take a shit first."

________


Young Jimmy was taking confession when he told the priest
that he was having impure thoughts about his sister.

"Is this a sin, Father" he asked.

The priest nodded and said, "Yes Jimmy, indeed it is a
sin. Look at the two beautiful brothers you have."

Bubba And Earl

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to
get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a
dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and
extra long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood
bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to
which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!
How about you, how's that toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba,
"I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

=====================================================

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a
while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten
her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to
tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more
brought
her back upright. This went on all morning. Later, the family arrived
to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

DATING BY NATIONALITY

A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMAN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMAN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes
spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists
on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate
the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMAN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

POLISH WOMAN:
First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She
gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets
lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.
CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing
happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner
but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date as you have
already realized nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMAN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a
real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

LATIN WOMAN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her
drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's
boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in
the Bronx.

 

[melody]

Dr. Stooge's Purity Test

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than me?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it with a champ?
Have you done it with a vamp?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on the couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no's",
pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
score times two is your Purity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly second grader.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't shit on you.

Q: What is the difference between a prostitute and a bowling ball?
A: You can't fit a prostitute inside a bowling ball.

Q: What do women & dog turds have in common?
A: The older they are, the easier they are to pick up!

Vision Problems

A woman having vision problems went to see an eye doctor. She said "Doctor I'm having trouble with my vision can you help me?" The doctor said "have a seat and I will give you an eye test" The woman sat down and faced the wall in front of an eye chart. The doctor pointed to the last line and said "can you read this". The woman said, "Oh no doctor I can't see that." The doctor then pointed to another line and the woman again said "oh no doctor I can't see that." The doctor became frustrated and decided to move the woman closer to the eye chart. He pointed to the top line on the chart and asked the woman can you see that now?" The woman said "Doctor I still can't see that!" Then the doctor unzipped his fly, pulled out his cock and said to the woman can you see that?" The woman exclaimed, "Oh doctor I can see that perfectly!" The doctor said to the woman, "Oh that's your trouble, you're cock-eyed!"


An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up
to leave until the theater was ready to close for the night. "You folks

must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady. "It was revolting," her husband added.

"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.

"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"


Q: What's a 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period!

Q. Why is sperm donation more expensive than blood donation?
A. Because its hand made.

Q. What's the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.


Q. Why did the snowman pull down his pants?
A. Because he heard the snow blower coming


Why does a penis have a hole in the end of it?
So men can be open minded.

A husband comes home and says to his wife" we've tried 69 lets try 68"
She says, "What’s that?" He says, " you do me and I'll owe you one."


A waitress walking to a table in a restaurant sees 4 foreign businessmen, furiously jerking off. She takes their orders and before walking back she asks the businessmen: "gentlemen, may I ask you, why are you so frantically jerking off? "
The businessmen reply: "menu says: first come first served”

Things Never To Say During Sex...
Part 2

42) I think my dad is listening at the door.
43) smile for the camera, honey!!!
44) take off that damn monkey glove!!
45) get your hand out of there!!
46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48) cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49) DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
50) Fire one!
51) God, that is small!!
52) hold on, let me change the channel...
53) who smells like fish?
54) is it O.K. if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55) your best-friend does it much better.
56) hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57) hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58) you're fogging up the wind-shield.
59) can I borrow 5 bucks?
60) what the hell noise was that?!
61) stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62) shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63) you know, you're not really attractive.
64) I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65) what, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66) stop interrupting me!!
67) I have to take a shit.
68) did I leave the iron on?
69) your breath is funky.
70) (start singing Green Day) .
71) is it O.K. if I call someone, its O.K. though, keep going....
72) its OK honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73) god I wish you were a real woman.
74) why can't you ever shave your legs?
75) by the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76) oh Susan, Susan... I mean donna.... shit.
77) your breast milk is like my mom's....
78) you're hairy!!
79) your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80) is it O.K. if I never see you again?
81) did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82) don't make that face at me!
83) all of a sudden I have a headache.
84) you're boring.

No Panties

There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is
walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any panties.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and
buy yourself some panties as it is not good to walk around without any panties on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks
her mother to buy panties for her. When the mother asks where the girl got the
money from, the girl explained what happened. Upon hearing how the girl got the money,
the mother rushes to her room, whips off her panties, and puts on one of her
shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest
coming, she begins to walk up the stairs. The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the
priest very calmly. The priest then gives the lady $1 and says,
"Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"

-===(

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and
finds a stranger fucking his wife. He says, "What the hell
are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "Didn't I tell you what a
stupid shit he is."

-===(

Mrs. Speidell, who was a little on the chubby side,
was at her weight-watchers meeting . "My husband insists
I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a
woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next
to her.

"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"

"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny And Little Susie

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but
they know that they are in love. One day they decide
they want to get married, so Little Johnny goes to Susie's
father to ask him for her hand.
Little Johnny bravely walks up to him and says
"Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love
and I'm asking for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith
replies, "Well Little Johnny, you are only 10.
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Little
Johnny replies. "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to
get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Little Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...
Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Little
Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks
for a moment trying to come up with something that Little Johnny
won't have an answer to. After a second,
Mr. Smith says, "Well Little Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.
What will you do if the two of you should have little ones
of your own?"
Little Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says
"That's okay, I'll just keep fucking her up the ass for now..."


Little Johnny comes home from school one day and asks his mother what "shit" meant.
Thinking fast she replied "food on the table".
Next day he comes home and asks his mother what does "son of a bitch" mean.
Again, thinking fast again she says "It's a priest".
Next day he comes home a asks what does "fuckin'" mean. She says it means "getting dressed".
That same night a priest was coming over for dinner. Johnny is just finished setting the table when he hears the doorbell ring.
He yells "got it". He opens the door and says "Hey son of a bitch, shits on the table and mom and dad are upstairs fuckin'".

Laws Of Reality

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become Coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll To the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, You never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late For work because you had a flat tire, the very next Morning you will have a flat tire on the way to work.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), The one you were in will start to move faster than the One you are in then.

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in Water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting Someone you know increases when you are with someone
You don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone That a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is Inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are Furthest from the aisle arrive last

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot Coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which Will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people In a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an Open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a Floor covering are directly correlated to the newness And cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you Are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you Don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Things Never To Say During Sex...
(Part 3)

85) I like your tits.
86) suck my dick, bitch.
87) how much do I owe you?
88) How come we each have a penis?
89) of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90) your ass is hairy (the guy says this) .
91) just use your finger, its bigger.
92) does your family have to watch?
93) we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94) get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95) can you hold this sandwich for me?
96) you're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97) the only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98) my mom taught me this.....
99) how cute... peach fuzz!
100) Damn girl! my tits are bigger than your's!
101) should I ask why you're bleeding?
102) this is my pet rat, Larry....
103) if you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105) I was once a woman...
106) wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107) no I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108) is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110) you wanted me to use a condom?
111) you're no better than my brother!!
112) mooooo!!
113) Fire in the hole!!!
114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115) hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116) O.K. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!
117) you ever see basic instinct?
118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119) don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121) you got boogies showing.
122) (start reciting the 10 commandments) .
123) I think I just shit on your bed.
124) of course I don't love you.
125) let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-I-n-t.


Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has
Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his
mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I
have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very
hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.
Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between
Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it
looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."


A bloke was complaining to his mate a few days after scoring a new
woman.
"Mate," he said, "This new lady of mine is really weird. All she wants
me to do is fuck her in the ear."
"That is weird," his mate replied.
"Yeah," the bloke continued. "Every time I go to stick my dick in her
mouth, she turns her head!"


A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a woman
about to breast feed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse, rolled out a
very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?" the lad asked.
"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.
"Get the fuck outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way he'll eat
all of that!"

 

[melody]

Light bulb

One day the teacher asked the children in class to give examples
of what was not good to put in one`s mouth.
little johnny says
"It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth."
The teacher says "that is correct, but why?" little
johnny answers "I don`t know,
but my mom always tells my dad
"turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!"


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."


BillyBob and Rusty are walkin' through the drug store. Rusty
turns to BillyBob and asks, "What's the difference between an
oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
BillyBob replied, "I think it's the taste!"


A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it.
"Hello," a deep voice on the other end says, "I know you, you'd like me
to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body
all over and make rough love to you." The old lady looks at the phone
blushing and in amazement and replies, "You can tell all this from a
single 'Hello?'"

Missed Her Period!

A fourteen-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that
she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a
pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is
pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that
did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and
distinguished man, with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a
very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits
in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family
situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will
bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of
factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a
factory and $500,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time,
places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:

"You'll fuck her again!!!"


Thorn is getting tested for AIDS... the nurse comes back with a stern
look...
she sits down and takes Thorns hand... "Sir, I am really sorry, but you
tested positive. You need treatment."

Thorn gets up and yells "Damnit! That bitch! You can't trust anybody any

more. My own fucking daughter!"

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing.

After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer.

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have some beer too?"

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.

"No."

"Well, then you're not big enough."

Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies.

His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick, so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies."
______

A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.

The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."
______

Thought of the Day:

Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain,
and that's where you get shitty ideas from.

EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with
his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your
throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a
Craftsman
(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.

~* *~»§«~*~»

Three guys went to a night club one night.
The first guy went in and a dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it
off. He went back outside really happy. The next guy went in and sure
enough the dancer put a doughnut on his dick and ate it off and he went
outside really happy.
The third guy went in and came out really sad. The other two guys asked
him what happened and Wolfy replied,
"They put a cheerio on mine!"

Three Old Ladies

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home,
reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers,
and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness
of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she
could buy for a penny a piece.

Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're
saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about"
_________

What happens when you fall in love with:
A chef? (You get buttered up.)
A chauffeur? (You get taken for a ride.)
A gambler? (He cheats on you.)
A telephone operator? (He gives you a phone-y line.)
... A trash man? (He dumps you.)
A clockmaker? (He two-times you.)
A pastry cook? (He desserts you.)
A shoe salesman? (He walks all over you.)
An elevator operator? (He lets you down.)
An artist? (He gives you the brush.)
A jogger? (He gives you the run-around.)