JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Bubba

A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down
and hires a neighborhood kid named Bubba to do the job for him.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba
comes in after having mowed the lawn and proceeds to pee in the
toilet.
Curiosity got the better of the husband and he just had to look.
Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!
The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how
did your dick get that big? I couldn't help but notice..."
Bubba laughed and said,
"It's simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the
bedpost three times."
The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and
could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed
that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three
times.
He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his
wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said,
"Is that you, Bubba?"


A priest was out walking his parish when he noticed a small boy sitting on the stoop, crushing a flow of ants with his foot. As he ground the ants into the pavement, he kept yelling, "These goddam ants! These goddam ants!"
The priest went over to him and chided, "Little boy, God never put anything on Earth without a purpose."
"Sure He did," said the boy.
"And what would those be, my son?"
"Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these goddam ants!"


Q: What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A: The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

Denise's Grandma

Denise was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a hotel, and Denise was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Denise's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Denise told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age?
How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry."

The policeman fainted.


A guy is in the pub toilet having a p*ss when the door opens. In walks a very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants, revealing a monster prick.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere. Next, the muscular man growls louder, and slams it into one of the stalls, making the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy having a p*ss.
"Hey, mate, do you see this very large, very strong cock?" he asks.
"Yes, " replies the guy taking a leak.
"Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?"
"No, I’m afraid I don’t, "
"I’m going to shove it up your @rse !"
"Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!"

{}{}{}{}

We lay upon the grassy bank,
my hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt
and her leg fell in the river.

A SOLDIER'S LETTER

A SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW IT
TO HIS FRIENDS, BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHE
WROTE:

M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT.

O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.

T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES WE HAVE.

H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.

E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.

R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE HAD.


THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.
HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:

F- IS FOR THE FUCKED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.

A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.

T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR IN.

H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.

E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.

R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE WE NEVER HAD.


AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER
THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:

B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.

A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.

B- IS FOR THE BASTARD HE OR SHE WILL BE.

Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."


SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER SO SHE
WROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:

B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.
E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.

S- IS FOR THE GOOD PUSSY YOU SUCKED.

T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.

F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.

R- IS THE RASH ON YOUR ASS.

I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.

E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.

N- IS FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.

D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.

AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS FUCKIN' WHILE YOU WERE AWAY.


A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?"
"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.


September 1
I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

September 2
Oh, when I was a kid, everyone thought I got plenty of girls. I used to go to a drive-in movie and do push-ups in the backseat of my car.

September 3
I was making love to one girl, I told her, "You're so flat-chested." She said, "Get off my back."

September 4
I said to one girl, "Come on, honey, I'll show you where it's at." She said, "You better, 'cause the last time I couldn't find it."

September 5
Oh, when I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler with me. Yeah, just in case I have to prove something.

September 6
Oh, when I was a kid, when my parents went shopping, they always took me with them - that way they could park in a handicapped section.

September 7
What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

September 8
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

September 9
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.

September 10
Oh, this girl was fat, when she walks backward, she starts beeping. I mean, fat. She asked me why my eyes were bulging, I told her, "You're standing on my foot!"

September 11
A lot of girls turn me down. One girl turned me down, she said she had to go to work in the morning. I told her, "I'll be finished by then!"

September 12
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

September 13
I'm getting old. I got no sex life. I get tired just holding up the magazine. At my age, I like to get sex over quickly. Then I can get to the nap.

September 14
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

September 15
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

September 16
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

September 17
Oh, my wife loves vacations. The other night she told me, "I wanna go someplace I've never been before." I took her to a men's room.

September 18
With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

September 19
I'm trying a new diet now. The diet is Viagra and prune juice. I tell ya, I don't know if I'm coming or going.

September 20
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...

September 21
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

September 22
Oh, when I was a kid I was poor. We were so poor, when my father died; they asked my mother, "Paper or plastic?"

September 23
Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it."


September 24
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right!

September 25
I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

September 26
I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

September 27
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

September 28
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

September 29
I tell ya, with me, sleep is important. Well, last night I went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I started to count sheep - I got horny!

September 30
When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I get.

 

[melody]

As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book.It's called "Ministers Do More
Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and
be Mary.

3. As we slide down the banister of life, may the
splinters never point the wrong way.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash
and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat
folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really
chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash
out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole
house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending
machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic
might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me
all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went
to see how he was and found him
writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies
could be treated, and he
didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What
Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for
enjoying sex.

A Midget With A Speech Impediment

A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

He shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

A girl was telling her date about her old boyfriend, and while
doing so was stroking her beer bottle up and down many times.

Finally her date has had enough and says, "You're always thinking
about him. Why don't you think about me once in a while?"...

"OK!" she says and starts stroking the top two inches of her bottle.


Before And After Marriage

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I'm suffocating.

Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.

Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.

Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.

Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night Football.

Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done...

Before - Don't Stop.
After - Don't Start.

Before - The Sound of Music.
After - The Sound of Silence.

Before - Is that all you are eating?
After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.

Before - Wheel of Fortune.
After - Jeopardy.

Before - It's like living a dream.
After - It's a nightmare.

Before - $60/dozen.
After - $1.50/stem.

Before - Turbo charged.
After - Needs a jump-start.

Before - We agree on everything!
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria's Secret.
After - Fruit of the Loom.

Before - Feathers & handcuffs.
After - Ball and chain.

Before - Idol.
After - Idle.

Before - He's lost without me.
After - Why can't he ask for directions?

Before - When together, time stands still.
After - This relationship is going nowhere.

Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
After - Bagels and instant coffee.

Before - Oysters.
After - Fish sticks.

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you?

They Walk Among us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk ...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount ....
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too!
====================
*They walk among us, AND reproduce!*

 

[melody]

A Farmer And His Wife

The farmer's wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what
she saw in there. Instead of milking their cow, her husband was
standing with his trousers down at the rear quarter of the bovine and
humping away at it like a mink.

Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting
thing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the
community that you were having sex with the cow!"

The farmer, meanwhile, had finished up his task and was slowly
pulling his trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmly
replied, "Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow and
I'll tell everyone that it's because the cow is better than you!"

-----

When Tom's wife came home Sunday afternoon to find the kitchen and
living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and Tom
on
the couch having done nothing but drink beer and watch football all
day,
she yelled, "Watch yourself, mister, or you're going to make me do
something I don't want to do!"

"Wow," Tom thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a blowjob out of
this!"*

Garden Gnome

A customer walks into a lawn ornament shop and tells the shopkeeper
he's looking for a garden gnome of a fairly large size.

"Sure, take your time," replies the shopkeeper, amiably, "I got
them in all sizes."

The customer looks around and then says, "How much for that ugly
one with the fat ass?"

The shopkeeper: "My wife is not for sale

=======

Q. What's the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A. One goes "ribbit" the other goes "rub it".'

What's the difference between a woman and a volcano?
A volcano never fakes an eruption.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

What's the difference between a young woman and an old woman?
A young one uses Vaseline; an old one uses Poli-Grip.

What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?
An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

=======

A teacher is reading her class the story of Chicken Little, and
says, "Chicken Little ran up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling!
The sky is falling!'" She looks at the class and says, "What do you
think the farmer said to that?"
"I know!" says Rotten Willie. "I'll bet he said, 'Holy fucking
shit! A talking chicken!'"

=======

A young married couple go to a sex therapist, and the bride
promptly complains, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation!"
"Is this true?" the therapist calmly asks.
"Well, not exactly. I don't suffer. She does."

Someone Under My Bed

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM.
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!’

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER.
__________

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a
week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great
time. After they returned home and the men went back to
work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again!
Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers,
'7 come 11' all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played
blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed
all night and hollers, 'Hit me light or hit me hard!' and
I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife
played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up
each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

Third Graders

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

________

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.
He
replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it
out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his
underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor
says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

 

[melody]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and the giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... “Lion my friend, why do you do this?” Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!” The lion answers, “That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”

Q: What power do you have with two little green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit the frog's undivided attention!!
An elephant asked a camel, "why you have your breast on your back?”
The camel replied, "what a silly question coming from someone who got his dick on his face."

Q. How many animals can you fit in a pair of pantyhose?
A 15, (10) little pigs, (2) calves, an ass, a beaver, and a fish nobody can find

Q: What did the horny toad say to the frog?
A: Rub it; Rub it!

Q: What did the Doe say when she came out behind the brush??
A: That's the last time I do that for two Bucks!!


A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"

"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers.

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"

The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

A zookeeper And His Gorilla

A man, having some time to kill, visited the local zoo.

He was fascinated by a Gorilla cage that had a sign reading, 'This is the smartest Gorilla in captivity. He is a perfect mimic. Anything you can do, he can do'

Always one to accept a challenge, the man scratched the top of his head. The Gorilla did the same, exactly.

The man tickled his ribs. Gorilla followed suit.

The man then placed a finger under his eye and dragged it a little downward. The Gorilla went nuts. He bent the bars of the cage, dragged the man inside and beat him nearly to death. The keeper spotted it in time and pulled the man out and sent him to the hospital.

The zoo administrator visited the man and asked what he had done to the Gorilla. The man was outraged and explained that he did not do anything to the Gorilla, just followed the sign.

After describing all his actions, the zookeeper said that the action of dragging down the eye was, in Gorilla sign language, a grievous insult (it was the same as 'screw you!'), so the Gorilla reacted naturally.

The man was not happy with this and, for the 3 months he was in the hospital, he plotted a way to get revenge...

He got out and purchased a straight razor and large salami.

Hiding these, he went to the gorilla's cage and repeated the first 2 actions he had used before (scratched head, tickled ribs) and the gorilla, as before, copied them perfectly.

The man then stuck the salami between his legs and sliced it in half with the razor...

The Gorilla placed a finger below his eye and dragged it down.

NNNNN

What do you get if you cross an armadillo with a vibrator?
An armadildo!
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"
There are two fleas on a woman's pussy. One is smoking dope, what is the other doing?
Sniffing crack!

Dear Abby At A Total Loss

The following are actual letters (hmmm maybe not) that Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby)
admitted she was at a total loss to answer:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties.
These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man
go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my
VCR?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is even his.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised
in a good Christian home turn against his own?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $75 an hour
every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift?
I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't, and he did it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. Do you think she is going
through her mental pause?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years
ago and he IS a doctor. What now ?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I'd like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he'd like?
____Carol
Dear Carol,
Never mind what he'd like. Give him a tie.

Aging...

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst
age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to
pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on
a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every
morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."


One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba
gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the
guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went down 25 feet
more, and minutes later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set,
and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written,
and wrote, ..."I'm drowning, you fucking moron...!"

 

[melody]

Little Brother Or Little Sister

A little boy wakes up one night and walks into his parent’s bedroom
while they're making love;
the mother rises up in surprise and says "Oh honey you go back to bed now."
And the little boy says "but I want to sleep with you tonight."
The mother says,
"No honey not tonight, you know that little brother or little sister you've always wanted?"
The little boy say's "Yeah"
The mother replies "well your daddy and I are making that for you
and it'll be here in about 9 months, so you go back to bed now."
The little boys say, "Oh Boy, O.K. I'll go back to bed.

So the next day the father pulls up into the driveway
and sees the little boy sitting on the front porch just balling his eyes out.
The father jumps out of the car and runs over to the little boy and asks,
"What in the world is the matter son?"
The little boy replies with sniffles and tears streaming down his face
"Daddy you know that little brother or sister
you and mommy were making for me last night?'
The father replies "Yes son"
The son screams "Well The Milkman Came and Ate It Up This Morning!!!"
_______

A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms
when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the
chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the
same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get useed to it, the same way I did.

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why ???
OH, come on…. take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You’re going to love this !!!
Everyone knows…
You can’t kill Two Birds
with OneStone!!!
_______

A hot girl walks into the "women doctors" office and sits down. The doctor knocks lightly and then comes in. He sees that the woman is extremely hot. He walks up and wastes no time, he slides his hands up her shirt and starts caressing her boobs and says, "do you know what I’m doing. " she says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?" he says, "yeah, o yeah." After that he starts taking off the woman’s pants and starts massaging her thighs and says, "do you know what I’m doing now?" she thinks and says "yes! You are feeling for cancer right?" he says a yeah that’s it, feeling for cancer. After that he pulls off his pants gets on top of her and says "do you know what I’m doing now?" she says "O DOC yes I do your getting genital warts and that’s why I came here!!!!!!!!!!!

Sex Pill

Doctor, you've gotta help me... my wife Sharon just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, Charlie, I can't prescribe..."

"Doctor, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.

"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, but the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give Sharon more than
ONE, understand?... JUST one."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Charlie expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where Sharon has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, Sharon goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Charlie , in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Sharon's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The Doc did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: Charlie drops one pill into his own coffee.

Sharon returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our Charlie with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, Sharon shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice Charlie has never heard Sharon use before, she says, "I... need... a man..!!!"

Charlie eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..!!!.

Little Johnny

The third-grade teacher was teaching
English and repeated for her class:
"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

She explained this was an example of
poetry, but could be changed to prose
by changing the last line from "the
lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb
went with her."

A few days later, she asked for an
example of poetry or prose. Johnny
raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
An scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

He stopped, turned to the teacher, and
asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

______

A teacher puts a photograph of a tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat.

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur, Miss?"

The teacher replies, "Not quite right, Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson, Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying, "Me, Miss!" "Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher's picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin, Miss?"

The teacher replies... "Not quite right either, Peter... Anyone else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say, it would have to be bolted on!"

 

[melody]

One Liners

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michael Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapor in a shit house with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to perform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

=====

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma what's that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didn't say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy what's that?" She replied, "Well Johnny that's my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"

Thoughts On Aging

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE FROM THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF KALIFORNIA

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none of them are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking place can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11.Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really is George
Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember....is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station "Storm Watch"
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather related accidents.
17. Hey!!!!! is pot illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal
trainers, and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20 If you drive illegally, they take your driver's licence. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.


During a quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and walked up to him, as he grabbed the doorknob.
"Didn't you hear what I said?" asked Michael. "I don't want you to try and stop me!"

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "I'm going with you!"

Colonoscopy's

Colonoscopy's are no joke, but these comments during this exam were
quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
Colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all . . .
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"
________________________________

There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.

There once was a priest from Bings,
whose mind was on heavenly things.
But his earthly desire
was a boy on the choir
whose ass shook like jello on springs.

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
________________________________

Q: How do you change a Fox into an Elephant?
A: You marry her.

Q: How do you turn a Stallion into a pig?
A: You marry him.

 

[melody]

A Farmer And His Attorney

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and
doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued,
"who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to
pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his
testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next
to him, "You know, a good goat will do that

~~~~~

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess
what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Mom is understandably
confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a
peanut?" "No silly, it's salty!"

~~~~~

Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something,
and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets,
and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits,
and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last
week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',
I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

Nasty Q's & A's

1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.

2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
Answer: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors

4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust

5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing (OMG!)

7. What do you get when you cross a Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey

9. What's the definition of a tongue-twister?
Answer: A spiral pussy!

10. Why do tampons have strings?
Answer: So that you can floss after you eat!

11. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
Answer: Nobody eats parsley!

12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Answer: A blow job with handle bars

13. Why do women have two holes.
Answer: So that when they are drunk, you can carry them like a six pack!

14 What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
Answer: All you can eat.... under a buck.

15. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

16. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
Answer: cherry float.

17. What did the after hours sign on the whorehouse door say?
Answer: Beat It - we're closed.

18. Why do bull walruses go to Tupperware parties?
Answer: To find a tight seal.

19. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Answer. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

20. Why don't they let women swim in the ocean anymore?
Answer: They can't get the smell out of the fish!

21. What's the speed limit of sex?
Answer. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

22. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Answer. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

23. Why is air a lot like sex?
Answer. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

24. What's another name for pickled bread?
Answer. Dill-dough

25. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
Answer. He heard the snow blower coming.

26. When do Monica Lewinsky's cheeks get puffy?
Answer: When she's withholding evidence

27. What's the difference between a bowling ball and a pussy?
Answer: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

28. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Answer. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

29. Why is sex like a bridge game?
Answer. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

30. Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
Answer: He could read lips!

31. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Answer. Because it scares the hell out of the dog

Aol Obsession

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally
takes matter into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom,
takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts
herself between her husband and his monitor.
She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.
He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" -"Super Sex"
"Super Sex"!!!!
Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."

@@@@@

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!

@@@@@

A biker and his new bride show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon
suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

How To Give A Blow Job
(And Blow His Mind)

Blowjobs aren't just for men's pleasure. That's right, many women say the feeling of control it gives them combined with the oral stimulation is a turn-on in its own right.. Read on for tips and techniques to make a blowjob an ultimately satisfying experience for all involved.

The Anatomy
Know what you're getting into:
Glans: The head of the penis
Frenulum: The underside of the glans; ** the most sensitive part **
Shaft: The length of the penis
Perineum: The area between the anus and the testicles
Testicles: Where sperm is made and stored for ejaculation.

Basic Up & Down
Position yourself comfortably:
Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breathe lightly, whisper, tickle.
Switch to sucking. Create a vacuum by pursing your lips, then using them to surround his penis.
Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck.
Use your saliva as a lubricant.
Stroke with your hands while sucking.
Twist your hand as you move up and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation.

Beyond Sucking
Licking & nibbling is quite stimulating:
Run your tongue around the glans, then focus on the frenulum.
Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking.
Lick the bottom of the shaft while using your hand to fondle the glans, and vice versa.

All-Around Focus
There's more to the penis than meets the eye:
Take his balls gently into your mouth and suck.
Run your tongue along his perineum.
Lick his anus and see if he likes it.
Rub his balls gently as you suck the shaft.

Spit or Swallow
It's your decision:
Some like to take come into their mouth, some like to watch it shoot. Both can be very sexy.
If you choose to take it in your mouth, you can swallow or keep a cloth or napkin nearby to spit into.
Know your partner and make good choices. Swallowing during oral sex on an HIV-infected man has been known transmit the virus.

10 Advanced Tips

1. Take a deep breath before you take his penis into your mouth to relax your throat muscles. This is to prevent gagging if you think his penis is going to touch the back of your throat.
2. Use your hand around the base of his penis to control how deep he goes into your mouth.
3. Try swallowing when his penis reaches the back of your throat. It kind of tickles.
4. You can start a blowjob when your partner's penis is flaccid and stimulate him to erection.
5. Pubic hairs in your mouth are normal. Just stop for a minute to take them out & then keep going.
6. Use a finger in your partner's anus to massage his prostate.
7. Pop an ice cube in your mouth or a mint for extra stimulation.
8. Run your hands over his inner thighs as your mouth moves on his shaft.
9. Keep your teeth away from his penis, or very, very lightly rub them against him while sucking.
10. Not all men come during oral sex. Don't worry if he doesn't - his orgasm is his responsibility, not yours.

 

[melody]

Truisms

Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

Chess players mate better.

Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

Prostitution is a hole sale business.

A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome.

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a
while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does
milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them!!

You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!

Forgive your enemies but remember their names

Wife's Gifts

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary.

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her
Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like
the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

%%%%%

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained
And decides to use the big toilet like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little
Penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down,
And little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping
Round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained
Face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
His mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Repairs

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which
he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does
it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get
fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Pilsner

A woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop her up in the alley.
The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley.
The third day the same woman walks in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner, make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical.
"What's wrong?" her mum, (another blonde) asked.
"My boyfriend's just dropped me!" wailed the blonde.
Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees.
"No mum," the blonde interrupted. "You don't understand - I can fuck and suck
with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day.
So, the doctor finally decided to see what this man was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

 

[melody]

Gentleman Quiz

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

Roses And Violets

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter

Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so bad in bed
That I fucked your Alsation

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap

Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Gimmie a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

Not The Best Pick-Up Lines

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- Who can blame Woody Allen?
- After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.

~~~~~

He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and
said, "My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my
husband, you know there's no one but you."

City Boy

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The
farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep
into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the
boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and
described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a
hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. "Oh, shit!" said the
farmer. "You've shot the wife!"


A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?" Paw says, "Since you are a
big boy I will show you." Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!" Paw
then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread
your legs. "Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims,
"What is going on? "Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex? "Jethro replies, "See that little hole
on Paw? Now watch this!"


One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since
the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the
nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's
looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next
morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets
dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices
the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and
says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man,
what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

 

[melody]

Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually
Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and
my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the
sores,
they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust
either
of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my
armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Doc Rourke

Doc Rourke rented an apartment in New York, and went to the lobby
to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive
young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a
robe.
Doc smiled at the young girl and she struck up a conversation with
him. As they talked, her robe slipped open. It was quite obvious
that she had nothing on under the robe. Poor Doc broke into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her
hand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming..."
They proceeded into the apartment, and after she closed the door,
she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.She
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Doc stammered, cleared his throat
several times, and finally squeaked out, "Oh, it's got to be your
ears!"
She was astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are
full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't
sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!
Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my
body?"
Clearing his throat once again, Doc stammered - "Outside when you
said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

'''''

Q: What do you call a woman with a toothpick through her clit?
A: Olive.

Q: What did the male vampire say to his female teacher?
A: "See you next period."

Q: Why can't girls wear miniskirts in the winter?
A: Chapped lips.

Q: Did you hear about the one-legged girl who got raped?
A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass.

Q: How can you tell if a leper has been using your shower?
A: Your bar of soap has gotten bigger.

Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball?
A: He kept his eye on the ball.

Q: What does a woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: When you're finished with the thigh and breast, you've still got a
greasy box to stick your bone in.

Q: What are the three reasons a beastist prefers sheep over people?
1. They never have a headache.
2. They are always in the mood.
3. When you finish fucking them, you can eat them.

Bad News

A gay guy is in the doctor's office: Doctor: I'm afraid I have bad news. You have an advanced case of AIDS. Gay Guy: Oh, doctor, doctor, what am I going to DO? Doctor: Well, I'd say go to Mexico. Drink as much of water as you can. Not that bottled water - I'm talking about real Mexican tap water. Then, eat as much of the local food as you can. Make sure you eat plenty of beans, cabbage and lots and lots of fruit. Buy hot dogs, tacos and burritos from street vendors, too. Gay Guy: Doctor, will that cure me? Doctor: Nope, but it will teach you what your asshole is for!

~~~~~

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects though." "What's that?" the doctor asks anxiously "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

~~~~~

MEN!!!
To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age...
At age 4, success is not peeing in his pants
At age 16, success is "getting' a little"
At age 50, success is about career and family
At age 65, success is "getting' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in his pants

~~~~~

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."

 

[melody]

The Devil In Hell

Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door. He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door. Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot. In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven. He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven. Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"

=======

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman

There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other
day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I
was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."
________

A woman goes to see her Dr, and her Dr says what can I do for you today? and she says well I have three vaginas, oh the Dr said looking up in surprise can you lift your skirt and let me have a look, ok she said lifting her skirt, after about 10 mins of examination she say's well doc what can you do for me, well he says I can put a plaster on the vagina on the outside of your left leg and I can do the same with the right leg, leaving just the normal vagina exposed, mmmmmm she said and that will help me? no the Dr said, but it will stop you getting fucked left right and center.
________

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."

Bear Hunting

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

~~~~~~~

A gal who was putting on airs
Kept attracting a great many stares.
It seems that her dress
Under strain and duress
Had split on her way down the stairs.

While her garb suffered decomposition,
She appeared not to know her condition.
She assumed that those glances
Were ill-bred advances
Not gapes at her clothing's attrition.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been screwin' her sheep.

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

©--------------------©©--------------------©

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

©--------------------©©--------------------©

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

 

[melody]

5 Questions Most Feared By Men:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells
the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed
below, along with possible responses.
____________________________________________________

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you."
_______________________________________________

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
____________________________________________________

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________________________________________

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________________________________________

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette
and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up.
Questions usually along these lines

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: ---- silence -----
MAN: Shit.

Things A Guy Doesn't Want To Hear On A Blind Date:

*I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.
*Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
*Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
*That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
*Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
*This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
*Turn here! That looks like my husband's car ahead.
**You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.
*I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
*Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my diaper.
I'm twelve!!


Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says, “Would you like to see my new puppy?”
The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.”
=====

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."
=====
Michael Jackson pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding
a bag full of sweets, he says: "Hey kid, if I give you a piece
of candy, will you come in my car?"
"Heck Michael, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
=====
Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little
boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.”
“Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me
smash your old useless dick with a hammer.”

Kenny, Stinko Drunk

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!


An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,
likes to jack off the young men she loves,
she will use her bare fist,
if the fellows insist,
but she really prefers to wear gloves.

Bill And Harry

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

======

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards,the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

================

My missus, back when we were young,
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung;
When asked how it ripped,
She replied as she stripped,
"Doc, that fella I just married is hung!"

 

[melody]

Hoohoo

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him,she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep. I don't know
what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring


A BIG CAT can hurt you, but a LITTLE PUSSY never hurt any man.

What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.


I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.



Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?"

The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning."

"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?"

"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."



Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together!

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

Murphy's Laws On Sex

*The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
her with no hard feelings.

*Nothing improves with age.

*No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.

*Sex has no calories.

*Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.

*There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

*Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

*No sex with anyone in the same office.

*Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.

*Virginity can be cured.

*Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

*The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.

*Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

*It is always the wrong time of month.

*When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

*Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.

*Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.

*The younger the better.

*Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

*Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

*Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

*If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

*Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

*Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.

*You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

*Thou shall not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

*A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he
couldn't.

*What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

*A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

*Love comes in spurts.

*Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant.

*Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

*Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse
to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

ttttt

A middle aged husband and wife were having
sex in the missionary position. Fifteen minutes went
by. Thirty. Forty-five.
Finally, the wife blurted out, "What's the matter,
honey, can't you fantasize about someone else, either?"

ttttt

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you can eat that stuff, you'll eat
anything.

ttttt

Door bell rings. The man from next door says he needs help. His wife is having a seizure. Next door on the floor the wife is naked and thrashing about wildly. The man says help me hold her down. Once the wife's limbs are pinned the man rips off his clothes. "When I climb on let her loose!"

ttttt

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."
The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

©--------------------©©--------------------©

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

©--------------------©©--------------------©

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

 

[kUmUcHaI 11/1]

Always nice. Keep it up.

 

[melody]

50 Dumb Uses For Used Condoms...

1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

House Of Ill Repute

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."
_______

There once was a lady from France,
Who took a long train ride by chance,
The engineer fucked her, Before the Conductor,
Whilst the fireman came in his pants.

Young Tim

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

========

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.
Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs
away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this
time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr.

Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the surprised wolf jumps up
and runs away.
About 2 miles down the path, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,

this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have

Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf
jumps up and screams... ....."Will you get lost?! I'm just trying to
take a shit!"


There was a young lad that was graduating from high school.
He couldn't get a date for the prom. His parents
suggested that he could take his sister.
She agreed to attend the prom with her brother. After the the evening
ended they headed home in dad's new SUV.
As they were driving he looked at his sister and said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road"
She replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" After they parked, he said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you"
Again she replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" So he gave her a
big tongue kiss! Wow, "Damn if you weren't my sister
I'd like to fuck you" Again she replied "Pretend I'm not your sister"
As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together.
When they finished she remarked
"Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's" to which he replied "
Yep, that's what mom tells me!"

Elderly People

There were these two elderly people living
In a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower
And she a widow. They had known one another for
A number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the
Big activity center. These two were at the same
Table, across from one another. As the meal went
On, he made a few admiring glances at her and
Finally gathered up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful
Consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges,
They went to their respective places. Next morning,
He was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
Recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well
As he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes'
Or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes
I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
Because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who went to the beach to have fun?
A: She was told to leave after the lifeguard caught her going down
for the third time.
Q: What do blondes call it when you pull off their pantyhose?
A: Foreplay.
Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a blonde?
A: Meeting a guy with herpes and a big dick.
Q: What do blonde's like so much about tilt steering wheels in cars?
A: More head room.