JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

DATING DON'TS FOR GUYS

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things
NOT to say on a date...

"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"

"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to
be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I
date just won't be as smart as I am."

"Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear
hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could
run that fast."

;-): ~) ;-): ~): -)

Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf of
bread.

Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread
in one hand and the other hand is in his pants pocket.

Along come Father Guido and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to teach something from the bible to Little Johnny."

He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see, Little Johnny, that you
have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."

My Best Friend

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender
pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the
problem?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in
bed with my best friend."

'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"

"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her
stuff, and get the hell out."

"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best
friend?"

"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, 'Bad dog!"

_______

Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands
when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10",
120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no
tan lines!!!

The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly,
and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like
her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"

Watch The Builders

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was
pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across
the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will
learn something."

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his
mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied -
"Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of
a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker
down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side
and put the mother fucker back up."

Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to
ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told
him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and
get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked, Dad. That's
the electrician's job."

~~~~~

For months the loving newlywed had asked his bride to give
him oral sex, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never
worked, for the blushing bride was simply too innocent and
inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let alone
attempt it.

But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and one
night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.
When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes and asked,
"How was I, sweetheart?"

He looked back at her and said, "How the hell should I know?
- I'm not a cocksucker!"

Bath Towel

A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. 'Who was th at?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?'

()()()()()

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bag

Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. He says "I would shoot her
below the left nipple" Bloke says "I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!"

Whats the difference between PMS and CJD ??
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.

What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??
You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"
"Aww did you ?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"

Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"
"No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !

Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neighbors were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"

This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!.............Jammy cunt.

A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"

 

[melody]

A Blonde Moment

A blonde was shopping at K-Mart and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it over to
the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos....it keeps hot things hot and
cold things cold."

"Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss, who was also blonde, saw it on her desk. "What's that?" she
asked.

"Why, that's a thermos... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold," she replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," said the boss, "what do you have in it?"

"Two popsicles and some coffee."

========

Yo' momma's so fat, she fell out of bed one night and
rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up.

Yo' momma's so fat, she goes to the beach and sells shade.

Yo' momma's so fat she went to a restaurant, looked at
the menu, and just said "OK."

========
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business!"

Batteries

A young lady goes to a store and says to the salesman,

"I need some batteries for my vibrator."

He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."

She says,

"If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."
_______

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.

She puts them on together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs enough times that her husband finally asks

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s" she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God. I thought you were sitting on the cat."
Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."
A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."
Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."
The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."
So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!

Bad/Good To Worse

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
-Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
-Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
-Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
-Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
-Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
-Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
-Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
-Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.
-Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
-Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
-Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
-Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
-Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
-Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
-Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
-Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
-Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
-Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
-Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
-Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

 

[melody]

Potpourri

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home ok!

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the
pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must have been the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the Second Coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one..."

A friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore
head and less money than you thought you had.

I said, "Could be worse, you could have a sore ass and MORE money
than you thought you had."

Mary: I ran into my ex last night.
Jill: What happened?
Mary: Nothing much.. I put it into reverse and hit him again!


Your Mama's teeth are so yellow that when she smiles cars slow down

 

[melody]

Signs Found In The Kitchen

*So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
*Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
*I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
*If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
*I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!
*A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
*My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
*I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
*If you don't like my standards of cooking ... lower your standards.
*Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse.
*It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
*A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
*A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
*Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
*Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
*Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
*My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
*I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
*Mother does not live here any more, clean up your own mess.
*Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
=====

Sex Pills

There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife.

He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said "Take one pill for a great night." The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night so he downed the whole bottle.

In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying.

"What's wrong?" they said. The boy replied, "Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my butt hurts and dad's in the basement yelling 'here kitty"


Bad Day

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided
to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in
order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of
a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at
noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates
of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me
how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor
apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked.
She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him.
My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out
onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging
off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well,
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until
he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed
in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't
die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to
throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted
stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was
so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said,
"Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your
day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going
to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor
apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot
of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my
stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and
accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of
his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at
the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.
As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move,
and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls
the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes
his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks
to himself.

"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The
angel says, "Please tell me how you died."

The third man says,"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding
inside a refrigerator...."

 

[melody]

X-Rated Bumper Stickers

-Constipated people don't give a sh*t.

-Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

-If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

-Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

-If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

-Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

-If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

-My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

-Thank you for pot smoking.

-To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

-If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

-Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

-If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

-Horn broken...watch for finger.

-It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

-If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

-Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

-DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

-Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

-And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

-Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?



Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on.

Q: What's the difference between dark and hard?
A: It stays dark all night.

Q. What's the definition of oral sex?
A. The taste of things to come.

Try Prostitution

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That's too much!" He then asked, "How much for a hand job?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said "Ask for $40." The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was very well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"


Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following:

"Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese."

"I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're f#cking ugly as well!"



A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds
attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged
and masculine features. If she is menstruating, she is more prone to be
attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed
up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.

 

[melody]

Artificial Pussy

A guy visited his friend's house and saw a rubber object on the lounge, so he asked his mate what it was.
"It's an artificial pussy," his mate replied, "And it's the best fuck I have ever had!"
"Bullshit!" cackled the other guy, "A fake pussy your best screw? You gotta be joking!"
"Don't believe me? Why don't you take it home and give it a try then?" said his friend.
The guy took the fake pussy home, tried it out, and found out it was true. It was the best screw of his entire life.
Later that day, the guy's wife walked into the kitchen and saw the rubber object on the table.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It's an artificial pussy and it's the best fuck I have ever had in my life!" replied the husband
"If it's so good," asked the wife, "What is it doing in the kitchen?"
"Well," said the guy, "As soon as I teach it to cook I am going to get rid of you!"


What's the definition of a tongue-twister?
A spiral pussy!

What's the definition of a woman?
Life support for a vagina!

What does a blonde and a tampon have in common?
They are both stuck up cunts!

Why do blondes wear tampons?
Because crabs like bungee jumping too!

What do you call the space between the vagina and the arsehole?
The chinrest!

What do you call the useless flesh that surrounds a vagina?
The woman!

What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you!

What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period?
Your palm Red!

What is the irritating part around a blonde's cunt?
The other guys waiting their turn!

How do you know if you have an overbite?
If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!

A Gay In Love

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome
young doctor across the street.

"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have
no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."

"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his
patients."

So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his
name was Smith.

"What's your problem, Mr Smith?" the doctor asked.

"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."

"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."

The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.

"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you
realize that you have one dozen roses up in there?"

"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"


Whore House Slogans
----------------------------------
1. More Fuck for your Buck!
2. More Honey for your Money!
3. More Gash for your Cash!
4. More Hole for your Pole!
5. More Head for your Bread!
6. More Booty for your Looty!
7. More Strange for your Change!
8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!
9. Will suck for a buck!



I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
Hey, don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love.
Wife: "Why don't you ever call out my name when we're making love?" Husband: "Because I don't want to wake you."

 

[melody]

Can't Sleep

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"


The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said, "Yes, I love
that trick you do with your mouth."

"What trick?" she asked?

"The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep!"


Mommy, Mommy!, can I have a cookie?
Yes son, the cookies are on the top shelf.
But Mommy, I haven't got any arms!
No arms, no cookie son.

Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.

Fishing Trip

Four guys have been going to the same fishing
trip for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife
puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but
what can they do"

Two days later the three mates get to the camping
site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"Wow, Ron, how long you been here? How did you
talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night. After dinner at
home yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair
and my wife came up behind me and put her hands
over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'"

I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing sexy brand
new lingerie. She said had been reading 'Fifty Shades
of Gray and she had a devilish look in her eyes! She
took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room
had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she
had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up
and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So . . . . here I am!



A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.

"The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

 

[melody]

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out."

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

zzzzz

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

zzzzz

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of
her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead
pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and
said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

zzzzz

What's grosser than gross?
When Siamese Twins are connected by the mouth and one pukes.

They say one way you can tell the difference between a young prostitute and
an old prostitute these days is that a young prostitute uses petroleum
jelly and the old prostitute uses denture adhesive.

A man walks into a bar and sits down to a man that is obviously intoxicated. He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk, "Did you crap your pants?" The drunk said "yup." The man then asked the drunk, "Why don't you go to the bathroom?", to which the drunk replied, "Cause I ain't done yet!"

Two Starving Bums

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"
"Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"
The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.
A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.
The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

_________

A prostitute's nursery rhyme:

One two lets screw,
Three four I'm a whore,
Five six suck the dick,
Seven eight ejaculate,
Nine ten fuck me again.

_________


Q:) What did one testicle say to the other?
A:) Don't mind the asshole behind us! It's the PRICK ahead we're working
for!

Q: what are the 3 biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: life sucks! job sucks!................ and wife doesn't.

_________

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

_________

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck
in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Little
Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum," she
said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."

 

[melody]

Teeth Down There

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up thinking all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says "you know, you could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "you've got teeth down there."
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no teeth there."
"Yes there are," he says, "my mom told me so."
"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek."
"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look, then replies: "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."


A woman walks into the doctor's office with a huge boil on her ass.
The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.
He says: "This is too big a job for me. I'm going to have to send you to Gus the pus sucker. "
The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says "this is no problem," and he proceeds to press his lips to her ass and suck out the pus and core of the boil.
Halfway through, the woman farts. Gus stops what he's doing and angrily says:
"You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting."

Why Butt Fucking Is Just The Best

1: It's two degrees warmer.

2: There's 7 more moving muscles.

3: Seeing the whites of her eyes if it's her first time.

4: "Mistaking" the Ben Gay for KY ... when you've got a condom on.

5: Spanking her and making her push back as her scissor muscle
massages your knob.

6: You can put your hand up her cunt, grab your cock inside her
and jerk off.

7: Giving her a custard enema and fantasizing she's been gang-banged.

8: The butt plug you made her wear lets you slide in easier.

9: Being able to brandish a piece of shit the size of a tennis ball
on the end of your dick.

10. Cumming in her mouth after you pull out of her ass makes you
blow harder.

11: It's easier to fake orgasm. Just pull out and spit on her back!

12: You are in a better position to feel her furry back
(only applicable to New Zealanders, Aussies, Greeks, The Welsh,
and certain perverse yet sophisticated animal husbandry and
wivery experts in Illinois).

13: You don't have to look at her face.

14: It disgusts her mother more quickly.

15: It hurts her fathers ass.

16: When she screams, "It hurts," you reply, "Oh it hurts me too, baby!"
as you dig your dick in deeper.

17: Done properly, it doesn't hurt, but the spanking does as it makes
her ass so red and sensitive that she cums as your pumping truncheon
thrusts it's girth into her hungrily bucking anus, and she thirstily sucks
it up her rectum with lewd gyrations of her crimson cheeks and
sopping tush.

Ahem. Excuse me. I got carried away.

18: With glycerin suppositories, you can almost get your balls in, too!
*And* covered in clear goo!

19: With explosive diarrhea you can easily get your dick and balls out!

20: It loosens her ass up for fisting.

21: It's important to have an icebreaker at employment interviews.

22: The only thing she will give birth to is a big brown baby
laced with thick white goo and push marks.

23: If you take her muzzle off, she fluffs up your pillow with her
teeth while you sodomize her.

24: If she says she feels buggered, it's because she really has been!

 

[melody]

Wife:/Husband:

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this
in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: All right, I'll do it.
Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it down far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to sleep. The next time, it's
your turn to get up and turn the thermostat down.
Wife: Yes, honey.
=======
The blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"
=======
Q: How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
A: The hotdogs all taste like shit!
What do you call an annexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.

Smoking Dope

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs, and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!". "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew a large and a small circle.
I said, pointing to the small circle, "This is your asshole before prison..."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*&^ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[melody]

A Seizure

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and
soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an
epileptic seizure she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our
uninformed male thought this was incredible best sex he'd ever had. He
finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her
seizure.

He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse
asked what the girl's problem was, and he replied, "Er.... I think her
orgasm is stuck!"

=================

The Italian says, "When I've a finisheda makina da love with my
girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floats a 6 inches abov'a da bed in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished
making ze lovewith ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body
and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12
inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."

The Redneck says, "That's nothing buddy. When I've finished doin
it to myolady I get out of bed, walks over to the window and wipes
my dick on the curtains.
She hits the freaking roof!!!"

Tied To A Tree

A San Francisco tourist is taking a stroll through Golden Gate Park when he’s attacked by three horny sailors.

They strip him, tie him over a tree branch so he can’t move and butt fuck him repeatedly, then leave him tied-up and helpless.

Hours later he spies a policeman through the trees and calls for help.

The cop strolls over.

"Well Hello! What have we here?" the cop asks.

The poor tourist quickly relates his ordeal with the sailors.

"Really?", says the cop, “It’s not your day for uniforms . . . as the cop unzips his fly,. . . now is it sir?"
------------------
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not... but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

 

[melody]

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
;;;

Define "hobosexualist." A bum fuck.
What do you call a woman who has one leg shorter than the other?:
Eileen
A Japanese woman with the same affliction?:
Irene
What do you call her after the operation?:
Noleen.
What do you call a woman without legs and arms?:
Nothing. She ain't going nowhere, so drop the sweet talk!
What do you call a man, with no arms and no legs, out in the ocean?:
Screwed!!
;;;
Three disabled men enter a swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second has no legs, and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "SPLASH!" they are all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see the bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool where the head is. He dives down and rescues the head, where upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three fucking years I have spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the race, some bastard puts a fucking swimming cap on me!"

Mummy, Mummy,

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"
uuuuuu
One day while a elephant was walkin through the woods she got a thorn
stuck in her foot.
She then asked an ant to help her get it out.
The ant replied "what do I get in return?"
The elephants says "if you get it out you can fuck me".
So the ant gets busy takin the thorn out. When he finally gets it out
he says "Ok it's out, are you ready?".
The elephant thinks hey, what's a lil ant gonna do anyway.
He climbs up and starts to work away... and just then a monkey overhead
drops a coconut on the elephants head.. and the elephant screams
"Ouch!", and the ant screams "Yeah take it all bitch"
uuuuuu
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?" his buddy asked.
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

 

[melody]

Experimental Implant

Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect. Can you help me?"

After a complete examination, the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem
with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an
experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from
the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently, then says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for
it."

A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use
his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his
girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to
the point of being painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His
penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table,
grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile,
"That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

With his eyes watering, Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't
think I can fit another roll up my ass."
------------
A teacher asks the class to name things that
end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
... "Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats
fucking batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

My Side Of The Story

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly
this morning on the phone.
"Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and
demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late
getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to
realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I
had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I
was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally
got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change, and
they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels;
the phone was still ringing nonstop.
When I came up I
cracked my head on the open cash drawer which
made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch
of expensive perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the
floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and
I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me Mister, as God is my witness, all I did was
tell her!"


During her annual checkup, the well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

 

[melody]

Little Johnny Smoking

A guy is walking down the street and sees
Little Johnny smoking a cigarette.

He says, "Kid, you're too young to smoke."
Johnny looks up but doesn't say anything.
...
The man asks, "Son, how old are you?"
Little Johnny says, "Six."

Stunned, the man says, "Six!? When did you start smoking?"
Johnny replies, "Right after the first time I had sex."

"Right after the first time you had sex? When was that?"
Little Johnny answers, "I don't remember. I was drunk."

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!" "Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his pecker!" "Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his pecker!


A redneck was standing at a bar. A beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says, "You remind me of my little toe!" She giggles and replies, "What? You Mean I'm small and cute?" "No," he says, "I mean I 'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk!"


There once was a lady from Wooster
Who dreamt that a man had seduced her
She awoke with a scream
To find was a dream
And a bump in the mattress had goosed her.
~~~~~
There was a young lady named Mandel
Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal
By coming out bare
On the main village square
And massaging herself with a candle
~~~~~
The once was a girl named Straight
Whose pussy smelled like bait!
Whenever Jeff pounds her
The room reeks of flounder
Her twat, she needs to refrigerate.
~~~~~
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
~~~~~
The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."
~~~~~
Two guys are talking in a bar:
"I came home early last night and caught my wife having sex with my best friend in our bed!"
"What did you do?"
"I grabbed my wife by the hair and said 'that's it, you're outta here' and threw her out of the house."
"What did you do to your best friend?"
"I shook my finger at him and yelled 'bad dog! bad dog!'"
~~~~~
There once was a girl from the Azures
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Used to eat the green meat
Which hung in festoons from her drawers
~~~~~
Q. What's the difference between anal sex and a microwave oven?
A. A microwave oven won't brown your meat.

Q. What's grosser than eating your grandmother's pussy?
A. Banging your head on the coffin lid after you're done.

 

[melody]

Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
_______________

Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
*
What is the definition of suspicious?
A nun doing pushups in a cucumber patch
*
Seems this elderly couple went to the clinic and asked to be tested for HIV.
When the counselor asked why they felt that they should be tested at their age, the old man said, "Well, we heard on TV that people should be tested after annual sex!"
*
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
*
Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.
Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.
*
Steph was telling her boyfriend, Jeff "According to archaeologists, for millions of years the Neanderthal man was not fully erect."
And Jeff's reply was, that's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!
*
Supposedly I was created in god's image. I don't know...
you'd think god would have a bigger penis than this.

Greek Style

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar.

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn't take long before he is on the stool next to her.

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, "You're really hot!"

You're pretty cute, too," she says to him. "I'll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?"

It sounds great!" the man eagerly replies.

"Before we go up there though", the woman says, "I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?"

"Well...uh...I'm not exactly sure what that is, man answers, "but it sure sounds interesting and I'm willing to learn! Let's go!"

So the two of them walk over to her apartment.

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can't believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body.

"Now, you're *sure*," the woman asks, "that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Definitely!" the man replies.

"All right, then," says the woman. "Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees."

"Sounds like fun!" the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man.

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" says the man.

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can't move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, "Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?"

The man's muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts.

"Yeah!" he mumbles, "Greek style!"

The woman's grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, "GUS!"
__________

Q: What happens when a whore house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!

Q: What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old people's home!

Scientists have just released Viagra in the form of eye drops.
Apparently it does nothing for your sex life but it makes you look really hard.