DATING DON'TS FOR GUYS
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things
NOT to say on a date...
"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin."
"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to
be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I
date just won't be as smart as I am."
"Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear
hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could
run that fast."
;-): ~) ;-): ~): -)
Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf of
bread.
Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread
in one hand and the other hand is in his pants pocket.
Along come Father Guido and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to teach something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see, Little Johnny, that you
have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
My Best Friend
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender
pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the
problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in
bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her
stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best
friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, 'Bad dog!"
_______
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands
when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10",
120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no
tan lines!!!
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly,
and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like
her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"
Watch The Builders
Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was
pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across
the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will
learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his
mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied -
"Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of
a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker
down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side
and put the mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to
ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told
him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and
get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked, Dad. That's
the electrician's job."
~~~~~
For months the loving newlywed had asked his bride to give
him oral sex, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never
worked, for the blushing bride was simply too innocent and
inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let alone
attempt it.
But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and one
night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.
When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes and asked,
"How was I, sweetheart?"
He looked back at her and said, "How the hell should I know?
- I'm not a cocksucker!"
Bath Towel
A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. 'Who was th at?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?'
()()()()()
A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bag
Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. He says "I would shoot her
below the left nipple" Bloke says "I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!"
Whats the difference between PMS and CJD ??
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.
What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??
You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!
A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"
"Aww did you ?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"
Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"
"No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !
Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neighbors were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"
This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!.............Jammy cunt.
A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things
NOT to say on a date...
"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
"No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin."
"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it."
"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to
be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I
date just won't be as smart as I am."
"Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear
hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could
run that fast."
;-): ~) ;-): ~): -)
Little Johnny's mother sent Little Johnny to the store to get a loaf of
bread.
Little Johnny is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread
in one hand and the other hand is in his pants pocket.
Along come Father Guido and he thinks to himself, "This is a good
opportunity to teach something from the bible to Little Johnny."
He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see, Little Johnny, that you
have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"
Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."
My Best Friend
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender
pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the
problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in
bed with my best friend."
'Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?"
"I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her
stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep. "And, what about your best
friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, 'Bad dog!"
_______
Two gay men are beach walking, holding hands
when a beautiful woman passes them. She's 5'10",
120 lbs, 38-24-36, with a string bikini on and no
tan lines!!!
The first gay man turns to his friend, sighs audibly,
and in a breathless whisper says, "It's women like
her that sometimes make me wish I was a LESBIAN!!"
Watch The Builders
Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was
pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across
the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will
learn something."
Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his
mother asked him what he had learned. Martin replied -
"Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of
a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker
down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side
and put the mother fucker back up."
Martin's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to
ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told
him the whole story, dad said, "Martin, go outside and
get me a switch." Martin replied, "Get fucked, Dad. That's
the electrician's job."
~~~~~
For months the loving newlywed had asked his bride to give
him oral sex, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never
worked, for the blushing bride was simply too innocent and
inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let alone
attempt it.
But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and one
night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.
When it was over, she looked deeply into his eyes and asked,
"How was I, sweetheart?"
He looked back at her and said, "How the hell should I know?
- I'm not a cocksucker!"
Bath Towel
A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep. Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. 'Who was th at?' He asks. 'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?'
()()()()()
A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner........Once she stops sucking......Change the fucking bag
Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it. He says "I would shoot her
below the left nipple" Bloke says "I want her dead, not fucking knee capped!"
Whats the difference between PMS and CJD ??
One attacks the cow's brain and sends it fucking mental, the other is an agricultural problem.
What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??
You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!
A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"
"Aww did you ?" wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and pissed myself laughing"
Man goes into brothel in Amsterdam and asks the madam for the fattest bird with the saggiest tits and a minge like a ripped out old fireplace, the madam says "feeling kinky sir?"
"No" replies the man, "just fucking homesick" !
Mick says to Paddy "close your curtains next time you make love to your wife, all the neighbors were laughing at you yesterday... "well" said paddy, "the laugh is on them because I wasn't fucking in yesterday!"
This years strawberry picking contest has been won by a woman with NO legs !!!.............Jammy cunt.
A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed and to protect her young sons innocence, the woman says it was an insect, to which one of the boys replied "I'm surprised it can fly with a cock like that!"