care to share jokes...i'm just too bored..

[DR78]

Did You Know...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.

(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes... lucky pig. Can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(OK, so that would be a good thing....................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

 

[DR78]

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly


1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.


2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.


3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.


4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.


5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.


6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.


7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.


8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.


10. Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three wise men went to visit Jesus right after he was born. One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A big bear and little rabbit are taking a dump side by side in the woods. The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks. "Do you have trouble with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "no". So the bear wiped his arse with the rabbit.

 

[Fluffy]

one day, a elephant went up to a camel and asked.."why u got 2 neh neh poh on ur back wan???"

and the camel got pissed and replied"why u got lancau on ur face wan???"


ps:im also damn bored.

 

[munky]

oi oi oi this topic should be closed. Use google and search la

im just kidding btw. I'm not that kind of ppl

 

[munky]

Three tortoises, Russell, Steve and Dave, decide to go on a picnic. So Dave packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Dave unpacks the food and beer. "OK Russ give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Russ. "I thought you packed it." Dave gets worried, He turns to Steve, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Steve didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Dave and Steve beg Russ to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Russ sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Dave and Steve are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each and just as they are about to eat it, Russell pops up from behind a rock and shouts:
"I KNEW IT!!..... YOU BASTARDS!!..... I'M NOT FUCKING GOING NOW!!!"

 

[munky]

A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the tore, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."​

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she pulls out the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
"Take a shower. Splash on some nice perfume. Slip into a very sexy nightie. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training."
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me you little bastard! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."


A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night. The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange and beautiful sound.
The next morning, as the monks were repairing his car, he asked about the sound that had woken him. "We're sorry," the monks said, "We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward, the man pondered the source of the
alluring sound.
Several years later the man happened to be driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed, and so the man stayed with them again.
Late that night, he heard the strange beautiful sound. The following morning he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks gave him the same answer as before. "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk, for that was the only way he could learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver, then a third of gold and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.
The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the beautiful mysterious sound he had heard so many years before...
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk!

 

[ka_ren]

i started threads about jokes a couple of times d.. n the threads always die off.. so i hope this will stay on.. or can search history for my thread.. cheers.. thx for the contribution.. makes me laugh ~! lol

 

[ka_ren]

http://www.zerotohundred.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=29866&highlight=jokes -=my thread=- hehe hope it will entertain u ppl... dun b bored anymore ok?

 

[NOSkill]

This is a geek joke.

http://www.google.com/funny

 

[nitrus]

AHAHAHAHAHAAA potong la munky!!! the monk one ... aiyoiii...

 

[CcL]

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?

"Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

================
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'

=================
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

================
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

===================
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

===================
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

===================
Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

 

[DR78]

lol... its funny la from nen nen poh to monk..hahaha..

i wonder if we could post up some dirty jokes but i guess religious jokes is out of the question ......... right?? hehe..
got loads of all those jokes but scared to post it up..
let u guys start first la...hahaha

 

[DR78]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

 

[Fluffy]

the liver is evil.it must be punished.

 

[DR78]

=================
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

================
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

===================
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

===================
."

haha..damn funny stuff..