JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

One Liners

Wanna hear a dirty joke? A little boy falls into the mud
Wanna hear a clean joke? He takes a bath with bubbles
Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is Michael Jackson.

Here I sit in misty vapor in a shit house with no paper
I have no time to sit and linger watch out asshole here comes finger.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"

Q. Why don't guys like to perform oral sex on a woman the morning after sex?
A. Have you ever tried pulling apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q. Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC?
A. Because its finger licking good!

Q. What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Q. What does a dwarf get if he runs through a woman's legs ???......
A. A clit around the ear and a flap across the face

=====

Little Johnny was taking a shower with his grandma.

He casually asked,"Grandma what's that?" She quickly replied, "That's my beaver". Little Johnny didn't say another word.

Two days later he was taking a shower with his mom. Little Johnny asked,"Mommy what's that?" She replied, "Well Johnny that's my beaver."

Little Johnny thought for a bit and said,"Well grandmas beaver must be dying her tongues hanging out!!"

Thoughts On Aging

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE FROM THE PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF KALIFORNIA

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none of them are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Flower.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and
Ethiopian.
8. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
9. A really great parking place can totally move you to tears.
10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
11.Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball
cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really is George
Clooney.
12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
13. You can't remember....is pot illegal?
14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
station "Storm Watch"
15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.
16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather related accidents.
17. Hey!!!!! is pot illegal?
18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal
trainers, and cosmetic surgeons.
19. The Terminator is your governor.
20 If you drive illegally, they take your driver's licence. If you're
here illegally, they want to give you one.


During a quarrel with his parents, young Michael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"

With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and walked up to him, as he grabbed the doorknob.
"Didn't you hear what I said?" asked Michael. "I don't want you to try and stop me!"

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "I'm going with you!"

Colonoscopy's

Colonoscopy's are no joke, but these comments during this exam were
quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
Colonoscopy:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all . . .
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?"
________________________________

There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.

There once was a priest from Bings,
whose mind was on heavenly things.
But his earthly desire
was a boy on the choir
whose ass shook like jello on springs.

There was a young girl from Odessa,
A rather unblushing transgressor.
When sent to the priest
The lewd little beast
Began to undress her confessor.
________________________________

Q: How do you change a Fox into an Elephant?
A: You marry her.

Q: How do you turn a Stallion into a pig?
A: You marry him.

 

[melody]

A Farmer And His Attorney

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend
him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and
doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued,
"who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to
pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his
testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when
he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up
hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next
to him, "You know, a good goat will do that

~~~~~

Little Jill comes home from playing at Johnny's house. "Hey Mom, guess
what! Johnny's got a penis like a peanut!" Mom is understandably
confused for a second, then asks, "What, you mean it's shaped like a
peanut?" "No silly, it's salty!"

~~~~~

Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something,
and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets,
and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits,
and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last
week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',
I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

Nasty Q's & A's

1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.

2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
Answer: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors

4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust

5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing (OMG!)

7. What do you get when you cross a Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough
Boy?
Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey

9. What's the definition of a tongue-twister?
Answer: A spiral pussy!

10. Why do tampons have strings?
Answer: So that you can floss after you eat!

11. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
Answer: Nobody eats parsley!

12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
Answer: A blow job with handle bars

13. Why do women have two holes.
Answer: So that when they are drunk, you can carry them like a six pack!

14 What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
Answer: All you can eat.... under a buck.

15. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

16. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
Answer: cherry float.

17. What did the after hours sign on the whorehouse door say?
Answer: Beat It - we're closed.

18. Why do bull walruses go to Tupperware parties?
Answer: To find a tight seal.

19. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Answer. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

20. Why don't they let women swim in the ocean anymore?
Answer: They can't get the smell out of the fish!

21. What's the speed limit of sex?
Answer. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

22. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
Answer. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

23. Why is air a lot like sex?
Answer. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

24. What's another name for pickled bread?
Answer. Dill-dough

25. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
Answer. He heard the snow blower coming.

26. When do Monica Lewinsky's cheeks get puffy?
Answer: When she's withholding evidence

27. What's the difference between a bowling ball and a pussy?
Answer: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

28. Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Answer. Because they don't have balls to scratch.

29. Why is sex like a bridge game?
Answer. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

30. Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
Answer: He could read lips!

31. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Answer. Because it scares the hell out of the dog

Aol Obsession

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally
takes matter into her own hands.
One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom,
takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts
herself between her husband and his monitor.
She pulls open the jacket and yells, "Time for Super Sex"!!!!!.
He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex" -"Super Sex"
"Super Sex"!!!!
Finally, he replies, "Ok, I'll take the soup."

@@@@@

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES - Oh Shit, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!

@@@@@

A biker and his new bride show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon
suite.
"Do you have reservations?" inquires the receptionist.
"Only one," replies the groom. "She won't take it up the ass."

How To Give A Blow Job
(And Blow His Mind)

Blowjobs aren't just for men's pleasure. That's right, many women say the feeling of control it gives them combined with the oral stimulation is a turn-on in its own right.. Read on for tips and techniques to make a blowjob an ultimately satisfying experience for all involved.

The Anatomy
Know what you're getting into:
Glans: The head of the penis
Frenulum: The underside of the glans; ** the most sensitive part **
Shaft: The length of the penis
Perineum: The area between the anus and the testicles
Testicles: Where sperm is made and stored for ejaculation.

Basic Up & Down
Position yourself comfortably:
Start by teasing his penis - kiss, breathe lightly, whisper, tickle.
Switch to sucking. Create a vacuum by pursing your lips, then using them to surround his penis.
Thrust your mouth down over his penis while you suck.
Use your saliva as a lubricant.
Stroke with your hands while sucking.
Twist your hand as you move up and down on the shaft. Switch hands occasionally for variation.

Beyond Sucking
Licking & nibbling is quite stimulating:
Run your tongue around the glans, then focus on the frenulum.
Flick your tongue back and forth and all around as you're sucking.
Lick the bottom of the shaft while using your hand to fondle the glans, and vice versa.

All-Around Focus
There's more to the penis than meets the eye:
Take his balls gently into your mouth and suck.
Run your tongue along his perineum.
Lick his anus and see if he likes it.
Rub his balls gently as you suck the shaft.

Spit or Swallow
It's your decision:
Some like to take come into their mouth, some like to watch it shoot. Both can be very sexy.
If you choose to take it in your mouth, you can swallow or keep a cloth or napkin nearby to spit into.
Know your partner and make good choices. Swallowing during oral sex on an HIV-infected man has been known transmit the virus.

10 Advanced Tips

1. Take a deep breath before you take his penis into your mouth to relax your throat muscles. This is to prevent gagging if you think his penis is going to touch the back of your throat.
2. Use your hand around the base of his penis to control how deep he goes into your mouth.
3. Try swallowing when his penis reaches the back of your throat. It kind of tickles.
4. You can start a blowjob when your partner's penis is flaccid and stimulate him to erection.
5. Pubic hairs in your mouth are normal. Just stop for a minute to take them out & then keep going.
6. Use a finger in your partner's anus to massage his prostate.
7. Pop an ice cube in your mouth or a mint for extra stimulation.
8. Run your hands over his inner thighs as your mouth moves on his shaft.
9. Keep your teeth away from his penis, or very, very lightly rub them against him while sucking.
10. Not all men come during oral sex. Don't worry if he doesn't - his orgasm is his responsibility, not yours.

 

[melody]

Truisms

Behind every successful man, there is a great woman and behind every great woman, there is a smart guy staring at her butt.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

Chess players mate better.

Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg do not find nuts.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK.

Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage. Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - don't and stop, unless they are used together.

The difference between a husband and a lover is the difference between day and night.

I love you in blue. I love you in red but most of all. I love you in bed.

Prostitution is a hole sale business.

A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

It is good for woman to meet man in park, but better for man to park meat in woman.

What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

I'm not attracted by a girl's mind ... But by what she doesn't mind.

Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early kill people.

Gettin' married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy!

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's
troublesome.

Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a
while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually
enjoying it.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is
in trouble again.

Behind every successful man, is a surprised mother-in-law.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does
milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them!!

You're not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!

Forgive your enemies but remember their names

Wife's Gifts

A rich man and a poor man were discussing what they
gave their wives for their anniversary.

The rich man says, "I bought my wife a diamond necklace and a Mercedes
Benz."

Poor man asks, "Why did you buy her two gifts?" The rich man replies,
"Well, in case she doesn't like the diamond necklace, she can drive her
Mercedes Benz to take it back."

The poor man acknowledges the rich mans answer then proceeds to tell him
what he got his wife. "I got my wife a pair of flip flops and a dildo."

With a confused and intrigued look, the rich man asks, "Why did you
buy her those gifts?!" The poor man replies, "Well, in case she doesn't like
the flip flops, she can go fuck herself."

%%%%%

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained
And decides to use the big toilet like his daddy.
He pushes up the seat and balances his little
Penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down,
And little Johnny lets out a scream.
His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping
Round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained
Face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."
His mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Repairs

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for
weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which
he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse
written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does
it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he
enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a
beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get
fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice
young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the
repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you know what happened this month back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women
had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Pilsner

A woman walks into a tavern, sits up at the bar and orders a Pilsner. She drinks it down and then "BAM" she passes out. The regulars not being ones to miss an opportunity, take her into the back room and have sex with her, then prop her up in the alley.
The next day the same woman comes in, sits at the bar and orders a Pilsner. BAM she passes out and the boys take her into the back room again and have sex with her, then put her into the alley.
The third day the same woman walks in and sits at the bar, and the bartender says "would you like a Pilsner today"? She replies "No more Pilsner, make it a draft, that Pilsner makes my pussy sore".


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


A blonde came running home to her mother, sobbing and hysterical.
"What's wrong?" her mum, (another blonde) asked.
"My boyfriend's just dropped me!" wailed the blonde.
Her mother nodded wisely and started to tell her all about the birds and the bees.
"No mum," the blonde interrupted. "You don't understand - I can fuck and suck
with the best of them, but he says I can't cook!"

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day.
So, the doctor finally decided to see what this man was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

 

[melody]

Gentleman Quiz

Want to know if you're, or someone you know is a gentleman?

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place


If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.

Roses And Violets

Roses are awful
Violets are the pits
Lift up your shirt
And show us your tits

Roses are straight
Violets are twisted
Bend over love
You're about to get fisted

Roses are crap
Violets are wanky
Oooh I've just come
Pass me a hanky

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cause here comes my willy

Roses make me laugh
Violets make me bitter
You're a dirty bitch
And you love it up the shitter

Roses are red
But I like Carnations
You're so bad in bed
That I fucked your Alsation

Roses are red
Violets are finer
Chickens are fowl
Just like your vagina

Roses are red
That's elementary
Let's call up a friend
And try double entry

Roses are shit
Violets are crap
Show me your clit
And I'll come in your lap

Roses are red
Skidmarks are brown
Gimmie a blow job
And swallow it down

Roses are groovy
Violets are funky
I'm thinking of you
And spanking my monkey

Not The Best Pick-Up Lines

- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat-hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- Who can blame Woody Allen?
- After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.

~~~~~

He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and
said, "My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That was just my
husband, you know there's no one but you."

City Boy

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The
farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals.
The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep
into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the
boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and
described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a
hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. "Oh, shit!" said the
farmer. "You've shot the wife!"


A typical family of hillbillies, Paw , Maw , Jethro and little Sally.
One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?" Paw says, "Since you are a
big boy I will show you." Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!" Paw
then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread
your legs. "Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"
In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims,
"What is going on? "Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.
"Little Sally asks, "What is Sex? "Jethro replies, "See that little hole
on Paw? Now watch this!"


One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since
the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the
nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's
looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse. The next
morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets
dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices
the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and
says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!" The hooker replies, "Hey, old man,
what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

 

[melody]

Things Overheard At The STD Clinic

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a
public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for Sexually
Transmitted Diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two
decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate
I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and
my
face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell
you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiance and then douched with Lysol--feelin'
a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old
homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis
over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the
sores,
they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my
other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat
before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust
either
of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my
armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline
out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my
brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a
'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane

*You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
*The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
*The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
*There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
*You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
*It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug.
*The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
*There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
*You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
*Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
*You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
*You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
*Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
*A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
*There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
*You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
*The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
*A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
*You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
*The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
*You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
*People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
*Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
*You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
*You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
*You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
*You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Doc Rourke

Doc Rourke rented an apartment in New York, and went to the lobby
to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive
young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a
robe.
Doc smiled at the young girl and she struck up a conversation with
him. As they talked, her robe slipped open. It was quite obvious
that she had nothing on under the robe. Poor Doc broke into a sweat
trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her
hand on his arm and said, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone
coming..."
They proceeded into the apartment, and after she closed the door,
she leaned against it allowing her robe to fall completely open.She
purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Doc stammered, cleared his throat
several times, and finally squeaked out, "Oh, it's got to be your
ears!"
She was astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are
full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't
sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars!
Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my
body?"
Clearing his throat once again, Doc stammered - "Outside when you
said you heard someone coming - THAT WAS ME!"

'''''

Q: What do you call a woman with a toothpick through her clit?
A: Olive.

Q: What did the male vampire say to his female teacher?
A: "See you next period."

Q: Why can't girls wear miniskirts in the winter?
A: Chapped lips.

Q: Did you hear about the one-legged girl who got raped?
A: She couldn't cross her legs to save her ass.

Q: How can you tell if a leper has been using your shower?
A: Your bar of soap has gotten bigger.

Q: What caused the leper go blind playing baseball?
A: He kept his eye on the ball.

Q: What does a woman have in common with a Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: When you're finished with the thigh and breast, you've still got a
greasy box to stick your bone in.

Q: What are the three reasons a beastist prefers sheep over people?
1. They never have a headache.
2. They are always in the mood.
3. When you finish fucking them, you can eat them.

Bad News

A gay guy is in the doctor's office: Doctor: I'm afraid I have bad news. You have an advanced case of AIDS. Gay Guy: Oh, doctor, doctor, what am I going to DO? Doctor: Well, I'd say go to Mexico. Drink as much of water as you can. Not that bottled water - I'm talking about real Mexican tap water. Then, eat as much of the local food as you can. Make sure you eat plenty of beans, cabbage and lots and lots of fruit. Buy hot dogs, tacos and burritos from street vendors, too. Gay Guy: Doctor, will that cure me? Doctor: Nope, but it will teach you what your asshole is for!

~~~~~

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, "I've had some strange side effects though." "What's that?" the doctor asks anxiously "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

~~~~~

MEN!!!
To a man, the meaning of success depends on his age...
At age 4, success is not peeing in his pants
At age 16, success is "getting' a little"
At age 50, success is about career and family
At age 65, success is "getting' a little"
At age 90, success is not peeing in his pants

~~~~~

An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."

 

[melody]

The Devil In Hell

Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem." so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door. He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door. Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot. In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven. He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven. Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face. When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"

=======

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman

There's an Englishman, Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other
day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I
was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says "Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."
________

A woman goes to see her Dr, and her Dr says what can I do for you today? and she says well I have three vaginas, oh the Dr said looking up in surprise can you lift your skirt and let me have a look, ok she said lifting her skirt, after about 10 mins of examination she say's well doc what can you do for me, well he says I can put a plaster on the vagina on the outside of your left leg and I can do the same with the right leg, leaving just the normal vagina exposed, mmmmmm she said and that will help me? no the Dr said, but it will stop you getting fucked left right and center.
________

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replies, "Meow."

Bear Hunting

Jon was excited about his new rifle and wanted to try it out, so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small black bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder and he turned round to see a larger black bear.

The black bear said "You've got two choices, I either maul you to death or we have sex." Jon decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Jon soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip, found the black bear, and shot it. Immediately, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a big brown bear stood right next to him.

The brown bear said, "That was a huge mistake, Jon. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex." Again, Jon thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it was several months before Jon finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the brown bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned round to find a gigantic grizzly bear standing there.

The grizzly bear said "Admit it, Jon, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

~~~~~~~

A gal who was putting on airs
Kept attracting a great many stares.
It seems that her dress
Under strain and duress
Had split on her way down the stairs.

While her garb suffered decomposition,
She appeared not to know her condition.
She assumed that those glances
Were ill-bred advances
Not gapes at her clothing's attrition.

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed,
Little Bo Peep was giving him head,
As soon as he came she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been screwin' her sheep.

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

©--------------------©©--------------------©

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

©--------------------©©--------------------©

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

 

[melody]

5 Questions Most Feared By Men:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells
the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed
below, along with possible responses.
____________________________________________________

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive,
dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most
likely is one of the following:

a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you."
_______________________________________________

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
____________________________________________________

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________________________________________

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would
spend the insurance money if you died.
____________________________________________________

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette
and a boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up.
Questions usually along these lines

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: ( makes audible groan )
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: ---- silence -----
MAN: Shit.

Things A Guy Doesn't Want To Hear On A Blind Date:

*I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone.
*Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.
*Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention.
*That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.
*Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?
*This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?
*Turn here! That looks like my husband's car ahead.
**You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a male impersonator.
*I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
*Could you pull into that gas station? I need to change my diaper.
I'm twelve!!


Michael Jackson strolls up to a little boy on the street corner and says, “Would you like to see my new puppy?”
The little boy says, “For $20.00 I’ll even play with his bone.”
=====

Q: What did Michael Jackson say when he was released from prison?
A: "I feel like a kid again."
=====
Michael Jackson pulls up in his car beside a little boy. Holding
a bag full of sweets, he says: "Hey kid, if I give you a piece
of candy, will you come in my car?"
"Heck Michael, give me the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"
=====
Michael Jackson in a car pulls up to a schoolboy and says, “Hey little
boy, I’ll give you $100 if you let me spank your sweet tight little ass.”
“Like fucking hell," he replied, "I’ll give you $200 if you let me
smash your old useless dick with a hammer.”

Kenny, Stinko Drunk

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to
live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but
knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and
clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until
he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside
like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Kenny

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and
his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the
first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're shitting on the bed!!!


An agreeable girl named Miss Doves,
likes to jack off the young men she loves,
she will use her bare fist,
if the fellows insist,
but she really prefers to wear gloves.

Bill And Harry

Bill's friend Harry went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, so he asked her to dance.

She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, Harry said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Channel #5.

Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

Honest Harry replied: "Well, I've got a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

======

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards,the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancée has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

================

My missus, back when we were young,
Asked the doctor to fix her torn lung;
When asked how it ripped,
She replied as she stripped,
"Doc, that fella I just married is hung!"

 

[melody]

Hoohoo

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the
ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him,she used petroleum
jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep. I don't know
what's worse:
1) Having your girl friend find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring


A BIG CAT can hurt you, but a LITTLE PUSSY never hurt any man.

What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.


I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.



Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady approaches him and says, "What's wrong, honey?"

The little boy replies between sobs, "My Grandma passed away this morning."

"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley?"

"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."



Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
They can't keep their calves together!

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

Murphy's Laws On Sex

*The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave
her with no hard feelings.

*Nothing improves with age.

*No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because
it'll never be quite the same again.

*Sex has no calories.

*Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of
trouble.

*There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

*Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

*No sex with anyone in the same office.

*Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or
how long it is going to last.

*Virginity can be cured.

*Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

*The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same
ones she can't stand years later.

*Sex is dirty only if it's done right.

*It is always the wrong time of month.

*When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

*Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't
either.

*Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop
failure.

*The younger the better.

*Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

*Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.

*Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.

*If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into
our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

*Love is a matter of chemistry. Sex is a matter of physics.

*Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter
words to convey its full meaning.

*You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

*Thou shall not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.

*A woman never forgets the men she could have had. A man, the women he
couldn't.

*What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

*A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

*Love comes in spurts.

*Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant.

*Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

*Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from horse
to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's
legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying
horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy
and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think
the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

ttttt

A middle aged husband and wife were having
sex in the missionary position. Fifteen minutes went
by. Thirty. Forty-five.
Finally, the wife blurted out, "What's the matter,
honey, can't you fantasize about someone else, either?"

ttttt

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters
will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you can eat that stuff, you'll eat
anything.

ttttt

Door bell rings. The man from next door says he needs help. His wife is having a seizure. Next door on the floor the wife is naked and thrashing about wildly. The man says help me hold her down. Once the wife's limbs are pinned the man rips off his clothes. "When I climb on let her loose!"

ttttt

There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says" Excuse me, you just farted in front of my wife."
The drunk replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

©--------------------©©--------------------©

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

©--------------------©©--------------------©

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

 

[kUmUcHaI 11/1]

Always nice. Keep it up.

 

[melody]

50 Dumb Uses For Used Condoms...

1) Bicycle handle grips.
2) French tickler animals.
3) Shower caps for people with tiny heads.
4) Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.
5) Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.
6) Get 1000 and make a submarine.
7) Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.
8) Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.
9) Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.
10) Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.
11) Water wings for those non-swimmers.
12) Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.
13) Jello molds.
14) Finger puppets.
15) A wind sock.
16) Use as a bobber when fishing.
17) Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.
18) Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.
19) Suspenders.
20) Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)
21) Small animal muzzle.
22) Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.
23) Put them on your toes to make swimfins.
24) Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.
25) Automatic door closing devices.
26) Have 'water' balloon fights.
27) Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.
28) Freeze them for an all- natural popsicle.
29) Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.
30) Use for a Xmas stocking stuffings for those that screwed you.
31) Ear/nose plugs.
32) Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".
33) Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.
34) Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.
35) Paint scales on them & put them in a fishtank.
36) "I challenge you to a duel!"
37) Drain plugs.
38) Put them in with your tax return.
39) Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.
40) Punching bags.
41) Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.
42) Send 69 of them to your ex-girlfriend.
43) Novelty key rings.
44) Hang them all around your windshield and be a chicano.
45) Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.
46) Break out your paints and make wax fruit.
47) Glue them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.
48) Make a patch work "water" bed.
49) Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!
50) Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

House Of Ill Repute

One time when I was visiting Toronto I asked a chap where I could find a good house of ill repute. He gave me an address and said to ask for Sally.

I went to the address and requested Sally. She took me to a room, stripped down and said, "Go ahead, but let me know how it is."

After a few minutes I said, "It's not bad but a bit loose."

She said, "Get off for a moment."

I did that and she reached down and fiddled about with her privates.

"Try it now." she said.

I did and found it better but still a bit loose, so I told her so. She repeated her actions and when I tried it again it was perfect.

When we were finished and I was paying her I asked, "How do you manage to adjust it's size to fit anyone?"

"Well," she said, "I've been in this business for some time and have developed warts on one side and wormholes on the other. I just button them up."
_______

There once was a lady from France,
Who took a long train ride by chance,
The engineer fucked her, Before the Conductor,
Whilst the fireman came in his pants.

Young Tim

Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright, he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over. Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you .. you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing - if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"

========

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr.
Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs
away!!!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this
time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My, what big ears you have Mr.

Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the surprised wolf jumps up
and runs away.
About 2 miles down the path, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again,

this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My, what big teeth you have

Mr. Wolf," taunts Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf
jumps up and screams... ....."Will you get lost?! I'm just trying to
take a shit!"


There was a young lad that was graduating from high school.
He couldn't get a date for the prom. His parents
suggested that he could take his sister.
She agreed to attend the prom with her brother. After the the evening
ended they headed home in dad's new SUV.
As they were driving he looked at his sister and said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road"
She replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" After they parked, he said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you"
Again she replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" So he gave her a
big tongue kiss! Wow, "Damn if you weren't my sister
I'd like to fuck you" Again she replied "Pretend I'm not your sister"
As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together.
When they finished she remarked
"Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's" to which he replied "
Yep, that's what mom tells me!"

Elderly People

There were these two elderly people living
In a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower
And she a widow. They had known one another for
A number of years.

One evening there was a community supper in the
Big activity center. These two were at the same
Table, across from one another. As the meal went
On, he made a few admiring glances at her and
Finally gathered up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful
Consideration, she answered. "Yes, Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges,
They went to their respective places. Next morning,
He was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
Recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well
As he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes'
Or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes
I will' and I meant it with all my heart."

Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called,
Because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


Q: Did you hear about the blonde who went to the beach to have fun?
A: She was told to leave after the lifeguard caught her going down
for the third time.
Q: What do blondes call it when you pull off their pantyhose?
A: Foreplay.
Q: What is the ultimate dilemma for a blonde?
A: Meeting a guy with herpes and a big dick.
Q: What do blonde's like so much about tilt steering wheels in cars?
A: More head room.

 

[melody]

Crazy Habit

Here was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down. And saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device. A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy; you explain the kids."



Brian and Cindy Blossom were about to have their first wedding anniversary and Cindy wanted to do something special. She decided to get a tattoo because Brian thought they were very sexy. She goes to the tattoo parlor and can't decide on a design, so she decides to get Brian's initials BB tattooed on her ass. She gets a B on each cheek. She goes home and waits for Brian to come home. When she hears his car pull into the driveway, she drops her pants bends over and grabs her ankles making her new tattoo the first thing he sees when he walks in. The door opens, her husband walks in and with an angered look on his face he yells "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?"

Mrs. Schmidlap

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."
That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."
The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"
So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."
Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."
One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt.
He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt we could get rid of your girdle.”
The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra.”
The wife grabbed her husband’s penis and replied, “and if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your bother!”
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

nnn

A man was lying on his deathbed, his wife there to comfort him during his last moments. Being a good catholic and a strong believer in confession he began to say something that he felt he needed to get off of his chest before passing from this present life. As he began to speak though, his wife told him not to speak, to save his strength but he would hear nothing of the sort for he knew the end was already near. So his faithful wife listened as he said in his rapidly fading voice, “honey, I love you so I feel like I should be the one to tell you this. I cheated on you with your sister, your sister's friend, and your sister's friend's sister.'' Now the man, having spent the last of his strength lay quietly as his wife looked at him with lovingly understanding eyes and said, ''I know...that's why I poisoned you.''

 

[melody]

Alternative Ways To Say No :

I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of
his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

I would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

 

[melody]

Freddies Erection

Freddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis
are not working and there's nothing he can do
unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Hesitant Freddie asks about the procedure and the doctor explains
they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk,
insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.
Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again
is even more frightening, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later
he gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Freddie takes his wife out to dinner to celebrate. While at dinner Freddie starts feeling an

incredible pressure in his pants.
It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.
No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants,
rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket,
and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says,
"Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."
_________

Five reasons not to be a penis:
1) Your head is bald forever.
2) You live between two nuts.
3) An asshole lives behind you.
4) Your best mate’s a cunt.
5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

AN ODE TO ORAL SEX

FOR THE GIRLS

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum?

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.

FOR THE BOYS

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbors out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavored hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

 

[melody]

Poor Daddy

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."


A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"


An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners.

She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

There was a debauched little wench
that nothing could ever make her flinch.
She admitted men's poles,
At all possible holes,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk off, and french.

A RESIGNATION LETTER

Dear Sir,

This will confirm my fucking resignation
With your fucked up company. I have accepted
A lucrative position with a company where
Being a perverted bastard is not a job
Prerequisite for managerial skills.

I am looking forward to my new position and
The challenges that await me, unlike when I
Worked with you assholes.

My last day of work will be when you realize I
Came in late last night and cleaned out my desk,
Including all the supplies I requested and received
Last week.

Hopefully, your dumb ass can figure out all the
Shit I've left undone for the new team, as well
As the ongoing projects I never completed.

Once the company figures out that you don't know a
Damn thing, they will not only fire my replacement,
But your ass as well.

Please feel free not to say a damn thing to me
should
You see me on the street, unless you want your ass
kicked.

My experience with this fucking company has been
very
Unrewarding. I was only rewarded by your secretary.
She is a good fucker. She screwed me on your desk
when
You were away. She told me that you screwed her
every
Time she appealed for salary increment. She enjoyed
sex
With me but not with a corpse like you. In short,
you are
Not only a fucker but a poor fucker.

Anyway, I appreciate having had the opportunity to
use
You as a stepping stone to a better future.

I wish you and the organization not a fucking thing,

Bitch-ass mother fuckers.

Yours sincerely,

 

[melody]

Dear God

Chip asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad says:
"Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months later a blessed little pop-up appeared and said:‘You've Got Mail!’”

At The Cinema

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.

She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.

When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

*****

At school one day the teacher heard cat noises coming from the class, and she discovered little Jimmy with a cat up his jumper.

She said, "Why have you got your cat at school?"
Little Jimmy started crying. "I woke up this morning to hear the postman tell Mummy 'I'm gonna eat your pussy today!"

*****

Young Alice is known for her poise
During quiet foreplay with the boys.
But then when she has 'em
At the brink of orgasm,
You can't hear yourself think for the noise.

With his pecker limp on the floor,
And his wife still imploring for more --
"Ten hours of screwing
Has been my undoing;
I simply can't Fuck any more!"

While Greeley was fucking Miss Klutz,
She said as he plunged in his putz,
"Do you love me dear Greeley?"
He answered, "Not really,
I just wanted to blow off my nuts"

 

[melody]

Bad/Good To Worse

-Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.
-Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
-Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
-Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
-Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
-Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
-Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.
-Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.
-Good: The teacher thinks your son's great.
Bad: In bed.
-Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
-Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
-Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
-Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.
-Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
-Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
-Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
-Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
-Good: Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
-Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them
-Good: Your son is ****** someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
-Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your workmates are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do

Blonde Calendar Journal

JANUARY - Happy new year to me. Took scarf back to store
- was too tight.

FEBRUARY - Bummer of a month. Got fired from job at pharmacy for failure
To print labels on medicine bottles.
Well - DUH!!!! - the bottles wouldn't fit in the typewriter.

MARCH - Exciting month. Finished a jig saw puzzle in 6 months. The box said "2 - 4 years."

APRIL - Scary month. Was trapped on an escalator for hours.
The power went out.

MAY - Frustrating month. Tried to make Kool Aid from scratch.
-8 cups of water just will not fit into those little packets.

JUNE - Adventurous month. Tried to water ski - Gave up
- couldn't find a lake with a slope.

JULY - Defeated month. Lost breast stroke swimming competition
- Then found out the other swimmers cheated by using their arms.

AUGUST - Wet month. Got locked out of my car during a rain storm.
-Inside of car was ruined because top was down.

SEPTEMBER - Dumb month. Lost a TV quiz show.
-The capitol of California is "C", isn't it?

OCTOBER - Hate M&M's .. .they are so hard to peel.

NOVEMBER - Bad food month. Cooked turkey for 4 1/2 days.
Was very dry - don't know what went wrong
- Instructions said "1 hour per pound" and I weigh 108.

DECEMBER - Accident month. Cut finger bad
- couldn't call 911
- DUH!!!! - there is no "II" on the phone.

MAYBE 2014 WILL BE BETTER.........

 

[melody]

Buckwheat And Darla

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do
you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."
The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid.'"
Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."
When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."
Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb
and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"
-------------
-------------
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine what's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."

Cyber Sex
(Keeper)

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see
below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your
eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk
slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's
stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm
nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with
a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.
And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.
Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at
it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart: (logged off)

 

[melody]

Pedophile Pete is walking down the street and he runs into one of his
buddies. His buddy says: "Hey Pete, was that your new girlfriend I saw
you with the other day?" Peter, looking somewhat embarrassed and shamed
says "yeah".
His buddy says "How old is she?"
Looking even more shame faced Pete replies "Nine".
His buddy says "Isn't that a little old for you?".
Pete says "Yeah, but she's got the body of a six year old."

:::::

Q: What do you give the pedophile who has everything?
A: Another parish

Q: What did the little girl say to the lesbian pedophile?
A: Can I go to sleep now mummy?

Q: What's better than fucking a ten year old boy?
A: Rolling him over & finding out he's his seven year old sister.

Q: What did one pedophile say to the other?
A: Have you got two five's for a ten?

Q: Why do pedophiles like Halloween?
A: Free home delivery.

Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a pediatrician?
A: The pedophile really loves children.

Q: What's white and bobs up and down in a baby's cot ?
A: A pedophile's ass.

Q:How do you stop an 8-year-old boy from choking?
A:Take your dick out of his mouth.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: The little boy in the trunk of my car.

:::::

A man is taking a shower with his 6 year old daughter when she asks, "Daddy, what's that between your legs?"
"That's a Penis, honey."
"When am I going to get one of those?" she asked, innocently.
"As soon as Mommy goes to the Mall."

:::::

A man goes into a drugstore and says to the druggist, "I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter."
"Is your little girl sexually active?" asks the druggist.
"Nah, she just lays there like her mother."

Smart Azz Little Johnny

In school the lesson was about the word "contagious".

The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in
a sentence.

One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I
couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in
a sentence?"

One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he
had a cold and my mother said it was contagious."

The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?"

Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father
took the snow blower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway."

The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do.
And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson."

Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing,
saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out."

Women's Humor

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins? A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head? A: Reload and try again!



Mr. and Mrs. Jones come before the judge for their divorce
hearing. The judge says,

"What are the grounds?"

Mrs. Jones says,

"Cruel and inhuman punishment. He tied me to the bed and then
forced me to sing, "The Way We Were", while he peed all over me."

The judge says,

"My God, that's horrible."

She says,

"Yeah, he KNOWS how much I hate that fuckin' song!"

SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION

1 *You've got enough Prozac in your purse to tranquilize King Kong.

2 *You really lose it whenever someone says, "Good morning."

3 *You spend more time in bed than a hooker at a Shriners
convention.

4 *You keep your house so dark that mushrooms are growing in
the carpet.

5 *Given a choice, you'd have no preference between sex or a
root canal.

6 *On a really bad day, you wouldn't come to the door if it was
Publishers Clearing House.

7 *You list Dr. Kevorkian as a character reference.

8 *Alcohol gives you strength and food settles your nerves.

9 *Your hands shake so badly that you can brush your teeth without
any voluntary movement.

10 *You've cried so much that your contacts have rusted to your
eyeballs.
=====
What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.
=====
A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat.

Soon after the onscreen action started, she put her hand on the
man's lap. Looking over at him, she remarked: "I see this is
getting you excited, too. But how come it's so cold?"

"Because you're jerking off my popsicle!" the man replied.

 

[melody]

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER AND A MALE BEER DRINKER:

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Man: 15 years.

Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your fuckin' Ferrari?

_____________

There was a young lady named Gloria,
Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?"
She replied to the chap,
"I will draw you a map
Of where others have been before ya."

Martha Stewart vs. Real Women

Martha's way #1:
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
The Real Women's Way:
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you
are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2:
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
The Real Women's Way:
Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3:
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
The Real Women's Way:
Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4:
If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
The Real Women's Way:
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. Please
recite with me, The Real Women's motto: The way I make it is the way you eat
it, and the way you like it!!!

Martha's way #5:
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
The Real Women's Way:
Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6:
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful
glossy finish.
The Real Women's Way:
The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over
the crust so I just don't do it.

Martha's way #7:
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
The Real Women's Way:
Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have
the headache, but who cares?

Martha's way #8:
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They
give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
The Real Women's Way:
Ask "useless" to do it, while he's sitting on his butt watching TV.

And finally the most important tip

Martha's way #9:
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use
in casseroles and sauces.
The Real Women's Way:
Leftover wine??????

What I've Learned From Watching Porn...

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not
scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with
sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy fucks.

11. People in the 70s couldn't fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo
in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl
isn't disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the
bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove
your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend,
she'll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to
remind her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's
trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand
firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his
hip.

 

[melody]

West Virginia Folk

A guy from West Virginia passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
=
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck is married? There's dried
tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
=
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West
Virginia to 32? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high
schools.
=
What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in West Virginia? Documentaries.
=
Where was the toothbrush invented? West Virginia. If it had been
invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
=
A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-64 and says to
the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
=
Did you hear about the $3 million West Virginia State Lottery? The
winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
=
The governor's mansion in West Virginia burned down! Yep. Pert' near
took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss, too.
Both books went up in flames and they hadn't even finished coloring one
of them.
=
A new law was recently passed in West Virginia. When a couple gets
divorced, they are STILL cousins.
=
At the scene of the accident a trooper asked the West Virginia driver
what gear he was in at the moment of impact. He replied, "tractor hat
and camouflage hunting outfit"
=
Folks in West Virginia now go to movies in groups of 18. They were told
"17 and under are not admitted".
=
A West Virginia man walked into a Kwik Stop and asked for all the cash
in the drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for 3 hours until police
showed up and grabbed him.
=
A West Virginia man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!" "Is this her
first child?", the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"

=================================================================
I have learned that if you upset your wife she nags you..... If you
upset her even more you get the silent treatment. Don't you think it's
worth the extra effort?
=================================================================
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"

"I Own That"

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout-looking
Vegas hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation And
eventually asks the hooker,

"How much do you charge?"
Hooker replies, " It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap, no Hand-job is
worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes. "Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I
own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is
sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job
of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so am azed,

he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you
see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.
And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every Cent of
$1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job,
Decides to put off the new car for another year or so,
and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but, he feels he truly got his money's worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one Glorious and
unforgettable experience.

He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says,
"Come over here to the window, I want to Show you
something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out
before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show
places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"
No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."
________

One day, a blonde and a brunette were out for
a ride in the blonde's new car.
Suddenly, some jerk pulled in front of them.
The blonde then put her lips on the steering wheel.
The brunette feared for her life, but had the courage
To ask, "What are you doing?!"
The blonde calmly replied, "I'm trying to blow the horn."