jokes

[Jasper]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new BMW in front of the
> office,
> ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a runaway truck
> sped by, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's
> door
> of the BMW.
> The lawyer immediately grabbed his mobile phone, dialled 999, and it
> wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop
> had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
> hysterically. His BMW, which he had just picked up the day before, was
> now
> completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body
> shop
> tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from
> his
> rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
>
> "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
>
> "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
> important things in life."
>
> "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
>
> The cop replied, "My God, don't you even realise that your left arm is
> missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
>
> "My God!" screamed the lawyer...........
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> "Where's my Rolex?!!"

 

[Jasper]

Dear Husband:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show

for it. These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell
me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and
nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore,
you don't touch me or any thing. Either you're cheating or you don't
love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P.S. If you're trying
to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia
together! Have a great life! Your Ex-wife


Dear ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a
far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown
out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when
you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to
mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say
anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I
stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had
on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed
that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty
dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of
this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I
discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were
gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that
you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.


P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[Jasper]

Since the IR has been approved, the underworld is looking for recruits. This one - CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY, a Geylang-based organization for youth, is now recruiting members to fulfill a tender they are submitting to the new casi? Sorry, sorry, integrated resort.

lease fill in the form below and mail to:

Mr. Chao Ah Beng
Membership Occifer
Chap Sar Tiam Secret Society
69 Geylang Lorong 69
Singapore 696969


Reference code: chapsartiam.com

APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP IN CHAP SAR TIAM SECRET SOCIETY

1. NRIC No.: _________________

2. Surname: __________________

3. First name: (please X)
[ ] Johnson
[ ] Benson
[ ] Samson
[ ] Hamson
[ ] Janson
[ ] Other: _________________ (if not ending in son? please explain why)

4. Chinese Name: Ah __________(if not beginning with Ah? please explain why)

5. Age: [ ] Under 35 [ ] Lau Beng

6. Sex: [ ] M [ ] F [ ] at Geylang

7. Length of Last Fingernail: ________ (cm)

8. Ability to squat for:
[ ] 1 hour
[ ] 2 hours
[ ] more than 2 hours (wah, steady!)

9. Hairstyle:
[ ] Spiky
[ ] Dyed with streaks of blond
[ ] Dyed with streaks of red
[ ] Two strands dangling in front of eyes
[ ] Kana mop like that
[ ] Perm (please state which saloon in JB you went)____________________

10. Tattoo of:
[ ] Tiger
[ ] Dragon
[ ] Snake
[ ] Eagle
[ ] Hello Kitty

11. Work experience: (please X all that apply)
[ ] KTV Launge Bouncer
[ ] Snooker Hall Attendant
[ ] Unlicensed Contractor
[ ] Freelance debt collector
[ ] Unlicensed bookie
[ ] Dispute Resolution and Settlement Professional
[ ] Unemployed

12. Spouse's Name: _________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: (the one in Batam, that one)
_________________________ Lover's Name: _________________________
2nd Lover's Name: (Lorong 69, that pooi-pooi one)
_________________________

13. Number of children living in household: ____
Number of children living in foster care: ____
Number of children that are actually yours: ____

14. Mother's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

15. Father's Name: _________________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

16. Education: (Circle how many years it took you to finish primary
school)
8 9 10 11 12

17. Ability to swear: (please X all that apply)
[ ] Hokkien
[ ] English
[ ] Malay
[ ] Tamil
[ ] Cantonese
[ ] rude hand gestures

18. Service performed in previous secret society:
[ ] Leadership/Tua Tao
[ ] Junior management/Suay Tao
[ ] Physical activities/Hooting
[ ] Dispute Resolution and settlement/Cham Siong
[ ] Lookout/Kuah Chui

 

[Jasper]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept
through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the
chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary
fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to
the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the
teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to
Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her
with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
The Teacher fainted.

 

[Jasper]

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and
very polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When
leaving the room, she said, "Mr.Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look
down and saw that his zipper was open.?He decided to have some fun
with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my
barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier
standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw
was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

 

[Jasper]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up alot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
_____________________________________________________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

 

[Jasper]

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do

Good: You're son is ****** someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's you're best friend

Good: You're wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
_________________

 

[Jasper]

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her awhile then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
She says, "Well, your name never came up."

 

[Jasper]

ittle Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

 

[Jasper]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother dies. My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side!
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got
up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late,
what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

 

[Jasper]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do to, but only for starters

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.

 

[AXXeLL]

 

[Jasper]

SON: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a
question?
DAD: Sure Son, What's the question?
SON: What's POLITICS?

DAD: Well Son, let's take our home as an example: I make all the final
decisions on important matters. So let's call me MANAGEMENT. Your
mother
spends most of the money; so let her be the GOVERNMENT. We take care of
you
and your needs, so let's call you the PEOPLE. We shall call our maid
Clara,
the WORKERS. And we call your Baby Brother, the FUTURE. Do you
understand
what POLITICS means now?

SON: I'm really not sure, Dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see
what
was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper; the
boy
went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to disturb his mother, he then went to the maid's room. He
peeked through the keyhole, and saw his father in bed with the maid.
The
boy's knocking went unheard by his father and the maid. So he finally
returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning at the breakfast table:
SON: Dad, I now think I understand POLITICS.
DAD: That's great Son! Please explain to me in your own words.
SON: Well Dad! While MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKERS, The GOVERNMENT
is
sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is full of
shit.

 

[Jasper]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

 

[Jasper]

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUBBIE: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUBBIE: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUBBIE: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUBBIE: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUBBIE: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUBBIE: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUBBIE: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: - - silence - -
HUBBIE: "Shit!"

 

[Jasper]

Two old men go to an escort service house.
The madam asks them what they want. They say women.
She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.

So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?"

The other one says "I think she was dead, she just laid there, how was yours?"

"I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?"

"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

 

[Jasper]

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock"!

 

[Jasper]

female computer consultant is helping a smug man set up his machine.

She asks him what password he'd like to log on with. Wanting to embarrass the woman, he tells her to enter the word PENIS.

Without saying a thing, she keys in the password and almost dies laughing at the computer's reply:

PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

 

[Jasper]

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look.

She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, "Sir, how old do you think I am"? The man replies "You're 30, right?"
he says "No, I'm 47, but nice try."

The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, "How old do you think I am?"
The man replies, "You're 37, right?" The lady says "No, I'm 47, but good guess."

After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies "Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties."

So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, "You're 47!"

The lady, astonished, asks, "How did you know?"

The old man replies "I was standing right behind you at McDonald's."

 

[Jasper]

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" said the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said, 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.'

And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!"