JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

[melody]

Two Deaf People

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"
____________

Tim Had Traveled To Peru
In Search Of The Ultimate Screw.
When His Trip Was Complete,
He Zipped Up His Meat
And Said To The Ladies, ''Thank You!''
_____________

Q: Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: So he can tell whether he is coming or going.

Q: What do men and sperm have in common?
A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of
becoming a human being.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A: Don't know. It has never happened!

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Freak Test

1. Have you ever had intercourse? (5pts)
2. Oral Sex: Giving to Orgasm (5 pts) Receiving (5pts)
3. Licked an ass? (5pts)
4. Had your ass licked? (5pts)
5. Stuck your tongue in their ass? (10pts)
6. Swallowed Cum? (5pts)
7. Practiced Bondage or BDSM ? (5pts)
8. Had anal sex? (5pts)
9. Had an orgasm from anal sex? (5pts)
10. Ever squirted or made someone squirt? (10pts)
11. Squirted from oral or made someone squirt? (5pts)
12. Had sex with someone of the same sex? (5pts)
13. Did a threesome? (5pts)
14. Did a foursome? (5pts)
15. Been in an Orgy? (5pts)
16. Been in a gangbang? (5pts)
17. Had sex in public? (5pts)
18. Snowballed (swapping cum) with someone? (10pts)
19. Had your toes licked or sucked? (5pts)
20. Licked or sucked someone's toes? (5pts)
21. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a day? (10pts)
22. Had sex with more than one person (one on one only) in a week? (10pts)
23. Had cyber sex or phone sex? (5pts)
24. Reached an orgasm? (5pts)
25. Watched porn? (5pts)
26. Bought a dirty magazine? (5pts)
27. Posted nude pictures of you on the net? (5pts)
28. Let someone video tape you having sex? (5pts)
29. Had sex without protection? (5pts)
30. Had someone give you a cum facial or gave someone a cum facial? (5pts)
31. Have you participated in any type of golden showers? (10pts)
32. Have you let anyone or have you shit on anyone? (10pts)
33. Had sex with a friend's significant other? (10pts)
34. Ever did one of your significant others friends or relative? (10pts)
35. Have you ever cheated on your significant other? (5pts)
36. Made someone pass out from sex? (10pts)
37. Tasted your own cum? (5pts)
38. Masturbated? (5pts)
39. Let someone watch you? (5pts)
40. Ever showed you naked on cam? (5pts)
41. Had sex while on your period or while someone was on their period?(10pts)
42. Been ate or eaten someone? (10pts)
43. Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? (10pts)
44. Had sex in a vehicle? (5pts)
45. Been caught having sex? (5pts)
46. Paid for sex? (5pts)
47. Used toys during sex? (5pts) Used food? (5pts)
48. Like pain from a little to extreme during sex? (5pts)
49. Ever been dominated in bed? (5pts)
50. Ever had a wet dream? (5pts)
51. Like to have your ass slapped during sex? (5pts)
52. Like having your nipples licked, sucked, or bitten? (5pts)
53. Had sex with someone you didn't know their name? (10pts)
~~~
Scoring ...

0 - 50 Average man or woman (need to be a little more adventurous)
51 - 100 Beginner Freak (keep up the good work)
101 - 150 Big Freak (your heading in the right direction)
151 - 200 Professional Freak (you could charge for your services)
201 - 250 King or Queen Freak (others will never forget you)
251 - over SUPER FREAK (you could write the book, teach the class, and hang the certificate on your wall)

Some X-Rated Movie / TV Titles

*All That Jizz
*Anus the Menace
*The Cockford Files
*The Cunt of Miss October
*Enema of the State
*Fast Times on Rich Mens' Thighs
*Howard The Fuck
*Mr. Holland Groped Us
*Titti Slickers II
*The Search for the Golden Curlies
*Willy Wanker at the Fudge-Packing Factory


There's nothing better than waking up to your
girlfriend giving you a blowjob. Unless, maybe,
it was your wife giving you the blowjob. Or maybe
your wife watching *her* girlfriend give you a
blowjob. Better yet, your wife and her girlfriend
*and* your girlfriend all fighting over who gets
to give you a blowjob and they all decide to
tag team on the blowjob. The common theme,
though, would be getting a blowjob.

Cruising Down The Highway

A young couple was out cruising one evening.
While driving down the highway, the guy says to the girl,
"I know you love going fast!
"If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off all your clothes?"
"Yes!" she agrees and he begins to speed up.
When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off, he is so busy staring at her that he drives
off the road and flips the car over. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch
but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help," he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says,
"Cover your crotch with that and go get help from that gas station down the road."
She takes the shoe, covers herself between the legs,
and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives, she is frantic and
yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks
down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies with astonishment,
"I think it's too late . . . he's too far in!"
__________

Q: What's the main difference between mayonnaise and semen?
A: Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles per hour.

Q: Did you hear the one about the homosexual ghosts?
A: They gave each other the willies.

Daffyniton - Jell-O: Kool-Aid with a hard on

Q: How can you get a faggot to fuck a female?
A: Fill up her cunt with shit.

Husband to wife: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my wife...Cold as usual.'"
Wife to husband: "When you die, I'm going to inscribe your tombstone: 'Here lies my husband...Stiff at last.'"

 

[melody]

STORY: REBECCA vs. GARY

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the
question.
------------------------------------------------------
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the
neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he
said into his transgalactic communicator "Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle
beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo
bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one
last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever
had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them,
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and
85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty!
Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have camomile
tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I'm an air
headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Asshole.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Bitch.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Wanker.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Slut.
---------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
Get fucked.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Eat shit.
--------------------------------------------------------
(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
----------------------------------------------------------
(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.
----------------------------------------------------------
(Teacher) A+ - I really liked this one.


God Grant Me The Senility...

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Can't remember...read #4 again.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.


Little Johnny's mother decided to tell him all about making
babies, so she had "the talk" with him. Afterwards Little
Johnny just sat there silently for awhile.
"Do you understand?" his mother asked.
"Yes," replied Little Johnny.
"Do you have any questions?" asked his Mother.
"Yes, how about little kittens and puppies?" asked Little
Johnny.
"In exactly the same way as with babies", answered his Mom.
"Wow!" Little Johnny exclaimed. "My daddy will fuck ANYTHING!"

The Passion Peach

The peach is definitely the most sensuous of all fruits.
If you didn't think so before, just wait until after you try this technique.
Here's What You Need:
One medium to large peach.
One knife.
Here's How You Do It:
Before you make love, cut a circle about an inch and a half
in diameter all the way through the peach from the top down.
Remove the core, including the pit.

Get your man naked. With him standing, kneel down in front him.
Slide the peach over his penis until it is all the way to the back
of the shaft and continue holding it with your hand.
Pleasure your man orally while, at the same time, squeezing and rotating the peach.
Turn it clockwise, then counterclockwise, and move it up and down the shaft.
The juice from the peach will trickle down the shaft, onto the head and into your mouth.
Continue pleasuring him orally and rotating the peach until
you've extracted the delectable nectar.


Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For 'hide the salami',
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!

Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common??
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most.


We know cunnilingus is grand,
But what I cannot understand,
Who was the first guy,
To give it a try...?
I think we should give him a hand!


Blow Job Etiquette

Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".

Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. it's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

 

[melody]

Hypothetic And Realistic

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said,
"She said yes."

And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."

He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"

And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!


This guy goes into a whore house and gives the lady at the front desk
$500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him. She
replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right. He does
and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then
marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted
a woman that could handle him. She says, ok go down the hall and its the
third door on the left. He does and once again the woman starts
screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk
and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you. She
says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs,
there won't be any lights so just feel around till you hit something wet
and stick it in. He does this and just as they get started nothing
happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could
work. As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby". She
replies "MOOOOOO"!

Spanish Words Of The Day

For those of you who are still trying to perfect your Spanish…
this should help!

Spanish Words of the Day!

1. Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: 'Maria likes me, but cheese fat.'

2. Mushroom
When all of my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. Shoulder
My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so
I shoulder.

4. Texas
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got my piece and she got herpes.

6. July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! 'Julyer!'

7. Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'

9. Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

10. Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry, wheelchair.

11. Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

12. Bishop
My wife fell down the stairs, so I had to pick the bishop.

====

Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news.

"I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?"...

"Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months."

"But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret.
I've tried everything to quit."

"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge to
smoke a cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"

"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach"

====

Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
They have shaky hands!

What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A chin rest.

MEN'S/WOMEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting
What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before
your seductive ways!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww! "

Undressing
What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"

Foreplay/Oral Sex
What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your
impressive manhood for hours."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."

Penetration
What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"

Your Orgasm
What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"
What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance. "
What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"

Postcoital Bliss
What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."
What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian
friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§«¤»«¤»§§§

A guy walked into the doctor's surgery for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist said, "I will need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered, "You see, I have a very large and constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," said the receptionist, "but maybe I can squeeze you in!"


Fascinate

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!

======

Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".

======

There was an old whore from the Azores,
Who's cunt was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't eat the green meat,
That hung from festoons in her drawers.

 

[melody]

A Little Action

Jon was looking for a little "action."

He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room.

Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more.

After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men's room.

He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his tool.

After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"


Just as he was leaving for work the man's wife told him that there was a leak in the plumbing.

He told her to call a plumber and have it fixed.

When he got to work he gave her a call and asked "Has the plumber come yet?"

She replied "Not quite but I've got him breathing hard."


There was a young lady named Hicks
Who delighted to play with men's pricks,
Which she would embellish
With evident relish,
And make then stand up and do tricks.

Checking Account

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"


There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been traveling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again. Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it. He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help. The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want." The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash. When he finished are three girls asked,"How could we ever repay you Mr." After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

 

[melody]

Things I Have Learned From Reading My Junk e-mail:

1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).
2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.
3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting to perform any
sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets, or my farm animals) if I
just click there.
4. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click
here.

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

One day at lunch Little Johnny asked one of the kids at school a
question. "Billy, if you woke up in the middle of the forest, covered in
KY Jelly, naked in a sleeping bag, and your ass was killing you, would
you tell anybody?"

"No way!" said Billy, "I'd be too embarrassed."

So Little Johnny asked, "Wanna go camping?"

~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~^~*~

Q: What's worse than a cardboard box?
A: Paper tits!

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q: How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A: When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
A: Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

Q: What do you call 25 lesbians stacked on top of each other?
A: A block of flaps

Q: What do rednecks do for Halloween?
A: Pump kin.

Q: What is 60 foot long and stinks of piss?
A: A conga in an old people's home!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer

Q: What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
A: Toast is brown on both sides.

Q: How do you recycle a used rubber?
A: You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.

 

[melody]

Different Scenarios
1st Scenario...

Daddy and Mommy are fighting in the living room, right before their
little son.

Daddy : " Oh!!! You Bitch! "
Mommy: " What?? You Bastard! "
Son : " Daddy, Mommy, what's Bitch and Bastard?" At this
moment, Daddy blushes. He quickly thinks up of something.
Daddy : " It means Ladies and Gentlemen, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

2nd Scenario...

Little Son was watching a TV show about premarital sex, and there
they mentioned the words 'breasts' and 'penises'. Mommy was
reading the papers.

Son : " Mommy, what's breasts and penises? " At this moment,
Mommy turned blue, and quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: " It means coats and hats, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

3rd Scenario...

Daddy was shaving his beard and Son passed by the toilet.
Suddenly, Daddy cut himself and screamed...

Daddy: " OH SHIT!! "
Son : " Daddy, what's shit? " At this moment, Daddy's eyes
bulged, and quickly thought of something to say.
Daddy: " It means shaving cream, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

4th Scenario...

Christmas is approaching, and Mommy was stuffing the turkey
into the stove. The turkey just wouldn't fit into the stove, so she said...

Mommy: " Oh FUCK! "
Son : " Mommy, what's fuck? " At this moment, Mommy froze.
She quickly thought of something to say.
Mommy: " It means stuffing, Son. "
Son : " Oh I see! "

5th scenario...

It's Christmas eve! Little Son exuberantly opened the door to let all
his uncles, aunties, cousins and friends come into the house.
Proudly, he said...

Son : " Welcome in, Bastards and Bitches! Please put all your
breasts and penises at that corner of the house! My parents are
busy at the moment. You see, Daddy is putting shit on his face
upstairs and Mommy is fucking the turkey in the kitchen, but don't
worry, they'll be out here in a minute!

 

[melody]

Ladies, What Kind Of Dick Are You Getting?

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever. He fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick. You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic. You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a wild wild west film. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to. Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You know what size dick he has because you have either:
(a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or
(b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers.
So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your Whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?" "TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?","I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man. Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home. Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered It sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, Asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it Is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man. When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convent. Easy dick. Dick you can call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!

 

[melody]

Dear Mr. Collector

Dear Mr. Collector;
I have received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe
you. You said the bill should have been paid a long time ago, and you
don't understand why it hasn't been. Well, I will enlighten you.
In1999, I bought a sawmill on credit. I bought an oxen_team, a timber
cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine toaster, a colt revolver, and four
razorback hogs all on credit.

In 2000, the sawmill burned down and didn't leave a damn thing. One of
my ponies died and the other one I loaned to an illiterate moron who
starved him to death. In 2001, my father died and my mother was hung for
horse stealing. A mechanic named Joe knocked up my daughter and I had to
pay the bill of 88.00 to keep the little bastard from becoming a
relative of mine. In 2002, my son got the mumps, they went down on him
and the doctor had to castrate him to save his life.

That summer, I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the
biggest damn catfish you've ever seen. One of my sons drowned but not
the one that was castrated. My wife ran away with some heavy hung Texan
and left me with 3 small children as a souvenir. I married the hired
girl to cut down on my income tax and expenses. I had trouble getting
her to reach a climax. The doctor said to try creating some excitement
just as she was beginning to come. That night, I took my shotgun to bed
with me and just as she was beginning to come I pointed out the window
and pulled the trigger. Well I ruptured myself, shot the best damn cow I
ever owned and my wife shit all over the bed.

Then I took to drinking and didn't stop until all I had left was my
pocket watch and kidney trouble. After that, all I did was wind my watch
and piss. Things really got worse then. My wife caught the clap from the
milkman and my son wiped his ass on a corn cob with rat poison and some
one shot the nuts off my best bull.

Then I decided to go into business for myself. I ordered six bee hives
from sears roebuck. I bought a swarm of bees and a queen bee all on
credit.The queen bee died so I ordered another one. She turned out to be
a whore and started to run around with a horse fly.The honey started to
taste like shit and I couldn't see it. So then, Mr. Collector, you say
If I don't pay, you will cause me trouble. Right now, if it cost two
cents to take a shit I would have to puke. Getting money out of me would
be like trying to poke butter up a wildcats ass with a hot poker. But
you are welcome to try.
Signed,
Joe

 

[melody]

Hangover Rating System

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively
well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still
feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the
fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some
definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to
drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed
watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3
iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else
you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and
has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but
that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five
shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who
enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge
of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole
purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all
over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

 

[melody]

A Prostate Test

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.
_______

There was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
_______

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

_______

Q. How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A. The best ones squirt when you eat them.

Q. How do you tell if a chick's too fat to fuck?
A. When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

Q. What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
A. Beef strokin' off.

Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt

 

[melody]

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I left work early and pointed my car out of town heading up to my cousin's
for her wedding. The actual wedding wasn't for a week but I was taking some
extra time off to help out and relax a little. My second night there we had a
bachelorette party complete with a stripper. It was fun but what happened
later was much better! After most of the girls left there were four of us
hanging around finishing the clean up. One of the girls pulled out a deck of
cards and asked if we felt like playing. She showed us they were special
cards ... "Just for women" cards that is.

We all sat in a circle on the floor as Sally shuffled the cards. Since it was
her idea she pulled the first card it said "Dance around make sure everyone
sees your mound." We all laughed as she stood up and took off her jeans and
panties and danced around us making sure we all got a good look at her blonde
shaved pussy. Then she sat back down and passed the deck to Katie.

She drew her card and it said "Reach across don't be shy suck that tit till
time flies by." Oh God she said as she reached across to Sally pulled out her
left tit and began sucking it. We timed her all the cards had 1 minute time
limits. She kept on sucking till we said time then she passed the deck to
Susan.

She choose her card and it said "Make a fist make it tight, now fist the
bitch to your right!" Susan looked over at me and smiled the other girls
were just watching to see what I would do so I stood up and removed my
clothes. She told me to lay back and relax. I smiled and laid back as she
wasted no time in ramming her fist into my wet pussy. I was a little
surprised at the force but it felt so good I started to moan. In no time I
was moving my hips and meeting her thrusts as I moaned about how good it felt
the other girls were moving closer fascinated. Katie said, "Fuck her Susan
make her cum!" I licked my lips and looked at Katie. In a husky voice I
said, "Come here and sit on my face now!" She stood up stripped and lowered
her dripping snatch onto my face. I began thrusting my tongue in and out of
her wet hole. I noticed Sally had already managed to get Susan's pants and
underwear off and was sucking her pussy like crazy! I was so turned on and
ready to cum when Susan stopped fisting me and began flicking my swollen clit
with her tongue. She was very good as I felt the approach of a ripping orgasm
begin to roar through me. Katie climaxed at the same time and Susan was not
far behind.

As soon as Susan caught her breath she turned around and started on sally.
Katie and I laid there catching our breath as we watched. Within minutes
Sally was moaning and thrusting her wet pussy into Susan's face begging her
not to stop. Susan tormented her then finally worked on her clit until she
shook and moaned so loudly with the force of her own orgasm I was surprised
the windows were still intact! We all laid there intertwined in each other
enjoying the aftermath.

I was the first to start getting dressed. I was tired and ready to sleep. I
said goodnight but before I left to go to my room I laughed and suggested
that tomorrow we try to finish the game after all I never did get to choose
my card....

 

[melody]

A teenage boy is taken to his girlfriends home to meet her parents for the first time.
The mother of the girl hands him a piece of cake. They all sit there in silence wondering what to say, when the family dog walks in, sits down, and proceeds to lick its balls.
To break the ice, the boy looks at the girls Father and says, "I wish I could do that!"
The Father looks at the boy and says, "give it a piece of your cake, and it might let you!"

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Doctor", the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get
it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can
do."

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your
clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie
down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said.
"Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸, *¤º°`°º¤* ,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*,¸¸,*¤º°`°º¤*

Young Amy likes lifting her dress,
And removing her panties to press
In a manner obscene
'Gainst the washing machine
To relieve all her work-a-day stress.

 

[melody]

The Warning Signs of Insanity...

* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

* You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

* Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

* People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

* Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

* Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

* You collect dead windowsill flies.

* Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

* You like cats. Especially with mayo.

* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

* Melba toast excites you.

* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

* You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

* You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindu.

* You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

* The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

* You like reading lists like this.

 

[melody]

Curious

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and
notices for the first time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment
that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those
round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are
God's Apples of Life. Without them you wouldn't
be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells
her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything
about the dead branch they're hanging from?"


Three disabled men enter a swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second has no legs, and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "SPLASH!" they are all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see the bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool where the head is. He dives down and rescues the head, where upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three fucking years I have spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the race, some bastard puts a fucking swimming cap on me!"



There was a young lady from Wheeling
Who professed to no sexual feeling
Till a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling

 

[melody]

ASK AUNT NASTY
Dear Aunt Nasty,
I have a girl that I'm banging, she lives in the next state, about 350
miles from me, I see her about once a month, and we have a great sexual
relationship and are in love, she is planning on moving in with me this
summer. the problem is oral sex, in that she will not give it to me, I
know she does not like to suck, and this is something that I feel I need
to have a long term relationship work. I could probably coerce her into
doing it, but knowing her heart wasn't into it would probably destroy
the fun in it for me. should I tell her not to move in here with me, and
end the relationship? or should I just let her move here and hope thinks
work out?
Gene

Dear Gene,

My Goodness!! I sometimes think the world has lost all sense of
reality... Your letter is so full of contradictable statements, that I
must insist, you need to seek help for your problem. You obviously
don't know if you are coming or going. How can you have a great sexual
relationship, if you are not getting what you need?
How can you say you are in love, when you are already ending the
relationship before she even moves in?? Oh yeah and since when did a
woman's enjoyment or the lack thereof, make any difference in your
enjoyment of it. Just close your eyes and fantasize. Be a MAN!

And after you receive help from a good therapist...remember Aunt Nasty
loves oral sex, and is reputed to give the best head this side of the
atlantic...
Aunt Nasty

Dear Auntie,
This matter is getting old. (maybe that's the problem) My problem is
still that LEG. You know the one that doesn't want to help much.It seems
that now more than ever it's being LAZY.
Please tell me, how can I get it motivated? Or what do you suggest I do
to encourage it? And don't tell me VIAGRA, the last thing it needs is a
crutch.

Signed
Kansas K_ _ _ _ _

Dear Kansas,
You poor, poor thing...You are in terrible shape, aren't you?? There is
an old adage that says "Use it, or lose it!" The more you exercise that
leg, the more you will be able to use it. I suggest that you start by
stroking it at least a little each day, until such time that you have
"assistance". AND I would never suggest Viagra,
If I can't get a man hard by "natural" means then it means he is either
dead or homosexual, and with my oral talents, even the gays don't stand
a chance. I would suggest you cum see me, but from your letters I don't
think you would be "up" to satisfying my voracious hunger! But if you
start a regular "exercise" regime, you might be
able to build up the "stamina to go the distance."

Aunt Nasty

 

[melody]

Condom Slogans

THE FOLLOWING IS A LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS
PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK


<< COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
<< BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WACKER
<< DON'T BE SILLY... PROTECT YOUR WILLIE
<< BEFORE YOU BLAST HER, GUARD YOUR BUSHMASTER
<< DON'T BE A LONER... COVER YOUR BONER
<< WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
<< YOU CAN'T GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
<< IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WACK IT
<< IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
<< BEFORE YOU BAG HER, SHEATH YOUR DAGGER
<< IT'LL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
<< IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN THIGHS, BE SURE YOU CONDOMIZE
<< TO SAVE EMBARRASSMENT LATER, COVER YOUR 'GATOR'
<< SHE WON'T GET SICK IF YOU CAP YOUR DICK
<< IF YOU GO INTO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
<< WHILE YOU'RE UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP THAT PENIS
<< WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS N' BLOUSE, SUIT UP THAT TROUSER MOUSE
<< DON'T DO MORE THAN NECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
<< ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT-WRAP YOUR MEMBER
<< BEFO' DA VAN START ROCKIN', BE SHO' YO' COCK GOTS A STOCKIN'
<< DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
<< THE RIGHT SELECTION, SACK THAT ERECTION!
<< WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
<< A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
<< DON'T BE IN A JIFFY... COVER YOUR STIFFY
<< IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE IT OFF, HAVE IT ON.
<< NO GLOVE, NO LOVE.
<< NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER.

 

[melody]

Cool Shorties

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck
in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole," Little
Johnny said. The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum," she
said."Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."

__________

Q: What did one testicle say to the other?
A: Don't mind the asshole behind us! It's the PRICK ahead we're working
for!

Q: Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making
love to his wife.
A: "No, dear," she replied, "This time I was really asleep."

Q: What's difference between cricketers n condoms?
A: Cricketers drop the catches n condoms catch the drops!
__________

Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'Goods delivered are not returnable.'
Groom gave another note back to father: 'Contract void if seal is broken.'
hhhhh
He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppy disk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

__________

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?''

__________

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?
A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?
A. In the rear.

Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?
A. To let the lumber jack off.

Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?
A. The cumming of the Lord

Q. What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A. Pimp.

 

[melody]

Top 17 Country Songs

17. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

16. It's Hard To Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day

15. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

14. If The Phone Don't Ring,You'll Know It's Me

13. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

12. I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring and I Got the Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the Number One Country Song ---

1. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I've Sure Woke Up With
A Few

---------- Post added at 11:04 PM ---------- 6 hour anti-bump limit - Previous post was at 05:10 PM ----------

Little Johnny And Little Suzy


Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"

____

My friend Felix is still out there job hunting.

He says he always has a problem when filling out the job application and gets to the part about 'Sex: F or M.'

He says he never knows which to choose --

He says he really likes to Fuck,

but he spends most of the time alone Masturbating.

 

[melody]

My Very First Time
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow!
________

A boy comes home from school and says to his mom,” I lost my virginity today".
His mom replies angrily, "You tell your father about what you've done, when he gets home!" His dad comes home about twenty minutes later and he tells his dad that he lost his virginity. His dad says, "Good job son! How was it?
Then the son says, "It was pretty good Dad, but do you have any Vaseline? My ass hurts."
_____________

A man had just opened a restaurant but he couldn't think of a name. So he decided to name it after the third person that walks in. The third person walks in and the guy asked for her name. She said "Jill." "Well Jill, you have nice legs."
So the guy named the restaurant "Jill's Legs." A week later a drunk was laying on the sidewalk outside the restaurant when a police officer asked him what he was doing. He replied: "I'm waiting for Jill's Legs to open so I can get a bite to eat."

 

[melody]

Just Married

A young couple, just married, was in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man and I wear the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Heck," he said, "I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your attitude changes!"

_____________

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, 'Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off.'

Jill said, 'Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus.