JeSt fOr LaUgHs...

melody

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The Mailman

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?

'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'



A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse.

The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.

Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.

"You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?"

"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.

"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.

"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."

A Kentucky Family

A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a rather large building; they were amazed by everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked, "What's this, Paw?" The father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said, "Go get your Maw."
_______

One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy's house. While they were there the AC broke, so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and it’s so hot in here lets take off our clothes.” The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered. The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us." So she let him in. As soon as the blind-man stepped in he said, "Nice tits where do you want these blinds."
_______

I came home late from the pub last night. As I staggered through the front door I said to my wife, "Get your arse upstairs, I want a screw." "Bloody hell Dave," she said, "How many have you had tonight?" "Just the one." I slurred. She said, "I can tell by your eyes that you've had more than one." "Ok, two." I said, "But I didn't cum with the last one."
_______

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl.

She was very receptive to his foreplay after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.

She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried, "Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!"

"Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Timex."
 

ehdrian

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i wonder where she finds these jokes everyday.
 

melody

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Nude On The Beach

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on a beach.
He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up toward him and asked, "What's that under your newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied. "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.
When he awoke, he was in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, and this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dosed off and the next thing I know I'm here"
The police went to the beach found the little girl and asked her "What did you do after that?"
After a pause the little girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

=====


A young boy comes home from school one day, and on going to his room, he hears thumping and squeaking from his parents' room. He naively opens the door to see what is going on, and beholds his dad "giving it" to his mom rather vigorously. While his mom doesn't notice, his dad looks up to see him there, and gives him a big grin and a wink.
The next evening, dad comes home from work. He hears banging and squealing from his son's room. He opens the door to see what's happening, and the son is banging his own grandmother!
The son looks up to see his father standing there, and says, "Not so funny when it's your mom, is it?"

=====

A couple starts fussing over their new born baby boy.
’ Look at the size of his cock , its huge, ’ said the husband.
’ Yes,but he does have your eyes darling,’ said his wife.

Garden Of Eden

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve's treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose,
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!
 

melody

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The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

WOMEN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

He Said....

He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved.

He said I would love the nakedness of it all.

He said it was stylish.

He said I would feel cleaner.

He said it wouldn't hurt.

He said he had been thinking about this for a long time.

He said he would do it himself.

He said he would be careful.

He said he would go slow.

He said was ready to begin.

He said to lay down.

He said that he would help me relax.

He said he loved me.

He said he felt like an artist.

He said he was done.

He said he adored the way it looked.

He said he was pleased with his work.

He said he wanted to show me off.

He said he needed to take me out like this.

He said that he wanted people to see me like this.

He said we would have a most exciting day.

He said he would be right back.

He said he had to get his shoes on.

I said...

...Well I didn't say anything. Poodles don't talk.
_______

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply. When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex. He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.
 

melody

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The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race,
went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only
to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,"
said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled,
'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured,
'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled,
'who the hell left the garage door open?'"
________

Being older with grown children, I often tell younger parents
to enjoy them now. It's a short time between shitty diapers
to a shitty attitude.
________

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one
day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and
said, "Johnny. This is where you come from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends
now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this
close to being a turd.
________

Two homosexuals were talking when one of them happened
to mention that he had gotten circumcised last week.

"Can I see it?" asked the second gay guy, so he promptly
dropped his pants to show off his operation.

"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"
________

Recent medical journals now counsel doctors that, when testing stupid
people,
to refrain from telling them that they have sugar in their urine.
Otherwise, they'll go home and piss on their corn flakes.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny was walking down the street with his mother. They stopped
outside a woman's clothing shop and Johnny's mother knew it would
embarrass him to go inside so she told him to wait outside. Before she had
a chance to go inside, Little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the pavement.
"What is that mummy?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastily said,
"Um, it's a biscuit Johnny, but it's on the ground and dirty, so don't touch it!"

Confident that Little Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop. When
she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Little Johnny?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside it."

*********

THIS BLONDE LADY WAS IN AN AUTO ACCIDENT, BUT ALL
THAT HAPPENED TO HER WAS A CUT ACROSS THE FOREHEAD.
AFTER BEING TREATED THE DOCTOR TOLD HER TO COME BACK IN A WEEK.
WHEN SHE WENT BACK, THE DOCTOR SAID "HOW'S YOUR HEAD?"
SHE REPLIED:
"WELL I HAVEN'T HAD ANY COMPLAINTS YET"
 

melody

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Legs In The Air

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie’s dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner."

IIIII

A guy was fucking his girlfriend in a park by the side of the road when a cop car pulled up.
"Just what the hell do you think your doing?" asked the cop.
The guy looked up at the cop and said, "I'm fucking my girlfriend!"
"Great!" said the cop, "I'm next!"
"Sounds good to me," replied the guy, "I have never fucked a cop before!"

IIIII

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone
to see that new gynecologist yet!"

"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to change."

"But the new one's so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is
so old!"

The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands
shake all the time!"

IIIII

Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.

The first one asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?"

The second replies, "He's got to focus."
"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the
picture first."

IIIII


Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!!!!

Wedding Night

Little Johnny's big brother had just gotten married and spent his first
wedding night with his parents. In the morning, his mother got up and
prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her
garden and gourmet food.

She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to
breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait,
the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never
came down to eat?"

Little Johnny said, "Mommy, I think..."

"Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said his mother, not
wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old.

At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again
called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called
again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat.

As she was cleaning the table, she once again said, "I wonder why they
never came down to eat? Once again, Little Johnny started to speak, but
mother immediately shut him up.

At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again
questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. Little Johnny once
again said, "Mommy I think..."

"Well, what is it that you think?" asked his mother rather testily.

"I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last
night, he got my model airplane glue instead!"

======

Q: What did the blonde write on the postcard she sent home from vacation?
A: Hi...having a great time. Where am I?

Q: What is the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, that it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, that it is sociology.
Q: Why do sperm donors get paid more than blood donors?
A: Because sperm donation is handmade.

A blonde goes to the drugstore to buy deodorant, and asks the
pharmacist what he recommended.
"How about the ball type?"
"No, this is for my boyfriend's armpits."
 

melody

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The Robot

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Let me tell you how she works.
If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her
right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex,
too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for
a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh!
Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil
sharpener!"
=======
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came home one
day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and
gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success. Two
days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the
kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why she hadn’t been
home for so long. She replied:”These four men kidnapped me and had wild
sex with me for a week.” The husband answered: “But it’s only been two
days what do you mean a week?” She answered “I am just here to get
something to fuck’n eat.”

New Drink

This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl
says she'll be happy to pick up the first round as she's heard
of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back to the
table and has two glasses for him.
One is a shot of Bailey's. The other, a shot of lime juice.
She says,Okay, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's,
hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice. He
looks a little dubious but does as he's told because she's
really cute when she's enthusiastic.
First he shoots the Bailey's. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling
in this mouth.
Then he shoots the lime juice. After about a second, the
Bailey's starts to curdle in his mouth.
Two seconds later, his face turns the color of fresh lime juice.
Three seconds and he finally calms his stomach enough to
swallow the mess. As he makes a face she smiles and whispers
sweetly in his ear, The drink's called 'Blowjob Revenge'.
________

What's the difference between a farmer with epilepsy and a blonde with
diarrhea?
One shucks between fits, the other fucks between shits.
When does a cub scout become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

How To Shit Like a Woman/Man


How to shit like a woman:

Under no circumstances, use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain may be caused while waiting to get home.

With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pot by your boyfriend/husband. Also, wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.

Flush the toilet twice before starting. Then wash your hands three times.

Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent any chance of a splash back.

Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat (hover) over the seat as opposed to taking any risk of touching it with bare flesh.

Release solids, but DO NOT make any sounds whatsoever.

Rise and quickly flush before direct eye contact is made with any feces.

Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).

Wipe once and throw paper into the pot. Do not look at the paper at all.

Repeat the previous two steps at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sports.

Flush the toilet twice, bleach it, and leave the lid in the down position for your husband/boyfriend - this is now law in most civilized countries.

Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

How To Shit Like a Woman/Man

How to shit like a man:

Select reading material.

Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the
toilet rim.

Open reading material and relax.

Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs
and buttocks.

Rise and look at the crap. Make mental notes of irregularities to report
to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. color, consistency, any visible
traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the Paper
before throwing it into the bowl.

Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of feces on the
paper.

Flush. If there is any residue left on the bowl, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or,
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the toilet.

Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you Can use
it again later).

Wash your hands once.

Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
 

melody

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Myrddin And Aspazia

Myrddin and Aspazia are just married and decided to make love on their
wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. Aspazia did
not want to get pregnant and requested that myrddin buy a condom from
the shop nearby.

When Myrddin went out, Aspazia waited anxiously in the room with all
the lights switched off. Myrddin had a hard time looking for a shop that
sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had
only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the
shop owner asked him which quality he wanted!.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each.
The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each.
And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So Myrddin took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him.
While Myrddin was out, a black thief came into the room.
Aspazia did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She
grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. Aspazia was so
exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When Myrddin reached the
hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his
wife, mounted her and started fucking her vigourously. Apazia was
surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed
the session.

A year later, Aspazia gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby
grew up, he asked his father. "Papa, why am I black and you are
white?" Myrddin shouted " You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would
have been PURPLE."

Generation Gap


During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents, young Michael
cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women.
I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving. Don't try and stop me!"
With that, he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stop me."
"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait a minute,
I'll go with you."
=======
A blonde decided to commit suicide. So, she thought being hit by
a train would not be that bad. She lay with her legs spread
over the railway line. The next day in the paper it read:
Train disappeared
Reward offered
=======
Q: Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
A: It's made of Marijuana, Arid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken....
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!
Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness
with a Hell's Angel Biker?
A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells
YOU to fuck off!
 
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melody

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9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change
the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their ass!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"....
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short".
What the hell?? Life is the longest
damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone ! asks "Has the bus
come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumass?

How To Keep A Woman Happy...

Oh what a man must go through.............
How to make a woman happy?
It's not difficult. To make a woman happy, a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments regularly
45. love shopping
46. be honest (white lies okay)
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
50, keep the heat up

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. to never forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

1. Feed him
2. Fuck him
3. and Shut the fuck up.
 

melody

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30 Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate


Death Notice

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in
the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he
died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
__________

An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said
"You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me..
do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went
... out to the reception room and said:
"Jake do we still have intercourse?"
Jake answered impatiently........
"If I told you once I told you a thousand times...
We have blue cross !!"
__________

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer... TWICE!
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down


A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
 

melody

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Two Drunks

One day two drunks are sitting in a bar drinking. One drunk notices a
sign saying, "Lady in the back."

Being curious, they called the bartender over and asked what it
meant. The bartender says, "Well, there is a lady in the back that will satisfy
all your requests for only $20.00 and the answer to a riddle."

One of the drunks, thinking how cheap and easy it should be, gives the
bartender a twenty and heads for the back.

Laying on the bed is a beautiful and voluptuous red head. The drunk
says,
"I paid my twenty so what is the riddle?"

The red head says, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you
bring my pussy back to me?"

The drunk thinks for a minute and then answers, "I don't know. How'd
the damn cat get out there?"

The red head laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

The drunk, pissed off and embarrassed, sits down by his buddy. The
buddy is anxiously waiting to hear what happened and asks, "Well, how good
was it?"

Feeling very embarrassed, the drunk answers, " I couldn't answer this
damn riddle about some f****** cat."

So the second drunk says, "Well, this I've got to try." He calls the
bartender over and throws him a twenty while heading for the back
room.

There lies the beautiful and voluptuous red head, all spread out and
smiling. She proceeds to say, "If my pussy was to sail out to sea, how
would you bring my pussy back to me?"

The second drunk answers, "Well, I don't know. Don't you think the
damn cat is dead by now?"

She laughs and says, "Go on, you didn't answer the riddle."

Now the drunks are pissed, frustrated, and out forty dollars. While
complaining to the bartender, in walks this huge sailor with his
duffle bag. He walks up to the bartender, throws a twenty down and
says, "Where is the room?" The bartender stands back and just points the way for
the sailor.

The sailor opens the door and says, "Okay, let's hear it."

The voluptuous red head, with eyes open wide, sits up and says, "If my
pussy was to sail out to sea, how would you bring my pussy back to
me?"

The sailor, taking his duffle bag and throwing it on the floor says:

"Well, with this bag I'll make a boat,
And with my balls, I'll make it float.
With my dick, I'll make and oar,
And row your pussy back to shore."
********
A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

Champagne

A Texan enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a
gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone.
He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of
... champagne to be sent over to her-knowing that if she accepts it,
she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and
decides to send a note with the bottle back over to the Texan.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1M in the bank,
and 7 inches in your pants."
WELL, the Texan, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to
her and it read:
"Just so you know-I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage,
I have over $2M in the bank, but not even for YOU,
would I cut off 2 inches! Sorry, honey."
___________

I bought a racehorse today."

"Oh, really? What is the horse's name, gender, timing, and what are you going to do with him??

"I've decided to call him 'My Face.' He is male, runs a mile in just under a minute. I don't care if he doesn't win a race or if he makes me any money."

"Then why'n the hell did ya buy him??

I just want to hear thousands of those uppity posh bitches at the race course shouting: 'Come on, My Face!'

GOD I'd love to hear that!"
 

melody

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Tiny Miserable Baby

A woman marched into the doctors office with a tiny miserable baby that
was howling at the top of its lungs and demanded," Do something about
this baby".

After a quick examination, the doctor realized the baby was
malnourished. He's obviously not getting enough milk," he said
sternly. "is he being breast fed?”

"Yes," replied the woman.

PENIS TAX

The only thing I.R.S. has not taxed is the penis.
This is due to the fact that
40% of the time it's hanging around unemployed.
20% of the time it's pissed off,
... 30% of the time it's hard up,
10% of the time it's in the hole.
On top of all this, it has two dependants
and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2013,
Penises will be taxed according to size!!
To determine the category,
please consult the chart below
and comfirm this information with page 2,
section 7, line 3, of the standard 1040p form.
10 to 12 inches* Luxury Tax $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax $ 30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax $ 15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax $ 5.00
PLEASE NOTE: under under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN EXTENSION
Males exceeding 2 inches must file Capital Gain.

Issues still under consideration are as follows...
Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Nicole Cheeks
========
One blonde asks another: "Which is closer, Vancouver... or the Moon?"
The other replies: " HELLOOOOO, can you see Vancouver?"

What happened when the cat swallowed a one pound coin?
There was money in the kitty

What do you call a cat that has swallowed a duck?
A duck filled fatty puss.

"Then the milk supply isn't adequate. Please take your blouse off."

The woman obliged, and the doctor proceeded to give her a very thorough
breast exam, kneading, rubbing, massaging, and sucking each breast at
some length.

Finally, perplexed, he announced that he could see why there was a
problem. "You aren't producing any milk at all."

"Of course not," she responded." It's my sister's kid,"

"Why on earth did you come?" asked the doctor in amazement.

"I didn't," she replied, "until you started sucking on the other tit."

=======

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China.

They decided to become American Citizens, and "Americanize" their names.

Bu - called himself "Buck"

Chu called himself "Chuck"

and Fu had to go back to China.
=======
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
 

melody

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Green Shit

A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of that
green shit you have
over there."

The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."

The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older son's
gay."

The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green shit.

The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four
shots of that green shit
from last night."

The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?"

The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."

The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green shit.

Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight
shots of that green shit."

The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."

The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."

The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat pussy?"

The man said, "Yeah, my wife."


Q: What are invisible and smell like dog food?
A: Old people's farts.

Q: What does a 14 year old girl from Tasmania say after the first time that she has sex?
A: Get off of me Dad you're crushing my cigarettes..

Q: What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A: Partially disabled

Q: Why did the army private tattoo sergeant's stripes on his cock?
A: He loved to pull rank!
 

melody

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Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was only six years old when he tried to feel his sister's friend's pussy. She slapped him and said not to do that because her pussy had teeth and it would bite!
Years passed and little Johnny grew into a man. He was sitting in his car with his girlfriend, rubbing her thighs and squeezing her tits, when she said, "Are you ever going to feel my pussy Johnny?"
"I can't!" replied Johnny, "All pussy's have teeth!"
"What do you mean? My pussy doesn't have teeth!" his girlfriend replied, "Look I will show you!"
Johnny's girlfriend opened her legs wide for him to see and she opened up her pussy hole as far as it would stretch.
"Your right!" said Johnny, "But I'm not surprised you have no teeth, with gums like that!"
sssss
What's the smallest hotel known to man?
A cunt. Because you leave your bags outside!
Why do women find it hard to piss first thing in the morning?
Have you ever tried opening a toasted cheese sandwich!
Why do women have cunts?
So that men will speak to them!
What's worse than a dead dog on your piano?
An infected pussy on your organ!
sssss
Little Harry walked into the bathroom and saw his mum with no clothes on standing in front of him. He looked up at her private parts and said, "What's that mum?"
His mum froze and tried to think of something to say. Finally she said, "That's where your dad hit me with an axe!"
"Good shot!" replied little Harry, "Right in the cunt!"
 

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